The Perks of Being a Cuban.

Perdona nuestras ofensas,
como también nosotros perdonamos
No nos dejes en la tentación
Tentación
Tentación

In cello et in terra fiat voluntas tua
Gloria Spiritui Sancto

¿Que idioma hablas tú?
Si acaso puedas hablar
¿Eres un héroe?
Quien rescata a todos los demás

Ahora dime porque
Se fajan el perro y el gato
Y también si vas a la mezquita
O a la sinagoga

Y si nuestro destino esta a su merced
Y si el guión lo escribiste tu, donde esta el héroe

Como le va
Con el poder que tienes ya
Eres feliz
O sueles llorar
Te has equivocado
Como todos hemos
Si me perdonas
Yo te perdonare

Dime si eres capaz
De sentir dolor
De pasar con hambre
O si sientes siempre bien.

Mire como mueren la gente
O matan, por tu nombre
Eso te trae orgullo,
O te avergüenza?

Y si nuestro destino esta a su merced
Y si el guión lo escribiste tu, donde esta el héroe

Como le va
Con el poder que tienes ya
Eres feliz
O sueles llorar
Te has equivocado
Como todos hemos ya
Si me perdonas
Yo te perdonare

The roommate thinks we're friends. He speaks to me all the time, he jokes with me. He puts things in my garbage can. Not garbagey things, gross things. Things with ketchup. He put a bottle of ketchup in my fridge. I'm annoyed. Every time I ask him to clean, he puts it off, he ignores. IM GOING INSANE

There was a time
My words were few
All of my thoughts
Focused on the wrong thing

And so there was a burden
Weighed me down each day
So there was so much
I forced myself to say

I don’t think for my own good
I have learned from my mistakes
I could be a better man
If I found a way to let go

In the silence of my soul
The silence of my new home
I couldn’t turn it off
All that I’ve been thinking of
So now I think I’ve learned
From the bridges I have burned
It’s high time
I go back from where I came

Because there was a burden
Tortured me each day
There is still so much
No one’s ever heard me say

I don’t think for my own good
I have learned from my mistakes
I could be a better man
If I found a way to let go

Is every February this stagnant? I just feel ... stuck. I think I'm going to do a lot tomorrow. Apply places, other than Fordham. I need to know that there is an end to this place. It's not even bad anymore, it's just not where I want to be for the next however-many years.

I need a break. I don't even do that much work. I wrote a 10 page play in 2 days. It felt so awesome to worry about writing omething again. I like to feel useful and writing does that to me. I feel like the things I say may eventually be of use, either just to me or to maybe someone. It feels so good to get a good response to the past few things I've written. And now I have a larger audience. It's playwriting, so it's meant to be spoken aloud . So when the readers are reading them and can't get through it because they think it's so funny, I feel useful. I made the creepy girl who cuts herself hyperventilate. I assume she's not used to laughter, I felt accomplished. I think my playwriting is genuinely improving.

I do miss narration though. I miss my descriptions of rooms and skies and eyes. I really miss writing stories. I haven't been inspired, forced, or motivated. I have a story that I started, it's so choppy, but it started out well. I will finish it eventually.

I'm just so tired. I haven't slept enough today, and I'm starting to wind down. I'm sundowning. Last time i blogged before bed, it helped me. I'm awake but my body isn't. it's screaming to get into bed. And i still don't want to. But it's for the best. I think I'll sleep now.

I cannot sleep. I havent been able to for exactly one week. I have stayed up for long periods of time, then slept for short periods. 20 awake 4 asleep or so. This is bad. I have no idea why I cant sleep. For the first time at stockton everythings go well. I enjoy all of my classes, my teachers, i have lunch and dinner buddies and the occasional breakfast buddy. I'm making peace with the fact that I'm here for a lil while. And I feel okay about the rest of the year. I have no concern on my mind. Nothings bothering me psycologically. And yet, I cannot turn my brain off. I toss and turn and think. Thoughts range from day dreams to whats ahead tomorrow to annoying songs that remain stuck. Yet, I'm high strung. And i have absolutely no reason why. Maybe it's my roommate? Maybe its his fan, maybe its his mess. I've thought about the fan and the mess while tossing. I've looked over at him and scowled, his existence bothers haha. I need help, I think, about the sleep. I read that writing down the reasons why you may be sleepless helps. I wish I knew the reason

NO ITS NOT CLEAN CLEAN CLEAN! im going insane. im gonnaq kill him. im gonna throw all this shit away. gross piles of cheap clothing get in my way every day. i kick things, then wash my feet. there are empty sunny delight bottles everywhere in a room with THREE garbage cans. he has a pyramid of rootbeer cans. don't people form can pyramids when they drink actual beer? as a sign to impress others, and to show how much they drank. he has no friends, and as I am the only one who has seen this pyramid, i am not impressed. His books are arranged in a pile near his printer. they topple over once a week. He owns 1 long sleeve t shirt. it's white. its layered under ever short sleeve tee he owns. He has a garbage bag thats full, thats sitting by his bed. Im going to die

I'm not that smart. I act like I am. But I'm not. I'm not that nice. I look like I mighgt be when you meet me, but that doesn't last too long. I'm opinionated, yet introverted. I'm tragically optimistic, I dream big, think big, probably because I'm so short.
I'm stubborn. I make plenty of mistakes. I'm hard to live with, because I'm so particular. I'm impossible with roommates, the 2 I've had. I cannot envision myself living peacefully with anyone who isnt exactly like me. I am incapable of apology, and the few times I've actualy done it, I've regretted it. I get stung, but don't show it. I'm private, I don't show emotion tto other people. They think I'm dead insde, but I'm very much alive.
I'm sarcastic, which is not a good thing. I'm clever, which is a good thing to some. I'm secretly clingy. As much as i hate spending too much time with people, as much as I push people aside and make them feel unimportant, I miss them like crazy when they're gone, or if they ever decide to be. Friends I have, have had or have lost, still man the world to me. And I always wonder whether something went wrong, or whether we've grown apart with age.
I write not because I think I'm good. I write because it's my only release. It's my way of proving my worth, or proving that I do have feelings.

i miss blogging about nothing. lately i've just always blogged when i had a point to make. i read my old posts and they were meaningless, just things that amused or bothered. my day. here i go..

its mother boinking cold. like trapped in a penguin cold. im dying as much as i enjoy the cold. its so cold im getting skin blotches, which happens every year. i shiver when i'm outside. this is so bad. but at least my cold clothes are sexy. i hate the summer because of my scrawny arms. the winter covers them, i look nice in sweaters. im wearing my fav sweater right now. tomorrow im gonna waer my heavy brown hooded cardigan. its very itchy so i need long sleeves under it but it looks really nice and its comfy.

Acceptance is a tough thing to achieve when we do everything in our power to not. It's hard to accept that things change, people change, or that the world is somethimes beyond your control. Sometimes things happen that we just cannot fix. We are a part of a constant evolution, and we'd do whatever we can to stop.

My sister is engaged. I wish I were happy, I really do. For her sake I wish I could accept this. But i can't. I feel uneasy thiinking about a future with him in it. He's never rubbed me the right way and I have a bad feeling about all of this. She seems happy but I just can't. I want to, for her. I cant.

We try to force acceptance, we burry our true feelings way deep down. But do we ever let them go?

This has not been a particularly easy time for you and the ride isn't quite over yet. You may now feel a fresh wave of emotions washing over you, but the danger stems from holding on to the past instead of gracefully flowing into the future. Practice by envisioning a totally new and different scenario without worrying about its practicality. Don't judge your thoughts, however outrageous. Simply thinking about all the possible paths can provide the right opportunity.

I try to ignore horoscopes. They're fake and untrue. THey give false hope. We're all a little superstitious, however much we fight it. We have a quirk, a "thing" that brings comfort and assurance. We don't look for signs, but they happen. Today, while I was writing in my notebook, the AOL horoscope page opened. I didn't click it, nothing was clicked, it just opened. and i read todays and then yesterdays, which i pasted above. It was sort of spot on, which scared me. I've struggled recently with the conflict between past and present. I've tried toi come to terms with what's behind me, while attempting to welcome what's around me. It's something that in time will come to me, I'll stop dwelling. I've already stopped. I'm learning and growing and thinking too big which for now is okay. I'll get there.

Along the way, you lose touch. I've lost touch with several people I've cared about. But today, I met up with some of my best friends from grammar school. We lost touch and somehow everyone picked up where we left off. It was so weird to se eeveryone again, I was nervous that it wouldn't be the same. We are all so much more mature now. It's just so weird. Good weird. It was nice. I had an easier time with them than I ever have with "the others". The first friends you make are always your best. I hope this sticks.

I'm writing this though I should already be well on my way to meet with friends. They want to meet /hang out at Prep. When I read that and felt no excitement or need to go there, I felt relief. It's a relief to be moving forward, to find resolution in where I am and finally stop feeling like there's too much left behind. There's no need for me to ever go to Prep. It's not like SFA which shuts down if i visit, the entire school gets excited. At Prep, no one really gets too thrilled, it's a bigger place, I'm a smaller fish who doesn't fit there much anymore. I'm moving forward. So all this time I felt like I was stuck in the past, not moving while everyone else did, I realize that my friends still haven't moved on. I don't want to go today. It just doesn't feel right being there. That's not my school anymore.
SFA will always be my school. I was there for 8 years. There, I was nurtured and nourished. They fed our minds and souls like a mother does her own children. There are deep rooted connections in SFA that do not exist at Prep. I grew up at SFA, they saw me and continue to see me maturing. They've been there for every moment in my life good and bad. The connection there is different to that of Prep. I loved my high school, but SFA is my home.

I'm kind of stuck between wanting to go back to school and dreading it. Going back means the start of classes again. New teachers, assignments, things to preoccupy myself with. I think I'm okay with all of this. finally. It's something I've combatted for a long time, my hard head. I'm stubborn, I did not give my school a chance. I don't see myself there for any longer than this semester, but after leaving the horibble dorm I've felt better about my place in Stockton. That dorm and those people represented everything bad about that place, maybe about college in general. They were the aimless slackers who really had no motive for graduating. I've sincce met people with purpose, with stories and personalities. They are not lifelong friends, but for now they'll do. Things are getting better and for the next five months, they will stay that way

There's no pont in making resolutions when you live your life so arduously trying to not regret your mistakes. You convince yourself that your past was your destiny and that there's no point in changing yourself now. Any other mistakes will just make you more sure of who you are. So you make resolutions to better yourself, and eventually give up. You loe control of the plan you've set up, it's easier to keep giving into your bad habits. A resolution is a resolve of determination. We are selfishly determined to forget our goals for this year. Our outright refusal to grow and redesign ourselves become resolutions of their own.



I don’t want to embrace this resignation
Confused for loss of control
I don’t want to hold onto
That which must be let go

I don’t want to make this resolution
Forcing a change within me
I don’t want to force away
Something inside that’s always been

A part of who I was
Tortures me this day
I played the part of the coward
A part of me still pays for what I’ve done

Renounce who I was
Take away the power in my name
Resolve what I’ve done
Devalue my thoughts and things I’ve said
Resolution
Resolution
Worthless, I’ll break you in a month.


I don’t want to make this resolution
Because I’ve lost control
I don’t want to sell my soul
Just because I can’t let things go

A part of who I was
Tortures me this day
I played the part of the coward
A part of me still pays for what I’ve done

Renounce who I was
Take away the power in my name
Resolve what I’ve done
Devalue my thoughts and things I’ve said
Resolution
Resolution
Worthless, I’ll break you in a month.

Thoughtless, I’ll forget you in a month.

As we grow, we lose that innocence. Our intuition fails us and we make mistakes. WE make choices every day that shape who we are and will be. As we grow we lose sight of what we were, and the people that were once there. We push those people aside, they simply do not fit in with our new image. They represent the past, the innocence I guess. We are adults now, or we believe we are. Invincible. Infallible. Terribly flawed in denial. We exaggerate, we over react, we under react. We ignore consequence or thought process. Until hopefully it all clicks.
The people who were there for you may still be there, waiting. They may not be. We don't know, we pretend not to care. Adult's wouldn't care, we lie to ourselves. For what? For maturity. For acceptance. For independence. From what the past represents. We repress our pasts, so as to not regress, and loss all the hardheadedness and hardheartedness we have managed to gain on our search for adulthood. We're grown ups... We swear.
It's all very stupid. I've seen it too often. I've lost many whom I've cared for. Many who once cared for me. I've lost them to the idea of adulthood, to the word, to the feeling. They lose sight of who they are and try to do some growing. Why is it that as I grow, I keep looking back while also looking forward. Childhood and adolescence are so ephemeral and fugitive, I feel it's essential to hold onto those who've made these journeys with you. Rather than letting them go and make the journey with new less recognizable people. That journey becomes lonely and empty. Fill that journey towards knowledge and adulthood with your past and your present, the future will transition itself easier that way. That's just how I feel.

I believe that I may be at fault
I believe that I’m the one to blame
Putting myself down at times
At fault for all your pain
I can’t just let it go

I believe that I’m too hard on myself
Beating myself up for what you’ve lost
Looking inside of myself
To see it all go wrong

It’s easier to blame me
And to hate myself at times
It’s easier to be guilty
And that way I won’t hate who you’ve become

I’m to blame, can’t you see
It’s easy do you see
To blame me, and save you
Mistakes are in the past
Long forgotten…

I believed that I could save the world
I believed I was a helpful ear
Gave myself too much credit
Can’t even save myself
My intuition fails me
I can’t save you from yourself
I can’t imagine how you’re doing
And you’re too far gone to be found

And
I’m to blame, can’t you see
It’s better this way
To blame me, and find you
It will never be the same
Long forgotten…

Automatically
I just think of you
Since the day you left
That’s all I can do

Waiting without knowing kills me, I hope you realize
And impatiently I wait to look at your eyes
And every single day I cry deep inside of me
There’s no way to live without you here with me

Though I seem invincible
It’s fatal and essential
That you return
Return to me
Return, Oh
This pain is suffocating
Now I sit here still expecting
For you to you return
You to return
Return
Why do you torture me so?

Inevitably
I am without peace
What’s become of me
Since our final kiss

You say I have no reason to react this way
That you’ve made your choice
And to be out of your way
But I’m not ready to break the ties that bind you to me
Be considerate; I’m suffering can’t you see

Though I seem invincible
It’s fatal and essential
That you return
Return to me
Return, Oh
This pain is suffocating
Now I sit here still expecting
For you to you return
You to return
Return
Why do you torture me so?

Translated from Bebe's "Tu Silencio"

Like jumping off a cliff without a rope
You fall you fall you fall, you fall
Like accidentally getting too close
You shut your eyes to avoid

That the air’s like glass
Ready to crack
And though it’s strange I want you to be mine
That the air’s like glass
Ready to crack
And though it’s strange I want you to be mine

Like a wave that surrenders to a rock
You are crushed and silenced by your words and thoughts

And now I’m not here
And now you’re not here
Our silence is the most eloquent lie.
And now I’m not here
And now you’re not here
Our silence is the most eloquent lie.

My silence lives within yours
And within me lives
A distant piece of you
My silence lives within yours
And within my eyes lives
A fading piece of you
And now that you’re here
And now that I’m here
Hold me so that I may think of you again
And now that you’re here
And now that I’m here
Hold me so that I may think of you again

The air’s like glass
Ready to crack
Though my lips don’t speak
I want you back

Why do I try so hard. I mess up so hard and can't pick up the pieces. it's so frustrating. and i end up losing.


Why try
To be heard
Whisper softly
Go unheard
And try again and again
Endlessly

Keep on
Going unheard
Whisper softly
Apologizing
Trying harder
Uselessly

So I whisper and I scream
Going crazy and it seems
That I am wasting my breath
Tearing at the seams
From a whisper to a scream

Waiting
To be heard
Screaming loudly
Impatiently
Wasting time after time
Till the end

So I whisper and I scream
Going crazy and it seems
That I am wasting my breath
Tearing at the seams
From a whisper to a scream

In this time of reflection on the past year, my family always forces us to say aloud what we're thankful for. It's always the same every year, a family, friends, bonds, togetherness. But we never really think about that until we hold hands in a circle. All throughout the year we are burdened by bills and dates and deadlines and dilemmas. We are under pressure, so much that we refuse to stop and give thanks for what we cannot control. So are we ever truly thankful aside from this one day every year? I think so. The thanks is implied in the kind words we do have time to share. I'm thankful for the bonds I've managed to keep in tact with friends, though far away. Though we have so much going on in our lives , so many changes, so may memories still unknown, we mange to keep in touch. I hope to never wonder how a best friend may be doing. I always want to know how they are. I'm thankful for awareness. Every night I pray to be kept aware that I am blessed despite things that may cause me to feel otherwise. I'm thankful that I have such a strong support system, parents, siblings, cousins, old teachers, friends. People who believe I can do anything when I am in complete doubt of myself and my worth. I'm thankful for so many things I would never know I was had I not written this down. We forget, we take for granted, we ignore our feelings and ourselves until we are forced. I guess subconsciously we all procrastinate, even for good things.