The Perks of Being a Cuban.

As long as I'm here, it won't get any easier to leave. We all had a very bad day. It's hard to talk about, I broke my dad, or he broke me, we broke eachother. not on purpose. but he's the only person who knows what I'm going through, he knows everything and understands everything. It's a lot to handle right now.

Translated from Shakira's "No"

What’s the point in apologizing
Stop insisting to be heard
Your excuses are an outdated waste of breath
Don’t look at me longingly
With hopeless dreams of us
Lethally armed with toxic hurtful words

For the last time, I’m begging to be free
I can still feel you deep inside of me
Killing Me
At your age you proclaim maturity
You should know not to treat others like you have me

How can anyone live with so much poison
I had so much hope for you and me
Hoping we’d never be
Apart
It breaks my heart

How can anyone live with so much poison
You can’t dedicate your life
Ignoring good intentions
Ignoring all the world
Drowning in your poison

I hope you don’t expect me to expect to see you
Coming around soon
I’ve run out of what little patience I had

I drift, deciding back and forth
Searching blindingly
Maybe you’ll be bothered and leave me be

For the last time, I’m begging to be free
I can still feel you deep inside of me
Killing Me
At your age you proclaim maturity
You should know not to treat others like you have me


How can anyone live with so much poison
I had so much hope for you and me
Hoping we’d never be
Apart
It breaks my heart

How can anyone live with so much poison
You can’t dedicate your life
Ignoring good intentions
Ignoring all the world
Drowning in your poison

If I had worked harder, if i had taken things more seriously, if i were smarter and better prepred, i wouldn't be here right now. and for now, i am stuck. stuck amidst a sea of people i do not like. i've tried, believe me. i've extended myself, others have extended theirselves, and i find no one here i click to. mentally, they all lack several dozen iq points. i know i'm not smart, but i definitely do not sound stupid when i speak, i'm definitely capable of coherence in thought and sentence. they however are not. they all have stupid catch phrases like "i hear that". They're attention spans are comparable to that of a flea and the amount of effort is put more into super smash brothers than the impending deadline of a paper. they lack focus, they lack spunk, they lack personality. everything here lacks personality. everything here is just ... here. the people here just exist. they have no plans they have no goals they have o motivation. they are content with their place in the world and have no motivation, drive, or reason to move forwards. it's horrifying here. is this what the college experience is? is this what we work all our lives to arrive to? I doubt it. So for now, I'm stuck at the lopsided college experience, the world of the unmotivated, the land where time stands still. i wish i could talk to my parents, i wish i could tell them what its like here, and be completely honest. but they'd worry, they'd feel bad, and they can't do anything. I've lied, i've tried, i really did try. i really tried to make the best of a bad bad situation. but no one's clicking, nothing's happening. everyone's at the same mental capacity. i regret not doing better, i regret not applying a little out of my reach. i regret a lot of things, but most of all i regret ever agreeing to come here.

Get a sense of where I am
I come to my senses
The path that Im treading
Is winding
Is winding down
Around here
There’s nothing
Around here
There’s no one
There’s nothing

It’s me standing alone
On my own
Summing up the strength
Growing a set
And letting go
Letting go

Try to remember what I dreamt last night
Regain my sight
In the blinding sunlight
It’s clear here
I’m unclear
Where am I going
I’m unclear
What am I doing
What the hell

It’s me standing alone
On my own
Summing up the strength
Growing a set
And letting go
Letting go

That fear that’s often dreaded
Left unsaid
Left to take its toll on
Unsuspecting optimists
Like me
Had taken me over
Had tried to take over
Unsuccessfully

It’s me standing alone
On my own
Summing up the strength
Growing a set
And letting go
Letting go

The Hispanic family is a very complex beautiful thing. It should be studied, it should be envied. Not many are lucky to have what I do, and feel the love and support I feel. Not many feel so much comfort with so many people. I love my family. I cannot think what life is like without them constantly near me. I was talking to Michelle and she said that we're both so close to our families and though I'mn closer time wise, it's going to be hard fr me. Being in SF is hard for her, she thought it would get easier. but when you're raised in such a loving environment, it's hard to be alone. it's hard to be quiet, and be with no one. we're loud, we're fun. Nothing Cuban is ever quiet. And now, it's just me and the quiet. It'll take getting used to. It'll be hard being way, not seeing everybody every week for dinner or on the street. It's going to be hard not hearing everybody downstairs. It doesn't get easier when you're that close. The Latin family is close-knit. It's such a strong unbelieveable bond. Family is so important. It's going to be hard not being here for everthing now.

This is the start of a new end
Everything is just beginning
Everything is at my feet
On my shoulders

I hide away in nothing
Nowhere to be found
I’m not looking for anyone
Nobody’s even around

I’m all alone
The world’s on my back
And all I want to do is turn around
I’m all alone
Just looking back
No one that I know is still around

There’s a million ways
To go from here
To start from here
Where to now

I hide away in nothing
Nowhere to be found
I’m not looking for anyone
Nobody’s even around

I’m all alone
The world’s on my back
And all I want to do is turn around
I’m all alone
Just looking back
No one that I know is still around

I feel very aware of what's happening tomorrow. It's irritating, but it's nice to feel.

Everyone's acting like I'm dying. Like moving two hours away is a prison sentence, which I guess it sometimes can be seen as. I keep getting calls. I keep getting questions. I'm tired ofwriting about this. Tired. But it's frustrating. I'm not dying! HA HA I'm just going to school.

Always waiting for things to fall on me
Let things just happen to me
Never doing the happening
Never finding a reason to
Ever care of doing
Or even care of finding
I’ll be found when the time is right

Meet life halfway
Shake life’s hand
Figure life out
So this is what they’re always talking about

Halfway home, on my way away
From here
Halfway gone a few more days away
From seemingly free
Freedoms not all it’s cracked up to be

Lying in my comfort zone safe, home
Lying here free, and alone
Giving up too soon
Trying to find some good
In growing and
In knowing
No one’s going to care that I’ve grown anymore

Meet life halfway
Shake life’s hand
Figure life out
So this is what they’re always talking about

Halfway home, on my way away
From here
Halfway gone a few more days away
From seemingly free
Freedoms not all it’s cracked up to be

The key to surviving our transitional years, 16, 17, 18 19, is denial. As teenagers, we deny that we're scared, we deny that we want to be the best, we deny that we aren't the best. The worst thing of all, we deny the fact that we are in denial. All the lies, we lie to ourselves so much that after a while the lies start to seem like the truth. We deny so much that we can't seem to see the truth sitting right in front of us. Staring at us. Taunting us. I try to be honest,and I usually am. This is a very transitional time for me, and for about everyone in my life right now. It would be nice to hear others' truths without letting my own pick away at me. I think everyone at this age is fearful inside. "The world of pretend is a cage, not a cocoon. We can only lie to ourselves" And what good will lying do when the truth and the toll it takes on us is visible on our pale worried faces? I'm not that scared of leaving home. I'm close, I can be home quickly if it ever becomes too much. It's just, the idea, the word 'college'is intimidating and daunting. It's the last step. It's it. And if you don't make it, you're screwed. I'm scared of the burden it brings. I'm scared of what it means. And I don't ever deny it. I've been asked are you worried? Are you excited?" and I've answered both because it is both. It's such an exciting thing, it's life-changing, it's life-starting. But it's actual life. Not mommy daddy life. Not "I'll meet you in gym class" life. No more "did Mr Koszyk mention Cuba I nyour class too Rob? "Yeah and he looked at me first to see if I was okay with it" no more childishness. That's frightening. That's exciting. It's tiring to think about. It's tiring denying. We are scared. WE are tired. There's no denying, truth is unchangeable. "Welcome Weeks" across the globe are filled with pale worried kids muttering what the hell to themselves and playing with crappy food. Sooner or later, when we put aside our denial, we'll be able to face the world and be stronger for it. We'll be stronger when we are able to feel things, to experience the world honestly, emotionally. When we put aside our hardheadedness and our seemingly hardheartedness, we'll be able to face the world.

...Just thoughtful. Right now, I dont know what to think about. What lies ahead is so massive, so much to think about, so intimidating. Too much. I'm not dead inside. I just hate talking about thiings like this. College is something we've heard about since chhildren. It's been builtup into this gigantanourmous gateway portal thingy to our unknown futures. That's terrifying. I'm not dead inside. I think about shit like this. I don't like blogging about it. It's horibble to think that I won't be in class with any of the same people anymore. To think that I won't see any of my friends again until winter. Thats a ssucky thought when it's still muggy and hot outside. I'm not good at new places. I'm quiet. And what I loved about high school was for some reason I made ftiends. I don't know how they happened, but they did. And I'm sure they'll happen in college too. But for the first time I'm going there with no one. Absolutely no oe. Myspace and Facebook are my connection to the people I'm... connected... to. Fucking facespace. I hate them, but now I love them. I hope to never have to ask any of my friends "how've you been? What've you been upto?" That would been we've losttouch. That can't ever happen. Not again.

Everything’s changing
As I try to hang on
The world keeps on spinning
And they all move on

What if I held tighter
Would it make any difference
If I were stronger
I could move on

But I’m not ready
I’m still a kid inside
I’m not complicated
And I’ve got nothing to hide
Life’s not as simple
As we’ve been told
But I’m just a kid
Not ready to grow
And let go.

When I was small
I was always told
You’ll know it all
When you get old

But I still know nothing
About this here world
They’re so pulled together
And I’m still a mess

Cause I’m not ready
I’m still a kid inside
I’m not complicated
And I’ve got nothing to hide
Life’s not as simple
As we’ve been told
But I’m just a kid
Not ready to grow
And let go.

Maybe it’ll be easier
When I see that place
Maybe I’ll be stronger
If I grow and finally face
The world
Maybe when I grow
When I finally know
I’ll be okay
Until that day…

I won’t be ready
I’ll still be a kid inside
Still not complicated
Still got nothing to hide
Life’s still not as simple
As we’ve been told
But I’m still a kid
Not ready to grow
And let go.

-------------------RED----------------------
1. Closest red thing to you?:
the sheets on my bed. aren't red sheets sexy

2. Last thing to make you angry?
my dad

3. Do you have a temper?
really mean one

4. Are you a fan of romance?:
no. i hate all that lovey gooey brouhaha

-------------------ORANGE-------------------
1. Closest orange thing to you?:
my Reba DVD

2. Do you like to burn things?:
No. I've burbed food, and that makes me sad.

3. Dress up for Halloween?:
used to. last year i went as seth cohen. because i wore a blue sweater i was in costume, Robert doesnt wear blue. Seth does!

4. Are you usually a warm-hearted person?:
I can be very nice, but some see me as mean spirited. but i secretly care a lot about my friends. secretly

5. Are you usually full of energy?
after a coffee maybe

-------------------YELLOW-------------------
1. Closest yellow thing to you?
a blank VHS cover

2. The happiest time[s] of your life?
eight grade then sophomore junior and senior year. freshmen year was hard.

3.Favorite holiday:
christmas

4. Are you a coward?:
sometimes

5. Do you burn or tan?:
if i stay in the sun just the right amount of time my arms tan. my nose and face always get reddish though, which i think looks cutttttttttte ha ha

-------------------GREEN-------------------
1. Closest green thing to you?:
my post its

2. Do you care about the enviroment?:
yeah, thats the one thing i really love about my school. it's so deserted, it's all trees and clean air. yup thats the one thing ha ha

3. Are you jealous of anyone right now?:
you'd think so,, but nope

4. Are you a lucky person?
life could always be worse

5. Do you always want what you can't have?
i guess? I'm poor, i want rich people clothes? meh. I'm pretty satisfied

6. Do you like being outdoors?:
if it's clowdy. or if it's cld. or if it's just stopped raining. the smell of freshly fallen rain is the most peceful smell ever

7. Are you Irish?:
Thank God no. I can't even imagine how boring that would be. Everyone's friggin Irish.

-------------------BLUE-------------------
1. Closest blue thing to you?
Kelly's t shirt in my picture with her

2. Are you good at calming people down?:
Depends. I am good at rationalizing situations. I was told I give good advice the other day.

3. Do you like the sea?:
it's relaxing. but also gross that fish AND humans piss in it

4. What was the last thing that made you cry?
I'll never tell. I don't cry. Though I did sort of a few days ago.

5. Are you a logical thinker?:
Not at all. I'm sort of good ata planning and reasoning, but I'm way ourtt of the box.

6. Can you sleep easily?:
sadly, no.

---------------------PURPLE-------------------
1. Closest purple thing to you?:
Mom's shirt near the washing machine

2. Like being treated to expensive things?:
No i feel weird being given things. I like to give

3. Do you like mysterious things?:
Read this question, thought Jesus. Yes.

4. Favorite type of chocolate?:
Milk or white

5.re you creative?:
i like to think so.

-------------------PINK-------------------
1. Closest pink thing to you?:
my nipples

2. Do you like sweet things?:
once in a while

3. Like play-fighting?:
not particularly

4. Are you sensitive?:
only by myself

5. Do you like punk music?:
no. my roommate does, that will be exciting.

-------------------WHITE-------------------
1. Closest white thing to you?:
computer paper

2. Would you say you're innocent?:
sure. i dont think i'd do well being naugty. im not hot enough for naughty

3. Always try to keep the peace?:
depends who it involves

4. How do you imagine your wedding?
in montelchino italy. already taken? bah.

5. Do you like to play in the snow?:
ha ha yes.

6. Are you afraid of going to the doctors or dentist?:
yes

-------------------BLACK-------------------
1. Closest black thing to you?:
my hoodie

2. Ever enjoy hurting people?:
emotionally? i used to. i've mellowed. they dont cry (on the outside) anymore

3. Are you sophisticated or silly?:
both, a time and place for everything

4. Would you like to go to space?:
if i didnt have to learn science

5. Do you have a lot of secrets?:
yes. not intentionally, i just don't offer up information to people so easily.

6. What is your favorite color?:
brown red gray green

7. Does the color you wear affect your mood?
brown? shitty mood? he he

I feel just like a failure
So much I could have done
I felt you drift away
I saw you run run run

Into his arms like he could save you
Into his world like it was safe
Into his heart like he could make you
Or break you
Help you
So much to say to you

Never mind
You won’t listen anyway
Never mind
His word is your gospel
Never mind
What can I say
When he’s told you
There’s nothing to tell
Never mind

You keep trying to outrun
The loose ends of your past
You try not to remember
Moving on so fast

Into his arms like he could save you
Into his world like it was safe
Into his heart like he could make you
Or break you
Help you
So much to say to you

Never mind
You won’t listen anyway
Never mind
His word is your gospel
Never mind
What can I say
When he’s told you
There’s nothing to tell
Never mind

Trying to find a reason
Trying to get to you
Trying to find a way to break on through
And when you realize it
And when you can’t deny it
You’ll see me
Once your eyes are dry
Until then

Never mind
He’s’ your gospel truth
Never mind
He’s put his burden all on you
Never mind
What can I do
When he’s told you
I never tell the truth
Never mind

I’m frozen by the fear
That you’re lost inside yourself
You’re trapped and so unclear
Spiraling into someone else

Something isn’t right
Take me anywhere tonight
Anywhere into the light
So I can save you tonight

Thoughtlessness takes over
As you quickly come undone
Looking for a lover
However it may come
You’re trying to find him, searching
Losing, Missing
Wanting
Wanting to be loved

You’ve tried to guard yourself
By letting no one in
You hide away within yourself
Blue is the color you dream in

Something isn’t right
Let’s go anywhere, take flight
Anywhere into the night
So I can save you tonight

Thoughtlessness takes over
As you quickly come undone
Looking for the heart of a lover
In whatever form it comes
You’re trying to find him, searching
Losing, Missing
Wanting
Wanting to be loved

What once was won’t be again
Have faith in tomorrow
Moving on to another end
Don’t let him haunt you
Anymore
Looking for love, losing a friend
Looking to someone hollow inside
Finding a new beginning’s end
Don’t let him hurt you
Anymore

I’ll learn to ignore
Learn not to involve anymore
Of myself in your
Foolish childish games

Pretend
I know nothing
But I know more about the world
You’re getting yourself into
Than you do
I know
I swear I do

You don’t have to listen
Of course you never do
You don’t have to care
It’s down to him and you
I’m through
Even though I know more than you

Wholeheartedly you protest
You know the world, the cruel world
You claim maturity
Naivety gets in your way

I’ll Pretend
I know nothing
But I know more about his world
You’re getting sucked into
Than you do
I know
I swear I do

And when your life is a burden
When his walls his claws close in
I know you’ll confess though you protest
It’s always been about him
I know

You don’t have to listen
Of course you never do
You don’t have to care
It’s down to him and you
I’m through
Even though I know more than you

When the world
Turns their back
When there’s nowhere to turn
When all you can do
Is pack up and go home

I’ll still be here
You call I’ll be there
Pick up the pieces of your broken world, your soul
Your shattered lonely heart
I’ve been here from the start

What’ve we learned
In a cruel world
Where to we go when there’s nowhere to lean
Look what we’ve earned
For our mistakes
When no one is around for you to be heard
We crash and burn

When your strength
Is all you got
Once there’s nothing else left
When the truth reveals
Itself to you

I’ll still be here
You call I’ll be there
Pick up the pieces of your broken world, your soul
Your shattered lonely heart
I’ve been here from the start

What’ve we learned
In a cruel world
Where to we go when there’s nowhere to lean
Look what we’ve earned
For our mistakes
When no one is around for you to be heard
We crash and burn

You’re running running
As the walls cave in
You’re crashing crasing
Never giving in
Burning burning
Trying to find your way
Run away
Save your life today

What’ve you learned
In a cruel world
Where to you go when there’s nowhere to lean
Look what you’ve earned
For your mistakes
When no one is around for you to be heard
You crash and burn
I’ll pick up the pieces.

I hide away
I’m a closed book
I laugh when I know I shouldn’t
She moved away
That’s all it took
Tried to hold on but I just couldn’t

I’m fearless now
I’m stronger now
At least that’s what I tell her
She’ll never know how
She won’t know how
This all happened because of her

My life just unwound
My world tumbled down
Destruction all around
She’s nowhere to be found

Thought I was lost
I was confused
Thought freedom was loneliness
The paths we’ve crossed
The things we lose
It’s all just meaningless

Bitter no more
Worried no more
She can handle things herself
Half opened door
Memories on the floor
Memories of someone else

My life just unwound
My world tumbled down
Destruction all around
She’s nowhere to be found

Go ahead
I’m okay
Do what you have to
Knowing what I know
Losing you’s okay

Go ahead
Run away
Tired of chasing you
Catching up to shadows
And losing my way

My life just rewound
Rebuilding what you tore down
Destruction all around
I was lost now I’m found

The days drag on
Drag on
And the sun shines on
Shines on
It’s glow makes fun
Fun of me
Taunts me

Haunting me
You haunt me
I see you everywhere I go
Wanting to let go
Of four years ago

Where did we go wrong
When did we pick sides
No one let me know
We had begun some stupid fight
Stupid stupid me
Optimistic fool
Thinking I’d get through
To you

I should move on
Move on
We didn’t get along
Along
Confusing friends
With enemies
You and me

Are you happy
You haunt me
I see you everywhere I go
Wanting to let go
Of four years ago

Where did we go wrong
When did we pick sides
No one let me know
We had begun some stupid fight
Stupid stupid me
Optimistic fool
Thinking I’d get through
To you

I’ll never forget you
Though I should try to
Moving on, letting go
At least trying to
Be as strong
As you

Where did we go wrong
When did we pick sides
No one let me know
We had begun some stupid fight
Stupid stupid me
Optimistic fool
Thinking I’d get through
To you

I think the world's biggest geniuses, the worlds most brilliant minds, are often deranged, wacky, or slightly off. Ray Lamontagne is the most brilliant songwriter ever, and he looks like a serial killer. His writing is raw, uninhibited, honest, and gut wrenching. He seems reclusive, quiet, but that is the sign of brilliance isn't it. Who's that poet that locked herself in her room and wrote the most depressing collection of writing ever? I forget, but it seems like being wacky and reclusive is usually hand in hand with brilliance. he's been on tour this summer with a band called Guster (pop rock with fans like the ones DMB would have. You know, the drunk idiotic frat boys). So, Ray has been getting no respect during his set. Drunk frat boys talking the whole time. Lately he has been storming off stage, mid-song, before the end of his set. Sometimes throwing his guitar and muttering things. The worst was a couple nights ago when he said (I kid you not) to some guy who was just laughing in the crowd: "We have a fuck in the audience. You must think the blues are funny. I suppose you'd rather be at home drinking beers, waiting for your children to get old enough to rape." So yeah, check out his CD n the comfort of your living room, where the brilliant artist can't scare you.

Who am I to tell you
Where you should be heading
What am I to you
I thought I was more

I keep on roaming, I keep on treading
I keep on thinking worrying dreading
Doom is impending, we lose and keep moving
But I’m not ready to move on

Maybe it’ll stop burning
If I just ignore you
Maybe I should stop caring
About what he does to you
Maybe then I’ll start sleeping
Without dreaming of you
With me
Maybe then I’ll be happy

Where’d he take you to
How are you feeling
What can I do
How is he treating you

I keep on fearing I keep questioning
All the decisions that you’ve been making
What is that something your life is missing
I’ve missed you for so long

Maybe it’ll stop burning
If I just ignore you
Maybe I should stop caring
About what he does to you
Maybe then I’ll start sleeping
Without dreaming of you
With me
Maybe then I’ll be happy

I haven’t slept in days
Figuring out just what to say
To you

Maybe if I don’t let it burn
Maybe if I ignore you
Maybe if I stop caring
You’ll start missing me too

You’re still somewhere
I see pieces scattered everywhere I go
You’re everywhere
Taking over every thought I know

I know its forever
I’ll never see you again
But I can’t ever
Let the fact that you’re gone set in

I’ll keep you here
In my mind the memories are still happy
I’ll hold you near
I’ll keep the things you left here to remind me
That You
And Me
Are Broken

Do you remember
All the times we laughed until we cried
But now forever
The tears still comes the laughter subsides

Subsided, we’re shattered
I still don’t know why
Our memories scattered
My rooms a capsule of our precious time

I’ll keep you here
In my mind the memories are still happy
I’ll hold you near
I’ll keep the pain you left to remind me
That You
And Me
Are Broken

What the hell did I do wrong
And Why the hell didn’t I try
I see you everywhere I go
In my thoughts and dreams I am with you
I only wish that you could see me
Or maybe at least try to hear me
Crying out to you

I’ve kept you here
In my mind the memories are fading
I’ve held you near
I’ve finally had enough of waiting
You
And Me
Are Broken

And it took this long to finally set in.