The Perks of Being a Cuban.

this is FICTION. As it is spring. Most of what i write is. I get inspired by titles or words.


This winter’s been so bleak
The sky’s been full of dust
The clouds as black as gravel
The air as cold as ice

This winter’s been so cold
I haven’t seen the sun
Everything’s so stagnant
The earth is brown and dry

This is My December
Nothing here gets better
Thinking up my resolution
Counting down to a solution
This is My December

I’ve been so many places
It all just stays the same
I’ve seen so much destruction
We’re all stranded alone

I’ve promised to myself
To forget who you are
I feel you in the night’s chill
I shiver at your thought

This is My December
Nothing here gets better
Thinking up my resolution
Counting down to a solution
This is My December

Waiting for a new day
5 4 3 2 1
January, relieve me
Absolve me from my sins

This is My December
When nothing gets better
January, absolution
Relieve all of my confusion
Release you from my thoughts
After My December

LITERALLY EVERYTHING HAS GONE RIGHT TODAY!!!!! Things have been so perfect today, and I've been in SUCH a good mood! YAY !

You took for granted all you own
You lie in your bed all alone
Destroyed the past and all you knew
Forgot everyone and all you do is

Sit around
Unmaking all that you’ve built up
Lie around
Avoiding all that you’ve messed up
Settle down
All that you’ve lived for
All that you’ve died for
Is out of your hands

The life that you have no one has
Judas
Your luck runs out, it never lasts
Judas
All that I’ve lost
All that you’ve gained
Forgive you
You know not what you do.

You made me believe every word
You made doubting you so absurd
Destroyed who I was, trusting you
I’m left reborn and all you do is

Come around
Unsettling the world around you
Turn around
Betraying all who trusted you
Settle down
All that you’ve lived for
All that you’ve died for
Is out of your hands

The life that you have no one has
Judas
Your luck runs out, it never lasts
Judas
All that I’ve lost
All that you’ve gained
Forgive you
You know not what you do.

You wrap me around your finger
You betray everyone you’re with
You speak in riddles to bewilder
You turn on everyone you’re with
You betray everyone you’re with

The life that you have no one has
Judas
Your luck runs out, it never lasts
Judas
All that I’ve lost
All that you’ve gained
Forgive you
You know not what you do.

On this perfect day
Nothing can go wrong
Nothing ever harms me
I just move along

On this perfect day
Nothing brings me down
Nothing keeps me thinking
I just move around

Without you
I just move along
Without you

And you’re not here
And it’s okay for now
I’ll get through it somehow
While you’re not here
And it’s okay for now
I’ll keep saying it’s a perfect day
A perfect day

On this perfect day
I see your smile in places
A million peoples faces
All look like one

On this perfect day
The clouds take on your features
The universe, your laughter
I’m staring at the sun

Without you
I’m staring at the sun
Without you

And you’re not here
And it’s okay for now
I’ll get through it somehow
While you’re not here
And it’s okay for now
I’ll keep saying it’s a perfect day
A perfect day

On this perfect day…

How can anyone harbor so much hate? How can humanity power on while being infested, poisoned, consumed by an irrational fear towards one another? How do people still think this way? In the year 2007 it is unreasonable to imagine that people still carry hate within them, and still act out because of this hate in such a cruel, sadistic way.
I have so many questions. So many things I just don't understand about my universe, my people. So much I'm trying to grasp, wrap my brain around and I just can't. Daniellynn was on the front cover of the news paper. The nauseating tragedy at VA Tech had 1/3 of that page. Priorities.
I don't understand my world. I don't understnd how people think. How can a human harm another human? How can inflicting pain make it okay? How are things fixed? Nothing is fixed. The world is broken. The world is in complete disorder. Infernal disorder.
Don Imus. Had he waited a week, he'd still be on the air. However, the fact that he has no filter, no concept of human dignity, right and wrong, bothers me. The fact that he thinks in such an archaic, uneducated way is frightening. I never listened to his show, now i don't have to.
I don't do politics. I'm trying. I don't do news or current events. I'm trying. I've realized that the news gets me angry. The news scares me, it forces me to question. I'm becoming concerned. Concern is important, it means your eyes are opened.
I'm just so confused by this world, by the people in it. By the thoughts they have, and the things they do. By war. By fire. By death. By hate. I'm confused by so much. Why why why

¿A que tierra pertenezco?
¿Al acero o al mar?
¿Al concreto o la arena?
¿Ni sé en que idioma hablar

Vivo en la orilla
Del ingles y el español
Camino sobre el borde
De mi hogar y de mi amor

Como puede ser
Que amo a esa tierra
Ese lugar en que me imagino
Que no existe ya
Como puede ser
Que me siento en esa tierra
Profundamente pertenece
Cuba dentro de mí

I wish I knew you
That I could see you
Know what you’re thinking
And going through

What they’ve been saying
What you’ve been living
The world you’ve been facing
All alone

Living your life on second chances
Getting by on the luck of the draw
Life is not the way you’ve planned it
And you’re ready to move along

The last word that you say to me
Won’t be goodbye
Cause there’s so much left
To explain
The last time that you look at me
Straight in the eye
Look at me with respect
And honesty

I want to believe you
I want to trust you
And know that these mistakes
Are for the best

I want to be sure of
All I’m not sure of
There’s so much more I
Can’t understand

Living your life on second chances
Getting by on the luck of the draw
Life is not the way you’ve planned it
And you’re ready to move along

The last word that you say to me
Won’t be goodbye
Cause there’s so much left
To explain
The last time that you look at me
Straight in the eye
Look at me with respect
And honesty

Open up your media player. Load up all your MP3s. Set it to random. List the first 20 songs that play. No cheating. Bold the one you find the most embarassing (if there is one). Italicize your favourite. Underline your least favourite. Post your list in your journal so others can mock and scorn and laugh.

1 i see your smile gloria estefan
2 the moon kendall payne
3 hips don't lie shakira
4 christmas through your eyes gloria estefan
5 respect Pink
6 la paga juanes
7 let me leave marc broussard
8 die motherfucker die get set go
9 Go hanson
10 night train amos lee
11 everyones a little bit racist ave q
12 last request paolo nutini
13 i remember damien rice
14 great divide hanson
15 love revival REBA
16 el metro cafe tacuba
17 drink the water jack johnson
18 come on come on jet
19 idilio fonseca
20 zero percent jason mraz

Perdona nuestras ofensas,
como también nosotros perdonamos
No nos dejes en la tentación
Tentación
Tentación

In cello et in terra fiat voluntas tua
Gloria Spiritui Sancto

¿Que idioma hablas tú?
Si acaso puedas hablar
¿Eres un héroe?
Quien rescata a todos los demás

Ahora dime porque
Se fajan el perro y el gato
Y también si vas a la mezquita
O a la sinagoga

Y si nuestro destino esta a su merced
Y si el guión lo escribiste tu, donde esta el héroe

Como le va
Con el poder que tienes ya
Eres feliz
O sueles llorar
Te has equivocado
Como todos hemos
Si me perdonas
Yo te perdonare

Dime si eres capaz
De sentir dolor
De pasar con hambre
O si sientes siempre bien.

Mire como mueren la gente
O matan, por tu nombre
Eso te trae orgullo,
O te avergüenza?

Y si nuestro destino esta a su merced
Y si el guión lo escribiste tu, donde esta el héroe

Como le va
Con el poder que tienes ya
Eres feliz
O sueles llorar
Te has equivocado
Como todos hemos ya
Si me perdonas
Yo te perdonare

The roommate thinks we're friends. He speaks to me all the time, he jokes with me. He puts things in my garbage can. Not garbagey things, gross things. Things with ketchup. He put a bottle of ketchup in my fridge. I'm annoyed. Every time I ask him to clean, he puts it off, he ignores. IM GOING INSANE

There was a time
My words were few
All of my thoughts
Focused on the wrong thing

And so there was a burden
Weighed me down each day
So there was so much
I forced myself to say

I don’t think for my own good
I have learned from my mistakes
I could be a better man
If I found a way to let go

In the silence of my soul
The silence of my new home
I couldn’t turn it off
All that I’ve been thinking of
So now I think I’ve learned
From the bridges I have burned
It’s high time
I go back from where I came

Because there was a burden
Tortured me each day
There is still so much
No one’s ever heard me say

I don’t think for my own good
I have learned from my mistakes
I could be a better man
If I found a way to let go

Is every February this stagnant? I just feel ... stuck. I think I'm going to do a lot tomorrow. Apply places, other than Fordham. I need to know that there is an end to this place. It's not even bad anymore, it's just not where I want to be for the next however-many years.

I need a break. I don't even do that much work. I wrote a 10 page play in 2 days. It felt so awesome to worry about writing omething again. I like to feel useful and writing does that to me. I feel like the things I say may eventually be of use, either just to me or to maybe someone. It feels so good to get a good response to the past few things I've written. And now I have a larger audience. It's playwriting, so it's meant to be spoken aloud . So when the readers are reading them and can't get through it because they think it's so funny, I feel useful. I made the creepy girl who cuts herself hyperventilate. I assume she's not used to laughter, I felt accomplished. I think my playwriting is genuinely improving.

I do miss narration though. I miss my descriptions of rooms and skies and eyes. I really miss writing stories. I haven't been inspired, forced, or motivated. I have a story that I started, it's so choppy, but it started out well. I will finish it eventually.

I'm just so tired. I haven't slept enough today, and I'm starting to wind down. I'm sundowning. Last time i blogged before bed, it helped me. I'm awake but my body isn't. it's screaming to get into bed. And i still don't want to. But it's for the best. I think I'll sleep now.

I cannot sleep. I havent been able to for exactly one week. I have stayed up for long periods of time, then slept for short periods. 20 awake 4 asleep or so. This is bad. I have no idea why I cant sleep. For the first time at stockton everythings go well. I enjoy all of my classes, my teachers, i have lunch and dinner buddies and the occasional breakfast buddy. I'm making peace with the fact that I'm here for a lil while. And I feel okay about the rest of the year. I have no concern on my mind. Nothings bothering me psycologically. And yet, I cannot turn my brain off. I toss and turn and think. Thoughts range from day dreams to whats ahead tomorrow to annoying songs that remain stuck. Yet, I'm high strung. And i have absolutely no reason why. Maybe it's my roommate? Maybe its his fan, maybe its his mess. I've thought about the fan and the mess while tossing. I've looked over at him and scowled, his existence bothers haha. I need help, I think, about the sleep. I read that writing down the reasons why you may be sleepless helps. I wish I knew the reason

NO ITS NOT CLEAN CLEAN CLEAN! im going insane. im gonnaq kill him. im gonna throw all this shit away. gross piles of cheap clothing get in my way every day. i kick things, then wash my feet. there are empty sunny delight bottles everywhere in a room with THREE garbage cans. he has a pyramid of rootbeer cans. don't people form can pyramids when they drink actual beer? as a sign to impress others, and to show how much they drank. he has no friends, and as I am the only one who has seen this pyramid, i am not impressed. His books are arranged in a pile near his printer. they topple over once a week. He owns 1 long sleeve t shirt. it's white. its layered under ever short sleeve tee he owns. He has a garbage bag thats full, thats sitting by his bed. Im going to die

I'm not that smart. I act like I am. But I'm not. I'm not that nice. I look like I mighgt be when you meet me, but that doesn't last too long. I'm opinionated, yet introverted. I'm tragically optimistic, I dream big, think big, probably because I'm so short.
I'm stubborn. I make plenty of mistakes. I'm hard to live with, because I'm so particular. I'm impossible with roommates, the 2 I've had. I cannot envision myself living peacefully with anyone who isnt exactly like me. I am incapable of apology, and the few times I've actualy done it, I've regretted it. I get stung, but don't show it. I'm private, I don't show emotion tto other people. They think I'm dead insde, but I'm very much alive.
I'm sarcastic, which is not a good thing. I'm clever, which is a good thing to some. I'm secretly clingy. As much as i hate spending too much time with people, as much as I push people aside and make them feel unimportant, I miss them like crazy when they're gone, or if they ever decide to be. Friends I have, have had or have lost, still man the world to me. And I always wonder whether something went wrong, or whether we've grown apart with age.
I write not because I think I'm good. I write because it's my only release. It's my way of proving my worth, or proving that I do have feelings.

i miss blogging about nothing. lately i've just always blogged when i had a point to make. i read my old posts and they were meaningless, just things that amused or bothered. my day. here i go..

its mother boinking cold. like trapped in a penguin cold. im dying as much as i enjoy the cold. its so cold im getting skin blotches, which happens every year. i shiver when i'm outside. this is so bad. but at least my cold clothes are sexy. i hate the summer because of my scrawny arms. the winter covers them, i look nice in sweaters. im wearing my fav sweater right now. tomorrow im gonna waer my heavy brown hooded cardigan. its very itchy so i need long sleeves under it but it looks really nice and its comfy.

Acceptance is a tough thing to achieve when we do everything in our power to not. It's hard to accept that things change, people change, or that the world is somethimes beyond your control. Sometimes things happen that we just cannot fix. We are a part of a constant evolution, and we'd do whatever we can to stop.

My sister is engaged. I wish I were happy, I really do. For her sake I wish I could accept this. But i can't. I feel uneasy thiinking about a future with him in it. He's never rubbed me the right way and I have a bad feeling about all of this. She seems happy but I just can't. I want to, for her. I cant.

We try to force acceptance, we burry our true feelings way deep down. But do we ever let them go?

This has not been a particularly easy time for you and the ride isn't quite over yet. You may now feel a fresh wave of emotions washing over you, but the danger stems from holding on to the past instead of gracefully flowing into the future. Practice by envisioning a totally new and different scenario without worrying about its practicality. Don't judge your thoughts, however outrageous. Simply thinking about all the possible paths can provide the right opportunity.

I try to ignore horoscopes. They're fake and untrue. THey give false hope. We're all a little superstitious, however much we fight it. We have a quirk, a "thing" that brings comfort and assurance. We don't look for signs, but they happen. Today, while I was writing in my notebook, the AOL horoscope page opened. I didn't click it, nothing was clicked, it just opened. and i read todays and then yesterdays, which i pasted above. It was sort of spot on, which scared me. I've struggled recently with the conflict between past and present. I've tried toi come to terms with what's behind me, while attempting to welcome what's around me. It's something that in time will come to me, I'll stop dwelling. I've already stopped. I'm learning and growing and thinking too big which for now is okay. I'll get there.

Along the way, you lose touch. I've lost touch with several people I've cared about. But today, I met up with some of my best friends from grammar school. We lost touch and somehow everyone picked up where we left off. It was so weird to se eeveryone again, I was nervous that it wouldn't be the same. We are all so much more mature now. It's just so weird. Good weird. It was nice. I had an easier time with them than I ever have with "the others". The first friends you make are always your best. I hope this sticks.

I'm writing this though I should already be well on my way to meet with friends. They want to meet /hang out at Prep. When I read that and felt no excitement or need to go there, I felt relief. It's a relief to be moving forward, to find resolution in where I am and finally stop feeling like there's too much left behind. There's no need for me to ever go to Prep. It's not like SFA which shuts down if i visit, the entire school gets excited. At Prep, no one really gets too thrilled, it's a bigger place, I'm a smaller fish who doesn't fit there much anymore. I'm moving forward. So all this time I felt like I was stuck in the past, not moving while everyone else did, I realize that my friends still haven't moved on. I don't want to go today. It just doesn't feel right being there. That's not my school anymore.
SFA will always be my school. I was there for 8 years. There, I was nurtured and nourished. They fed our minds and souls like a mother does her own children. There are deep rooted connections in SFA that do not exist at Prep. I grew up at SFA, they saw me and continue to see me maturing. They've been there for every moment in my life good and bad. The connection there is different to that of Prep. I loved my high school, but SFA is my home.