The Perks of Being a Cuban.

I feel just like a failure
So much I could have done
I felt you drift away
I saw you run run run

Into his arms like he could save you
Into his world like it was safe
Into his heart like he could make you
Or break you
Help you
So much to say to you

Never mind
You won’t listen anyway
Never mind
His word is your gospel
Never mind
What can I say
When he’s told you
There’s nothing to tell
Never mind

You keep trying to outrun
The loose ends of your past
You try not to remember
Moving on so fast

Into his arms like he could save you
Into his world like it was safe
Into his heart like he could make you
Or break you
Help you
So much to say to you

Never mind
You won’t listen anyway
Never mind
His word is your gospel
Never mind
What can I say
When he’s told you
There’s nothing to tell
Never mind

Trying to find a reason
Trying to get to you
Trying to find a way to break on through
And when you realize it
And when you can’t deny it
You’ll see me
Once your eyes are dry
Until then

Never mind
He’s’ your gospel truth
Never mind
He’s put his burden all on you
Never mind
What can I do
When he’s told you
I never tell the truth
Never mind

I’m frozen by the fear
That you’re lost inside yourself
You’re trapped and so unclear
Spiraling into someone else

Something isn’t right
Take me anywhere tonight
Anywhere into the light
So I can save you tonight

Thoughtlessness takes over
As you quickly come undone
Looking for a lover
However it may come
You’re trying to find him, searching
Losing, Missing
Wanting
Wanting to be loved

You’ve tried to guard yourself
By letting no one in
You hide away within yourself
Blue is the color you dream in

Something isn’t right
Let’s go anywhere, take flight
Anywhere into the night
So I can save you tonight

Thoughtlessness takes over
As you quickly come undone
Looking for the heart of a lover
In whatever form it comes
You’re trying to find him, searching
Losing, Missing
Wanting
Wanting to be loved

What once was won’t be again
Have faith in tomorrow
Moving on to another end
Don’t let him haunt you
Anymore
Looking for love, losing a friend
Looking to someone hollow inside
Finding a new beginning’s end
Don’t let him hurt you
Anymore

I’ll learn to ignore
Learn not to involve anymore
Of myself in your
Foolish childish games

Pretend
I know nothing
But I know more about the world
You’re getting yourself into
Than you do
I know
I swear I do

You don’t have to listen
Of course you never do
You don’t have to care
It’s down to him and you
I’m through
Even though I know more than you

Wholeheartedly you protest
You know the world, the cruel world
You claim maturity
Naivety gets in your way

I’ll Pretend
I know nothing
But I know more about his world
You’re getting sucked into
Than you do
I know
I swear I do

And when your life is a burden
When his walls his claws close in
I know you’ll confess though you protest
It’s always been about him
I know

You don’t have to listen
Of course you never do
You don’t have to care
It’s down to him and you
I’m through
Even though I know more than you

When the world
Turns their back
When there’s nowhere to turn
When all you can do
Is pack up and go home

I’ll still be here
You call I’ll be there
Pick up the pieces of your broken world, your soul
Your shattered lonely heart
I’ve been here from the start

What’ve we learned
In a cruel world
Where to we go when there’s nowhere to lean
Look what we’ve earned
For our mistakes
When no one is around for you to be heard
We crash and burn

When your strength
Is all you got
Once there’s nothing else left
When the truth reveals
Itself to you

I’ll still be here
You call I’ll be there
Pick up the pieces of your broken world, your soul
Your shattered lonely heart
I’ve been here from the start

What’ve we learned
In a cruel world
Where to we go when there’s nowhere to lean
Look what we’ve earned
For our mistakes
When no one is around for you to be heard
We crash and burn

You’re running running
As the walls cave in
You’re crashing crasing
Never giving in
Burning burning
Trying to find your way
Run away
Save your life today

What’ve you learned
In a cruel world
Where to you go when there’s nowhere to lean
Look what you’ve earned
For your mistakes
When no one is around for you to be heard
You crash and burn
I’ll pick up the pieces.

I hide away
I’m a closed book
I laugh when I know I shouldn’t
She moved away
That’s all it took
Tried to hold on but I just couldn’t

I’m fearless now
I’m stronger now
At least that’s what I tell her
She’ll never know how
She won’t know how
This all happened because of her

My life just unwound
My world tumbled down
Destruction all around
She’s nowhere to be found

Thought I was lost
I was confused
Thought freedom was loneliness
The paths we’ve crossed
The things we lose
It’s all just meaningless

Bitter no more
Worried no more
She can handle things herself
Half opened door
Memories on the floor
Memories of someone else

My life just unwound
My world tumbled down
Destruction all around
She’s nowhere to be found

Go ahead
I’m okay
Do what you have to
Knowing what I know
Losing you’s okay

Go ahead
Run away
Tired of chasing you
Catching up to shadows
And losing my way

My life just rewound
Rebuilding what you tore down
Destruction all around
I was lost now I’m found

The days drag on
Drag on
And the sun shines on
Shines on
It’s glow makes fun
Fun of me
Taunts me

Haunting me
You haunt me
I see you everywhere I go
Wanting to let go
Of four years ago

Where did we go wrong
When did we pick sides
No one let me know
We had begun some stupid fight
Stupid stupid me
Optimistic fool
Thinking I’d get through
To you

I should move on
Move on
We didn’t get along
Along
Confusing friends
With enemies
You and me

Are you happy
You haunt me
I see you everywhere I go
Wanting to let go
Of four years ago

Where did we go wrong
When did we pick sides
No one let me know
We had begun some stupid fight
Stupid stupid me
Optimistic fool
Thinking I’d get through
To you

I’ll never forget you
Though I should try to
Moving on, letting go
At least trying to
Be as strong
As you

Where did we go wrong
When did we pick sides
No one let me know
We had begun some stupid fight
Stupid stupid me
Optimistic fool
Thinking I’d get through
To you

I think the world's biggest geniuses, the worlds most brilliant minds, are often deranged, wacky, or slightly off. Ray Lamontagne is the most brilliant songwriter ever, and he looks like a serial killer. His writing is raw, uninhibited, honest, and gut wrenching. He seems reclusive, quiet, but that is the sign of brilliance isn't it. Who's that poet that locked herself in her room and wrote the most depressing collection of writing ever? I forget, but it seems like being wacky and reclusive is usually hand in hand with brilliance. he's been on tour this summer with a band called Guster (pop rock with fans like the ones DMB would have. You know, the drunk idiotic frat boys). So, Ray has been getting no respect during his set. Drunk frat boys talking the whole time. Lately he has been storming off stage, mid-song, before the end of his set. Sometimes throwing his guitar and muttering things. The worst was a couple nights ago when he said (I kid you not) to some guy who was just laughing in the crowd: "We have a fuck in the audience. You must think the blues are funny. I suppose you'd rather be at home drinking beers, waiting for your children to get old enough to rape." So yeah, check out his CD n the comfort of your living room, where the brilliant artist can't scare you.

Who am I to tell you
Where you should be heading
What am I to you
I thought I was more

I keep on roaming, I keep on treading
I keep on thinking worrying dreading
Doom is impending, we lose and keep moving
But I’m not ready to move on

Maybe it’ll stop burning
If I just ignore you
Maybe I should stop caring
About what he does to you
Maybe then I’ll start sleeping
Without dreaming of you
With me
Maybe then I’ll be happy

Where’d he take you to
How are you feeling
What can I do
How is he treating you

I keep on fearing I keep questioning
All the decisions that you’ve been making
What is that something your life is missing
I’ve missed you for so long

Maybe it’ll stop burning
If I just ignore you
Maybe I should stop caring
About what he does to you
Maybe then I’ll start sleeping
Without dreaming of you
With me
Maybe then I’ll be happy

I haven’t slept in days
Figuring out just what to say
To you

Maybe if I don’t let it burn
Maybe if I ignore you
Maybe if I stop caring
You’ll start missing me too

You’re still somewhere
I see pieces scattered everywhere I go
You’re everywhere
Taking over every thought I know

I know its forever
I’ll never see you again
But I can’t ever
Let the fact that you’re gone set in

I’ll keep you here
In my mind the memories are still happy
I’ll hold you near
I’ll keep the things you left here to remind me
That You
And Me
Are Broken

Do you remember
All the times we laughed until we cried
But now forever
The tears still comes the laughter subsides

Subsided, we’re shattered
I still don’t know why
Our memories scattered
My rooms a capsule of our precious time

I’ll keep you here
In my mind the memories are still happy
I’ll hold you near
I’ll keep the pain you left to remind me
That You
And Me
Are Broken

What the hell did I do wrong
And Why the hell didn’t I try
I see you everywhere I go
In my thoughts and dreams I am with you
I only wish that you could see me
Or maybe at least try to hear me
Crying out to you

I’ve kept you here
In my mind the memories are fading
I’ve held you near
I’ve finally had enough of waiting
You
And Me
Are Broken

And it took this long to finally set in.

i saw at orientation everyone had the fear. everyone had too much fear to eat. too much fear to talk. too much fear to sit beside on another and make eye contact. i was shocked that i , the shyest and most fearful of all, had the least amount of the fear. I still had too much fear to eat. but thats normal, i never eat

it's a good fear. it's firey, it's exciting. fear can often be good. sometimes we need fear to motivate ourselves, get our blood pumping and our asses up from life's la z boy. I'm scared, which isnt new, i'm always scared or unsure. but for once it's a good scared. as much as i hate change and disorder and all things unknown, this is good. moving forard is good. that rascall flatts song actually means something now, and damn if it doesnt always get me more scared. i like it though, it's poignant.
i think right now we're all scared. by we i mean my old classmates. the alumni. dun dun dun. i think we're all talk. All big men, excited to breakaway from mommy and daddy's cocoon, even though our wings may not have completely formed yet. we know they haven't, and we're scared. we would never admit that to anyone, somettimes not even ourselves. because we are men (like the mulan song). i don't feel like a man yet. sure all my bits and pieces work like a man's are expected to. but i'm still just a kid inside. unsure, awkward, sarcastic, with a secret sickening optimism.
the fear is good, we need the fear. if we didn't have the fear we'd be robots. we don't know what our future brings. where we belong. where we're going. sure we have dreams. then we'll have plans. then when all of that goes to crap what? then what? the fear. the fear doesn't go away. it keeps us going. it's a fire in your belly, its that feeling like you're gonna pee before you go ona rollercoaster. it's exciting.

I'm slowly become a foodie. Blog updates will be few now because its the summertime and well, what do I have to complain about. I get to sleep, watch TV and "explore my new exotic pleasure " (credit: Shakira) COOKING. For a long while I had a kitchen phobia. I was afraid I'd never learn and when I did I'd be very bad. But I'm not so bad. Once in a while I do ruin meals, I have burned onions, and despite what some say burnt onions are not still eatable. (though they smell increible, Yum O). But burning and ruining is how you learn. And I'm definitely learning. Watching as much food TV as I do, I've learned technique. No it's not all about the eye-candy, and by eye candy I mean that sexy piece of arse Madame Paula Deen. I'm really learning, and I'm good at this. I like when I'm good at something, and I love even more when Dan is NOT good at the thing that I am good at.

Keeps the juices flowing

Diego skipped barefoot thtough his paved backyard, whihch was'nt really a backyard as much as it was a 20 x 20 patch of brick and weeds. His mother laughed at him through a window in the kitchen, an ancient dusty fan buzzed and blew against the tshirt that stuck to her sweaty back. She laughed because Diego wasnt skipping like most kids do, he was doing it involuntarily, it was too hot to keep his feet on the brick for too long and "too hot to wear sneakers." In the yard, Diego could see his classmates and their younger siblings playing in open hydrants, getting yelled at by policemen, and then getting beaten by their parents for making them open the hydrant to begin with. A man was sitting in his car with all four doors opened, blasting a heavy-bass version of Hips Don't Lie by Shakira. He bobbed his head and wiped the sweat off his greasy brow, winked at girls who danced down the street to the songs infectious sound, flashed his gold tooth, and frowned as they laughed and ran away. "Oye Diente Midas" Diego hears from a distance, they're calling the gilded toothed one, "Vamos a freir huevos!" He jumps out of his car, Shakira still looping, and crouches down on the sidewalk. Three men gather around and toss eggs on the street. One man in a headband and wifebeater is holding the pepper. The egg however runs down the sidewalk, away from the men and slowly drips into a drain along the curb. "Caramba, queria huevos".

I'm so schizophrenic. Constant back and forth, can't make up my mind, total illogical patterns of thought. I finally made my decision.. Chestnut Hill. It may be the biggest mistake of my life, I'm so unsure about every choice I make and step I take. I'm growing up, but would rather stay home, eat cookies for breakfast, snuggle in my bed and watch Disney movies. Other times, however I feel like being independent, going against the grain, going insane, going mad. Other times I drive myself completely bonkers with how inconsistent I am, and how illogical my loopy mind really is. I have no maturity level, as I write this deep adult meaningful blog kinda really want to see the movie with the talking animals that was just advertized on TV. I hate big changes, I hate not knowing. But then sometimes I hate knowing, I hate predictanility, but feel completely unssafe with unpredictability. Before I was scared not knowing where I'd end up, now I'm scared of where I'll be. I'm weird. I'm so excitd to break away and start a new chapter in my life, but I really wish I was more sure of myself and my decisions.

I really hate that bitch Shonda Rhimes for playing Anna Nalicks whole CD on Grey's Anatomy, and also want to have sex with her for a) writing such a great show and b) opening my ears to sch an amazingly talented artist. I'm looping her song Wrexk of the Day. It's a brilliant and passionate song, I love those songs that are so open to interpretation. Her heart is plopped onto the cutting board, and isn't beating anymore, she has tragically and beautifully given up on love if she cannot be with this one particular guy. She writes about destiny, prayer and the tragedy of a love lost. She's so hopelless and torn into pieces, it's so beautiful and sad. She's so lonely, I kinda wanna do her.

With spring creeping in and making everything all sticky coomes the complete loss of motivation. I managed to make my steinbeck paper one page doubled spaced of complete suckking. Im just not feeling Grapes of Wrath anymore, even the characters suck. And I will admit I didenjoy writing about Steinbeck's chacters as they were always very complex. but Grapes is just... wandering. Its just them leaving their farm. I think i hear bats outside my window. Tandom but thats a vey strange sound. Like a dying chihuahua on helium? I can't describe it. Its a freaky sound. I don't like postingh mywriting on here cause it isnt good. But I don't know what else to post here. Im not very introspective or angry lately. I'm still cold and snarky, but no need to blog aout that. Now it seems I have o keep this forever, as an homage to a blog that was once my motivation to blog and has since been abandomed and deleted. RIP!

This may be the first thing I've ever written that's remotely funny. First story is about Ross from friends when he gets stood up. Second is about some person I know..... I wated to try writing something with such a serious title that turned out to be really ridiculous and ironic and funny. I'm getting better at comedy, not quite FUNNY yet

Tragedy and Misery

She’s an hour late
As you sit and wait
You sit, drink and wallow alone
Doesn’t it feel great?
On your first blind date
Joe’s Pizza picks up when you call her phone

Maybe she came
Maybe she saw you
Maybe she left then and there
You’ve been fake-numbered
You pitiful fool
Get up from that table; they’re starting to stare

Your life is nothing but plain ole tragedy
You wallow alone in self-loathing misery
Well I’m sorry life sucks, but please complain to another
Truth is I set you up with my mother
She’s been kinda lonely, thought I’d throw her a bone
One look at that pitiful pile, she was done.

He was so lonely
And she was the only
One who would notice him at all.
She said “I love you” in a letter
She tried and tried, he didn’t let her
Now she’s worse than him and has no friends at all.

Her life is nothing but plain ole tragedy
She sits and waits for him, miserably
Sorry life sucks, might you have a brother?
Cause your lover’s type isn’t far from yours either.
Now you’re kind of lonely, and that was a low blow
But your little boy toy wants his own beau.

Call it irony, call it tragedy
But problems follow these ill-fated fools.
Try to feel sorry for their misery
Try not to laugh at how their stories unfold
Try to sympathize, try to feel pity
Don’t hold it in or you might explode.

I don't like surveys. I only did that one before just to make fun of Dan's cutter poontang. But I really like that the questions on this thing arent retarded.

1. If you could have anything delivered to your doorstep each morning, what would it be? i hate the mornings, so i don't need anything but coffee. hm but delivered? Kona haha

2. What is one vacation destination that many people think is just fabulous but which you personally have no desire to visit (or revisit)? Australia. Hmm. no I take it back. I really want to go everywhere, even London. I'll go to London and go ga ga over the accents and not eat for days. Like Kelly's first London visit, I'll just eat bread.

3. If you were five years younger but knew everything at that age that you've actually learned over the last five years, what is one thing you would definitely do differently?Let's see, I was 12. That was when I went to school with girls, though underdevloped back then hehe. So... lose my virginity at 12.

4. If you could wake up to one smell every morning (besides coffee) what would it be? BACON!! I love whe the smell of bacon makes its way all throughout the house and into my roooom

5. Suppose that right now you could be at your favorite vacation spot, reading your favorite book, listening to your favorite CD, and eating your favorite food. What would be your choices for those four categories, and who, if anyone, would be with you?
Spot: Plaza Mayor, Salamanca
Book: Girl Like Che, or Love Monkey
CD: Unwrapped or Destiny by Gloria Estefan.
Food: Chicken Parm
Who: A very select number of friends that I know I could completely be myself around.

6. Which animated character is your all-time favorite? Wakko Warner of The Animaniacs.

7. How do you think you will look in 10 years? Still short! Maybe a little facial hair. Definately a tattoo. Probably less hair but still kinda long. I'll be 27, that's sort of adult, so medium length shaggy hair.

8. If you had to write a brief message on a dollar bill that many people would eventually see as the currency circulates, what message would you write? this money's cursed. americans are paranoid but would still use it. Hispanics would take it to the crazy spiritist on the corner for a cleansing, pray a rosary, light a candle... then use it.

9. If you could own a home on the shore of any body of water in the world, which waterfront would you choose? Is Hawai'i on the Pacific? Cause that's where I'm living.

10. Suppose you had the opportunity to choose 3 people with whom to eat dinner: a famous sports figure, a movie star and a popular singer. Who would you choose?
Athlete: One of the 2 volleyball winning girls from the 2004 summer olympics. Forgot their names, watched them on mute.
Actor: reba! i need someone fun and talkatie at dinner.
Singer: gloria estefan. not just cause it's her, shes a really interesting person.
TV Chef: Rachael Ray! Need I say more!? She'll cook. Yum-O!

11. You've been asked to create a brand new road sign that will be put up on streets throughout your town. People in your town will be expected to obey it just as they would any other road sign. What will your new sign command drivers to do? lower te bass of your pimped out steros please. word up y'all.

12. What serves as the greatest motivation for you in your daily life?being cuban... really. its inspirational and makes me proud. i like seeing so many cubans who came from nothing strive to so much, and that gives me a little hope.

13. What activity that you have to do every once in a while do you dread the most? gym class?

14. If you were a multimillionaire, what do you believe you would be doing at this very moment? the maid.

15. If you could have a cookie jar full of anything you wanted, except money or cookies, what would it be filled with? porn. Could that work? jars of porn? i could patent it... don't steal that. Patent Pending. Jar of Porn ©

16. When people hear what you do for a living, what is the most typical question or comment they give you regarding your job?"oooh a senior! gettin' ready for college huh?"

17. What lesson do you believe we must continuously try to master day after day? be colorblind. God is. don't be a racist moron. also, be an indiidual. try to stand apart from the crowd in a world that strives to make us all the same. don't be a robot and don't ever be easily influenced by others.

18. What is the most fascinating object in the sky? airplanes. How do they fly? "It has something to do with wind"-Monica Gellar.

19. What is the most boring speech you ever heard in person? I remember blacking out during a few homilys. Especially altar serving. I used to sit by the mic and one time, Fr Atillio was choking and in a thick italian accent turned o me, half asleep and said "Watah! I Need Watah!" and you know that laugh where you try to hold it in and it ends u coming out from your throat like a snort sort of but not. Yeah that echoed through the entire church. Then Deacon Tom got the water.

20. If you could have any round object in the world, what spherical item would you want? a bowling ball cause i used to be good... with gutter-guards. even without, i usually beat everyone.

21. If you were left alone for one hour with nothing more than a pen and a notepad, what would you be inclined to draw or write during those 60 minutes? i'd try writing a story. then i'd practice my signature.

22. If you could witness anything at all in super-slow motion, what would you want to see? I'll steal the person's answer cause it's a great one. Jesus walking on water

23. If you had to live out of the country for the next couple of years, what aspect of your new environment do you think you would find the most satisfying? If I'm in Spain, how laid back everyone is. They have naptime. I's like kindergarden, without the power ranger's sleeping bag.

24. Suppose you're at a party where you meet an alert and astute 100 year old person. Since everyone wants to talk to this person, you only have time to ask one question. What would you ask? what did you point your furniture at before TV?

25. Aside from your family, friends or pets, what would be the most difficult thing for you to give up in your life? my dvds and my computer. oh and my tivo. Love You Tivo

26. What is one profession that you never pursued but that you think you would probably have been quite good at? pornstar.

27. In one sentence, what do you believe is the secret to life? honesty

28. If someone were looking for you in a bookstore, in what section would they be most likely to find you? fiction and the tinylittle hispanic section/

29. Over the last 200 years or so, the world has advanced and changed in many ways. Nonetheless, can you think of at least one aspect of life that has remained virtually unchanged throughout the last two centuries? sex doesn't change right. It's always Tab A into Slot B, can't really advance that.

30. What do you forget to do more often than anything else? clean my room. comb my hair.

31. If you could teach everyone in the world one skill, what would it be? spanish. or the 5 paragraph essay! NERD! I love me

32. Rank the four seasons in order from your favorite to least favorite. winter, fall, spring, summer

33. In your own opinion, what is your most likeable quality? I'm honest and H I L A I O U S

34. Suppose a furniture company offered to make you a special chair to order. Instead of the standard upholstery, you would choose any fruit's skin or rind to cover your chair in. What would it be? which is the fuzzy fruit, kiwi.

35. What is something you used to love to do but have outgrown or gotten tired of? video games.

All I’ll Ever Be

 

Who do they think

Who do they think I am? And why do they care?

Why do they think I’ve got so much inside?

So much to hide?

 

Really, no secret’s safe with me.

Cause I have nothing left to keep

Nothing within

That’s worth hiding

And you

I really have no need for you

Or anyone looking to

Save me

Looking to define me

 

Maybe I’ve got something deep inside

Maybe one day I’ll regret

All those tears I haven’t cried

But for now I’m fine with who I am

Fine with not giving a damn

Maybe that’s me

Maybe that’s all I’ll ever be

 

I'm not very good at poetry. But I wrote this because I really don't like how I have no emotion. How I have virtually one layer. Sure I'm sad once in a while, but not wehen I should be. I'm uncomdortable with sadness, and I think I'm dead insisde. It's scary. People think I'm deepm, like I have so much inside that's boittled. It's so odd that this is all I've got

Ms Eaton said writing in the little notepad is less intimidating than a giant sheet of paper or a blank computer screen. But now that I have my little book, its so teeny that I need to make every word I write in it count. I cant cross out in it. Its so tiny and clean and pretty. So why would I mess it up with nonesense. I need about 20 more moleskines before I feel safe enoughto mess one up. Ten dollars is a lot. I do look forward to writing in it though. But I'm still scared to mess it up I love it so much.

I was mean today. I didn't mean to be. But I was naturally mean. And that scared me. So I want to try and be nicer cause if it was a natural reflex... that's not good!!! I'll still do it to Muir though. I've been blurting out wwhat could be jokes if said in the proper tone, but the tone always comes out angry and hateful, I'm just bad at hiding my true feelings. But today those really weren't my true feelings and I felt bad. I usualy never think i'm wrong. Well I never admit to it. But I was. Wow. i must be gowing up.. hopefully...

Q1) Sleep with or without clothes on? with
Q2) Prefer black or blue pens? Black and thick. Like my women
Q3) Dress up on Halloween? With my regular clothes. Like Gilligan or Seth Cohen
Q4) Like to travel? What little I have, Florida and Spain. Yes I love it
Q5) Like Someone? no
Q6) Do they know? Maybe that's why she doesnt email me back hehe
Q7) Who sleeps with you every night? The Kelly Clarkson poser hung on my wall
Q8) Do you think you are attractive? I'm cute. Always cute I'm like yor little cousin. So cute ha it's odd to be a guy and be cute
Q9) Want to get married? Yes
Q10) To who? OK for real? Someone who's able to handle my sarcasm and dish it back. And must have a strong sexual appetite. I'm a dick not a person.
Q11) Are you a good student? If I like the class
Q12) Are you currently happy? I'm always happy. It's cause I'm so cute. And I think I'm dead inside and happy's just the default emotion haha
Q13) Have you ever cheated? No
Q14) Birthplace? Secaucus
Q15) Christmas or Halloween? Christmas. Though I hate the decorations I love giving gifts!
Q16) Colored or black-and-white photo? Color. Black and white is for pretentious people who think theyre artsy. Like taking a picture of half your monitor and putting it on myspace
Q17)do long distance relationships really work? It did for Chandler and Monica
Q18) Do you believe in God? Yes.
Q19) Do you believe in love? i believe the children are the future. I believe in a weird type ofdf love. Not a love at first sight but maybe a love that is very flawed that a guy and a girl have to work hard at. If you care enough about a personto work through problems or obstacles then that's what love is about. But the mushy I love you candy hearts brouhaha only works in Jlo movies
Q20) Do you consider yourself the life of the party? If I'm around people I like spending time with maybe not the life but at least I'll be more myself
Q21) Do you drink? No, and if I ever will it will be very casual. I just don't get it
Q22) Do you make fun of people? Only my friends. To their faces. If I don't like someone, I just laugh at them. (I liked what poontang said so I kept it)
Q23) Do you think dreams eventually come true? My dreams are very long term. We'll see what I say at my first book signing
Q24) Favorite fictional character? Chandler ahahaha. H'es from Wuthering Heights ;)
Q25) ever moved? No
Q27) What's up? This quiz got retarded. nm u lolzzz
Q29) Last time you cut your hair? August
Q30) Last person you talked to on the phone? my mom
Q32) Loud or soft music? I'm so over the place right now Im looping a loud song by Shakira maybe later I'll listen to Jack Johnson. I'm realy strange with music but I love that I haven't limited my tastes
Q33) Mcdonalds or Burger King? McDonalds.
Q34) Night or day? Night. I am an insomniac by choice
Q35) Number of pillows? 2
Q36) Piano or guitar? i have both. Cant play either. So Ill say Ipu Heke hahaha
Q37) future job? Writer? Journalist. Creative Writing teacher? Krpt Man? Mr K told me to pursue a career in writing cause he likes my writing. i like him now "by the way.."
Q38) Current job? Amateur porn star. No dan you cannot download my work
Q39) Current thought?Thank God no one can see me dancing to Shakira "En Barranquilla se baila asiiiii"
Q40) Current longing? I want someonwe to doo my tedious Computer project for me
Q41) Current disappointment? my story's not done
Q42) Current annoyance? Im sure Ill think of something eventually hehe
Q43) Last thing you ate? popcorn
Q44) Last thing you bought? Greys Anatomy season one .
Q45) Most recent thing you are lookin forward to? I cant wait to see teehe Lit Mag published.
Q46) What are you wearing right now? Prep pajamas and my Reality TV Runner Up tshirt
Q47) Plans for the weekend? I need to sleep or I'll punch someone
Q48) What did you do yesterday? School litmag meeting and tried to wrap my brain around Dan's shocking love interest
Q49) DO YOU LOVE THE PERSON WHO DID THIS B4 YOU? Nooo if I said I loved Dan's Poontang He'd beat me down
Q50) Ever been drunk? Nope.

I've been translating songs, tryingto better my Spanish vocabulary. Here's one of my many attempts that I actually do not find teribble. Though it does need work

Just in case I never return
I will carry your lovely flag
Lamenting that my eyes never
Saw my people free again

Everybody knows clearly why
I had to leave my blessed home
See though I left I always felt
I’d return as quickly as I left

But the time keeps passing, fleeting
And your sun keeps crying, bleeding
Those stiff ties that bind you tighten
And I’m still sitting, waiting, and to my Lord, continue praying

And I’ve always said it proudly
As they envied my being born in your arms
And though I am not with you
A piece of me always remains in that place
-- Just in case
Just in case I never return

The moment is quickly approaching
When your suffering erases
We swear we won’t hold a grudge—God help us!
And we will all share together
The same joy, for once, God willing!

Though so much time has passed us now
With pride I have carried your name
And to all the skeptics of the world
I have told them of your beauty and your truth

But my dear homeland don’t you suffer
Heart of mine don’t break apart
There is no bad that lasts a hundred years
Nor any human that can withstand such age

And I never wanted to leave you
I called on you with each free step
And my love always remains there
A one lone flower there, in that place
Just in case
Just in case I never return

Yes, it's worth it. It is worth the frustration and aggravation as the end result will be something I'm proud to have "given birth" to. I understand there's no need any more to continue writing, but I want to. And fee it will only do me good in the future to never let my skills rust up. I've gotten much more comfortable in the creative genre and I do not want to forget all the tools and techniques I learned last semester. It loosened me up and I fear that I may be ready to start my own story, withuut a teacher's guidance. Who am I kidding? I NEED MY TEACHER!! I don't have a due date! I don't wave a day to have a first draft done! I don't have to be done in time for a useless peer edit by a peer who has nothing helpful to say!! I'm not being graded Im not being rushed! I NEED TO BE RUSHED!!!

Now that I don't take Creative Writing anymore, I am finding itt harder to motivate myslf to write. I do want to continue writing fiction as I don't want my skills to get rusty, but now that there is no need to rush I fear that I am becoming a lazy writer. There is no need to get a story down as now the time is limitless, I do not only have one cycle to finish a story. Now I could end up like Ms Eaton, whose worked on a book foryears. Or, God forbid, like Muir, who has never written anything and just aas a dream to become a published author someday. I need due dates, which Ms Eaton jokingly said she'd give me, since she noticed the joy I found in writing for her class. I will continue and have a good idea for my next story, I just do not know where to begin, or why I'm writing it. I no longer have an audience, though it was just an audience of one, maybe at most three, it was still an audience. I do not want my writing to sit on my hard drive as writers write because they are vain and want to share their "babies" with many. I want to continue, but fear it isn't worth it... I may just start emailing my stories to Ms. Wortman and never get a response. I'm atill waiting for a response to my "happy nondenominational holiday season" email.

I try to stay away from politics. Mainly because it doesn't interest me and I hate talking to people about it. The qwhole opinionated thing. Just bothers me and I'd rather not be a polittico. BUT I'm loving that the VERY FIRST HISPANIC inducted into the United Stattes Senate was a CUBAN! Robert Menendez! What an awesome name too! And he's CUBAN. America's not so stupid after all.

I have to spend New Years Eve with about 20 strangers. My uncle's wife's family-- I say it that way because they're Puerto Rican and I'm not neither is my uncle. She's my godmother I'll call her that now that the bloodline has been established. Her family from Puerto Rico are coming to America for the new year. So I have to spend New Year's Eve with them. A bad night but up until a few hours ago I had no other option. My other uncle calls-- my moms brother-- and asks to spend New Year's with us like we used to when my cousin and I were growing up. I think last time we did that AJ wasn't even a year old. We had grown apart since then. Not really, but sort of. There wasnt much talking anymore, they moved a little further out into NY. (They were 30 minutes away versus an hour now). But they still spoke to my mom we would go over for AJs birthday and Brandi's birthday and other family stuff but not like we used to. There was a time when we were there every weekend. Once they got the new house for a while they never wanted to leave i because they loved it there so much. It's a beautiful quiet house. So he calls and asks to spnd New Year's Eve at our house. 1) I wouldn't have to get dressed and sit around with 20 people who won't talk to me because I'm 17. 2) I love my family and I love that theyre making an effort to start again. I have so much fun when I'm with them. It's such a shame that I'm stuck in San Juan when I could be at home with familiar people who actually know and care about me. My parents are pissed off too. Shitty way to start a year I've been awaiting since the 8th grade.

I marvel at my inability to accept that I make mistakes. I mess up a lot but will never ever admit to doing so. I'm too hardheaded. I fear that as I grow so will by stubbornness and it will fester into a complete shunning of all people who cannot agree with me. I don't want to surround myself with yesers but I also cannot deal with people who don't listen to me when I talk. Though some may think I am quiet, they would beshocked at the number of words I have in my brain just clamoring to spill out of my mouth. I have an opinion oneverything and it bothers when people have opinions drastically different from my own. Bothers me even more when someone just like me tries to argue his or her own opinion and does not do it well enough.

I am still fearful about my future. I need to grow and mature and accept that people will not mold themselves based onhow I would like them to be. Not everyone can be like me, eventhough I understand that I am not that great and do see many of my huge flaws. It's the flaws I see in others that I do not have that I try to make them get rid of. I need to realize that every individual my age is still slowly growing into themselves and hesitantly figuring out who they will be for the rest of their lives. I fear, also, that I am already so set in my ways that I will never allow myself to evolve as my peers are doing. I need to examine my own psychebefore i examine other peoples'-- an examination that is usually unwanted and very unnecessary.

This post is more about La Tortura than reggaeton, but the following holds true for it too... in a sense. I'll be the first to admit that I hate reggaeton and hate that it's American's only taste of Latin muysic and it is what they think we listen to exclusively. While that is not the case I'm enjoying America's tolerance towards a new genre of music so drastically different from what Top 40 has played for decades. Shakira said it best in her acceptance speech at the Billboard awards. People are putting race and language aside and focusing on the fact that MUSIC is MUSIC no matter than language it is sung in. That really means a lot to me as that tolerance for music can only grow and grow. Hopefully one day songs in spanish will be as popular and equally requested/ wanted as songs in english. A spanglish station!!! It meant a lot to me that a bunch of gringos embraced La Tortura. Even more that many of them tried to learn the words just by sounds! Some looked for translations! It gets me excited that at step one they enjoyed the music, and step 2 they wanted to enjoy the song as a whole. I love that.

I'm not sure why I'm postingright now. Perhaps because there's nothing better to do on a quiet free period that nobody has. I'm thinking about what Ms Garcia said today about Cuba and about the school of the Americas. The school, while it does do military training is not fully responsible for the corruptness of many of its alumni. Evil and mallice is part of your configuration at birth. It is there and fostered by the parents. Fidel Castro, who is the worst and most unethical and evil human being in the universe, actually went to a JESUIT high school. I go to a Jesuit high school and Jesuit teaching is completely about bettering the problems with humanity. The Jesuits are a good people and they were not blamed for Fidel's evil ways. He was born that way and if anyone to blame it is his parents. A school is a school. Evil is simply human nature.

Short answer- no. I am not. Should I be? Am I too much of a pushover? Do people take advantaee of my kindness? Do I allow myself to be stifled too often? These are all questions I haven't answered yet. Questions that I do not think i CAN answer. But a very wise person told me I should be meaner. Does meanness go hand in hand with respect? I need to figure out what I want to do with myself. I don't want to be mean, I'm too cute to be mean :). But I do not want to be nice either. So from now on, I'm going to be mean to those who deserve it.

That's the first thing Ms Garcia taught me. Do not be anyone other than who you want people to say that you are. Be yourself completely. How do people see me? If they could use one word to describe me, some would say funny, others would say sarcastic, but others would say that I am quiet. It's all about how we act and react in situations and settings. In the cafeteria I am goofy, loud and funny. It's a loyud room so to be funny in there you have to be over the top. In the Pub Room, I am sarcastic, facial expressions alone can get me a laugh in there. In the foyer, with Dan in the mornings, I'm mean, snarky, awesome! Also in the Foyer however I'm polte and say good morning to teachers who pass who I may not like very much. "Hey Mr Lagerstrom. Hi Ms Codey how are you?" In religion class I never shut up, not to McCarthy I never listen, I just sit with 2 or 3 people who talk a lot and I'm one of them. I never get yelled at though... they do. Hmm! In Spanish class, I am polite, sweet, and funny, I speak when everyone else is or when spoken to. I make sure to make the right facial exressions when someone makes fun of Cuba. In writing class I'm quiet, really trying to learn, seriously. It's importantto me to become better at what I like to do. I don't see myself as a writer yet. Another thing Ms Garcia taught me was to visualize myself fulfilling my destiny. "Convince yourself that you already ARE who you want to BECOME." (i am a writer i am a writer i am a writer). In Histry Im quiet, asleep with my eyes open. In Steinbeck Im quiet, trying not to wet myself, what a scary man. He was SO NICE today though! Woo Wee!
Ms Garcia has done so much for me. She's helped me in every way she's tried to. None of her other students take her inspirational talks to heart, I do. And today when the senior survey asked me to describe myself in one word, I wrote what I UNDOUBTEDLY am in every class. Cuban.

I wrote this to release some tension. I'm in a bad mood and this is about helping myself find my own way when the person you've always depended on lets you down.


My Way Home
Time Time, be my friend
With me till my bitter end oh time
You’re all I’ve got right now

Rom Room gimme some room
Gimme some truth, some space
Some love some time to heal my open wounds

Faith Faith I gotta have faith
Lord shelter me when no one will be
There, there to protect me

Love Love I must find some love
To be my solace in a world
Of abandonment and forgotten promises

Rain Rain wash me away
Take away the pain of today
And I pray, that flowers grow through the cracked pavement

Find Find find me tonight
Amidst all of my pain my strife
Hide me away and take me away from ths place

New New I need some place new
A warmer place to hang my hat
And finally feel important.

Melody Melody wrap yourself around me
Formulate my reverie
Be with me and help me create my destiny

Destiny Destiny surprise me
Changing unexpectedly
Move too fast; help me find my way home.

I truly feel that the only thing that keeps me going this week is knowing that there will be a new O.C. this Thursday. I'm sleepy. Too sleepy. There are huge bags under my eyes and my eyes droop. I need sleep, and I just can't let myself. I'd want nothing more than to just fall asleep at830. That would give me a good nine hours. Heaven. I can't do it though. I've tried, and usually wake up around 230. My body thinks it's napping if I go to bed t hat early.
I'm very paranoid about what I write. I think my writing should be an extension of myself and it should be a fair representation of who I am. Therefore I should strive to write in a way that makes me proud of myself. Even for yearbook, I should always strive for perfection. I'm too much of a perfectionist. I make drafts when I'm writing yearbook articles. I draft more than Ms Eaton wants me to in creative writing. I rewrite and revise every day until it is due. I'm psychotic, too psychotic? It's not a bad thing. My perfectionistic tendencies have always seemed to result in something good, whether it is high praise or a high grade. My paranoid quirkiness usually ends up being good, even though I break my back in the process. Maybe it's too much, but it never hurts to aim towards being perfect. I'll stop when I have a breakdown like Mariah circa 2002.