The Perks of Being a Cuban.

It'a ridiculously hot. After a fantastic tuesday, I've settled back into the mundanity of summer. Sure, it's relaxiing, but I feel like such a slacker. I tried to get a job, I really did, but no one called me back. For some reason I am unable to picture myself behind a cash register, I feel like I'd be the really annoyed cashier with his eyes rolled to thwee back of his head. I don't want to hate my job! But it's not even July and I'm already itching for some learnin'.

I looked back on my blog 2 summers ago, and i wrote about all the books I wanted to read. On the Road, Confederacy of Dunces, neither ever opened. Actually I tried On the Road, gave it away. I miss reading, I haven't doe it in so long, but I fall asleep whenever i try, unless I'm moving. I can read forever if i'm in a car, but put me in a sttionary chair, or bed and i'm gone. Maybe if i just roll around on my chaiir i'll get some reading done. It does have wheels after all. I have so many great things I'd love to read, and no motivation to do so. Summer is killing my motivation, I used to be so peppy.

I also miss winter. I look much better in winter, no sweat, nice clothes, it's a great season. and it's COLD. I can never stress completely how much i loathe the heat. This blog has no point aside for the fact that I want to begin blogging like before, writing nonsense for no reason justto get stuff out. Nothing particularly bad or good, but still stuff nonetheless.

It’s under control
You say you don’t need help
You say you’re too grown to be thought about

It’s in your hands
In your slippery hands
You say no need to catch what’s already fallen

Down, you go
Down, you fall
Down, slowly you
Drown…

Won’t you come up for air
Save some for later
Take a deep breath
And give up the fight
Come up for air
Things will be better
I swear

It’s not an issue
So I won’t make it one
You say you’re just having your last bit of fun

It’s something to do
Just to pass idle time
But no one can take away what’s already gone

Down, you go
Down, so far
Down, slowly you
Drown…

Won’t you come up for air
Save some for later
Take a deep breath
And give up the fight
Come up for air
Things will be better
I swear

You choke on your words
You fall all alone
You think you’re too old for I told you so

It hurts me so much
To see you this way
So much in love with something that won’t love you back

Won’t you come up for air
Save some for later
Take a deep breath
And give up the fight
Come up for air
Things will be better
I swear

I’ll try and put the past where it belongs
Far from my memory
Pretend you never happened to me
Pretend I never knew you

I’ll try and scratch you out of my mind
Erase you inside and out
Ignore your present existence
Ignore my past with you

Force myself to erase you completely
Control myself enough to do this
Every time I have time to think
I find myself with thoughts of you

Your hands your feet your eyes and lips
Blur into shapeless gray oblivion
Your shape your laugh your smile your body
Blur into nothing sent away for good
For good
For the best

If we ever cross the same path
And I find you near me
You’ll strike up talk of how’ve you been’s
I’ll ask you what your name is

If we ever have to meet again
If you ever come and find me
Pleasantries will spill from inside you
I’d see right through your emptiness

Force myself to erase you completely
Control myself enough to do this
Every time I have time to think
I find myself with thoughts of you

Your hands your feet your eyes and lips
Blur into shapeless gray oblivion
Your shape your laugh your smile your body
Blur into nothing sent away for good
For good
For the best

So, I love Gloria Estefan. Her new single is tortally inspiring. "No Llores" is all about not being caught up in life's drama and celebrating the good things that surround you. And when I do stop to think, I do realize how greatly the good outweighs the bad. Because what I consider "bad" really isn't bad, just frustrating.
There really isn't anything bad going on. I'm very happy, I had a good year, in a not so good place, but I made it work and in the end came out winning. I took control of the situation and finished academically with my best grades so far, ever!
That post from the otherday wasn't gloomy, or sad. I'm just concerned with being in limbo. But thoughts about this state of in between are rare, only when I remember. And I rarely do. I justhate being unsure. I want to know WHAT SCHOOL Im going to. and if the ONE school wuld just respond, I'd be fine. JUST respond. Other than that, summer's awesome, relaxing, I'm cooking fantastic things and broadening my prowess. I'm really proud of the progress I've made in all of my creative outlets, drawing cooking (if done right it's creative) graphics and writing. I've begun stories, and have had ideas for stories. I just need to finish or start. I miss storytelling. And i'd love to start up again.
Things are good, even if they don't always seem to be. For the most part, everything's looking up, and I'm learning a lot this summer, and I learned a lot about myself throughout this year. I feel like I've grown and understood more about why we must go through certain things. The journey is what matters, and the destinnation. If I hadn't gone to Stockton, I probably wouldnt have given eirther of these 2 schools a thought. In journey we take, good, bad, whatever, there's a learning curve. It's up to you to go with it and understand that through each dark path, there is eventual light.
SUELTA LOS TEMORES!

This has been a very frustrating time for me. For a while I've internalized my fears and worries, I haven't even writtwen about them. But, now there's no point in keeping them in as my future no longer is in my own hands. I've done all I can on my end, nnow it's up to the powers that be.
I hate appllying to schools. I hate the entire ordeal, the tedious forms, the teacher recs, transcript request forms etc. Most of all I hate waiting. I hate this part of not being sure. I hate not knowing where I want to be. I should have only applied to one good school. Then the decision would have been simpler.
Everyone wants to make my decision for me. How can they be so sure as to what's best for me when I'm absolutely not sure at all? I second guess myself so often. All last year I joked abouut "being in college and still not knowing what college I want to go to." It was a gentle way to come tot erms with how flighty I am. I am so unsure of every step I make. I can't even explain it. I can't make a deciaion without thinkig it could end up being the worst choice of my life. I think too far ahead and wonder how I'll end up in 5 years if i do this, or that, or or or....
I don't know why I am writing this blog. It's not really clear, it doesn't make too much sense, and doesn't erally come to any conclusion. I won't be changed by the end of this, there wont be any epiphany, no realization or resollution. I'm not that easy. I just want to be SURE of where I should go. I don't want to be confused anymore. And absolutely everything about this process, about this year, this new period of limbo I have put myserlf into, is remarkable FRUSTRATINGLY confusing. There's so much I don't know. It's like standing at the edge of a cliff, being poked with a stick. You have to jump, but to your left is a pile of jagged rocks, to your right a group of hungry crocodiles. You have to jump, but in which direction?