This has been a very frustrating time for me. For a while I've internalized my fears and worries, I haven't even writtwen about them. But, now there's no point in keeping them in as my future no longer is in my own hands. I've done all I can on my end, nnow it's up to the powers that be.
I hate appllying to schools. I hate the entire ordeal, the tedious forms, the teacher recs, transcript request forms etc. Most of all I hate waiting. I hate this part of not being sure. I hate not knowing where I want to be. I should have only applied to one good school. Then the decision would have been simpler.
Everyone wants to make my decision for me. How can they be so sure as to what's best for me when I'm absolutely not sure at all? I second guess myself so often. All last year I joked abouut "being in college and still not knowing what college I want to go to." It was a gentle way to come tot erms with how flighty I am. I am so unsure of every step I make. I can't even explain it. I can't make a deciaion without thinkig it could end up being the worst choice of my life. I think too far ahead and wonder how I'll end up in 5 years if i do this, or that, or or or....
I don't know why I am writing this blog. It's not really clear, it doesn't make too much sense, and doesn't erally come to any conclusion. I won't be changed by the end of this, there wont be any epiphany, no realization or resollution. I'm not that easy. I just want to be SURE of where I should go. I don't want to be confused anymore. And absolutely everything about this process, about this year, this new period of limbo I have put myserlf into, is remarkable FRUSTRATINGLY confusing. There's so much I don't know. It's like standing at the edge of a cliff, being poked with a stick. You have to jump, but to your left is a pile of jagged rocks, to your right a group of hungry crocodiles. You have to jump, but in which direction?
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You know, your conclusion was a really sad one, because it seems like you don't believe any good would come out of any situation. I choose not to follow that. You have to have confidence in yourself that things will work out..that YOU will make your circumstances work.
The only thing I fear is "letting go to the powers that be," as you said. If I cannot control the course my life takes, then I should not be living it at all. Circumstances are largely written by us and our attitudes. Things are not static, they're not forever. We are in a state of uncertainty now, but we will emerge from it happier and stronger. I truly believe this...just ride out the wave, unstil you reach the shore.
Heads up, babe! I believe in you.