For the most part, today's been fine. But with the combination of the rain and general frustration, a wave of bad energy just washed over me and now I feel vwery blahhh. Listening to my parents fight, having dinner be disgusting, being generally annoyed, being asked my password for collegeboard, it keeps piling. The password thing-- There's nothing on my college board that's private, really. The problem however is that my parents needed my password. It's a privacy thing, nothing in this house is private. They know the passwords to everything and it frustrates me. My door can't be closed, they ask why when it is.
I've realized tonight how different this year will be, and years to come. The great school that I can't completely experience because I'm at home. Checking in, being home on time, not being able to do school-ey things. It's an adjustment that just now is setting in.
I remember being called at 4 AM in Stockton one night. I was awae, as was this person. "I can't sleep" he said "m eeither"-- me. "Wanna hang out" "Sure let's go to the laundry room." That can't happen now. It's just really really different, and sort of not the best.....
At this time, everyopne's going back to school. People are pcking, people are buying new things, getting ready for the new year. I remember last year what a scary and exciting time it was, I can only imagie what it's like to go back to campus fully aware of what the school brings you, totally confident and just as excited as the year before. I completely do NOT regret my choice to leave Stockton, it wasn't a great school. But after dorming for a year, and experiencing the freedom that brings, this is going to be hard.
I tried to explain it to dad "then I guess you should have stayed at Stockton"... this is what I live with. I really hate whining, my problem today is not interesting. But writing it out gets it out of me , I think. And for the past few hours this feeling of loss has been dragging me around. I've lost the ability to act my age, and do the things I'm supposed to not supposed to be able to do.
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I have two, no, three thoughts.
1. I really see the difference between the States and Canada. Here it's probably about a 70/30 split with people who move out to go to school. Most people live at home, save the money and move out after they're done. I think those who don't move out just learn to cope with being at home, and still manage to experience college/university fully. It sounds as though most people dorm/move away for school, and most of your university experience lies there.
2. The negative implications of having such a close knit family come clear when you're at the age when you want to find your own identity and individuality. Hopefully you'll be able to communicate this to your parents, and have them allow you to explore and be the crazy old university student you want to be. NY should be a great place to grow up/party and be spontaneous..I hope you manage to take advantage of it.
3. I can't remember my third thought, but I think this is a good substitute: move to Canada. :)