The Perks of Being a Cuban.

I have to spend New Years Eve with about 20 strangers. My uncle's wife's family-- I say it that way because they're Puerto Rican and I'm not neither is my uncle. She's my godmother I'll call her that now that the bloodline has been established. Her family from Puerto Rico are coming to America for the new year. So I have to spend New Year's Eve with them. A bad night but up until a few hours ago I had no other option. My other uncle calls-- my moms brother-- and asks to spend New Year's with us like we used to when my cousin and I were growing up. I think last time we did that AJ wasn't even a year old. We had grown apart since then. Not really, but sort of. There wasnt much talking anymore, they moved a little further out into NY. (They were 30 minutes away versus an hour now). But they still spoke to my mom we would go over for AJs birthday and Brandi's birthday and other family stuff but not like we used to. There was a time when we were there every weekend. Once they got the new house for a while they never wanted to leave i because they loved it there so much. It's a beautiful quiet house. So he calls and asks to spnd New Year's Eve at our house. 1) I wouldn't have to get dressed and sit around with 20 people who won't talk to me because I'm 17. 2) I love my family and I love that theyre making an effort to start again. I have so much fun when I'm with them. It's such a shame that I'm stuck in San Juan when I could be at home with familiar people who actually know and care about me. My parents are pissed off too. Shitty way to start a year I've been awaiting since the 8th grade.

I marvel at my inability to accept that I make mistakes. I mess up a lot but will never ever admit to doing so. I'm too hardheaded. I fear that as I grow so will by stubbornness and it will fester into a complete shunning of all people who cannot agree with me. I don't want to surround myself with yesers but I also cannot deal with people who don't listen to me when I talk. Though some may think I am quiet, they would beshocked at the number of words I have in my brain just clamoring to spill out of my mouth. I have an opinion oneverything and it bothers when people have opinions drastically different from my own. Bothers me even more when someone just like me tries to argue his or her own opinion and does not do it well enough.

I am still fearful about my future. I need to grow and mature and accept that people will not mold themselves based onhow I would like them to be. Not everyone can be like me, eventhough I understand that I am not that great and do see many of my huge flaws. It's the flaws I see in others that I do not have that I try to make them get rid of. I need to realize that every individual my age is still slowly growing into themselves and hesitantly figuring out who they will be for the rest of their lives. I fear, also, that I am already so set in my ways that I will never allow myself to evolve as my peers are doing. I need to examine my own psychebefore i examine other peoples'-- an examination that is usually unwanted and very unnecessary.

This post is more about La Tortura than reggaeton, but the following holds true for it too... in a sense. I'll be the first to admit that I hate reggaeton and hate that it's American's only taste of Latin muysic and it is what they think we listen to exclusively. While that is not the case I'm enjoying America's tolerance towards a new genre of music so drastically different from what Top 40 has played for decades. Shakira said it best in her acceptance speech at the Billboard awards. People are putting race and language aside and focusing on the fact that MUSIC is MUSIC no matter than language it is sung in. That really means a lot to me as that tolerance for music can only grow and grow. Hopefully one day songs in spanish will be as popular and equally requested/ wanted as songs in english. A spanglish station!!! It meant a lot to me that a bunch of gringos embraced La Tortura. Even more that many of them tried to learn the words just by sounds! Some looked for translations! It gets me excited that at step one they enjoyed the music, and step 2 they wanted to enjoy the song as a whole. I love that.

I'm not sure why I'm postingright now. Perhaps because there's nothing better to do on a quiet free period that nobody has. I'm thinking about what Ms Garcia said today about Cuba and about the school of the Americas. The school, while it does do military training is not fully responsible for the corruptness of many of its alumni. Evil and mallice is part of your configuration at birth. It is there and fostered by the parents. Fidel Castro, who is the worst and most unethical and evil human being in the universe, actually went to a JESUIT high school. I go to a Jesuit high school and Jesuit teaching is completely about bettering the problems with humanity. The Jesuits are a good people and they were not blamed for Fidel's evil ways. He was born that way and if anyone to blame it is his parents. A school is a school. Evil is simply human nature.

Short answer- no. I am not. Should I be? Am I too much of a pushover? Do people take advantaee of my kindness? Do I allow myself to be stifled too often? These are all questions I haven't answered yet. Questions that I do not think i CAN answer. But a very wise person told me I should be meaner. Does meanness go hand in hand with respect? I need to figure out what I want to do with myself. I don't want to be mean, I'm too cute to be mean :). But I do not want to be nice either. So from now on, I'm going to be mean to those who deserve it.

That's the first thing Ms Garcia taught me. Do not be anyone other than who you want people to say that you are. Be yourself completely. How do people see me? If they could use one word to describe me, some would say funny, others would say sarcastic, but others would say that I am quiet. It's all about how we act and react in situations and settings. In the cafeteria I am goofy, loud and funny. It's a loyud room so to be funny in there you have to be over the top. In the Pub Room, I am sarcastic, facial expressions alone can get me a laugh in there. In the foyer, with Dan in the mornings, I'm mean, snarky, awesome! Also in the Foyer however I'm polte and say good morning to teachers who pass who I may not like very much. "Hey Mr Lagerstrom. Hi Ms Codey how are you?" In religion class I never shut up, not to McCarthy I never listen, I just sit with 2 or 3 people who talk a lot and I'm one of them. I never get yelled at though... they do. Hmm! In Spanish class, I am polite, sweet, and funny, I speak when everyone else is or when spoken to. I make sure to make the right facial exressions when someone makes fun of Cuba. In writing class I'm quiet, really trying to learn, seriously. It's importantto me to become better at what I like to do. I don't see myself as a writer yet. Another thing Ms Garcia taught me was to visualize myself fulfilling my destiny. "Convince yourself that you already ARE who you want to BECOME." (i am a writer i am a writer i am a writer). In Histry Im quiet, asleep with my eyes open. In Steinbeck Im quiet, trying not to wet myself, what a scary man. He was SO NICE today though! Woo Wee!
Ms Garcia has done so much for me. She's helped me in every way she's tried to. None of her other students take her inspirational talks to heart, I do. And today when the senior survey asked me to describe myself in one word, I wrote what I UNDOUBTEDLY am in every class. Cuban.

I wrote this to release some tension. I'm in a bad mood and this is about helping myself find my own way when the person you've always depended on lets you down.


My Way Home
Time Time, be my friend
With me till my bitter end oh time
You’re all I’ve got right now

Rom Room gimme some room
Gimme some truth, some space
Some love some time to heal my open wounds

Faith Faith I gotta have faith
Lord shelter me when no one will be
There, there to protect me

Love Love I must find some love
To be my solace in a world
Of abandonment and forgotten promises

Rain Rain wash me away
Take away the pain of today
And I pray, that flowers grow through the cracked pavement

Find Find find me tonight
Amidst all of my pain my strife
Hide me away and take me away from ths place

New New I need some place new
A warmer place to hang my hat
And finally feel important.

Melody Melody wrap yourself around me
Formulate my reverie
Be with me and help me create my destiny

Destiny Destiny surprise me
Changing unexpectedly
Move too fast; help me find my way home.

I truly feel that the only thing that keeps me going this week is knowing that there will be a new O.C. this Thursday. I'm sleepy. Too sleepy. There are huge bags under my eyes and my eyes droop. I need sleep, and I just can't let myself. I'd want nothing more than to just fall asleep at830. That would give me a good nine hours. Heaven. I can't do it though. I've tried, and usually wake up around 230. My body thinks it's napping if I go to bed t hat early.
I'm very paranoid about what I write. I think my writing should be an extension of myself and it should be a fair representation of who I am. Therefore I should strive to write in a way that makes me proud of myself. Even for yearbook, I should always strive for perfection. I'm too much of a perfectionist. I make drafts when I'm writing yearbook articles. I draft more than Ms Eaton wants me to in creative writing. I rewrite and revise every day until it is due. I'm psychotic, too psychotic? It's not a bad thing. My perfectionistic tendencies have always seemed to result in something good, whether it is high praise or a high grade. My paranoid quirkiness usually ends up being good, even though I break my back in the process. Maybe it's too much, but it never hurts to aim towards being perfect. I'll stop when I have a breakdown like Mariah circa 2002.

I've never blogged in school before. It's nice. Kind of weird, but a good way to start the morning. I'm very tired and very cranky. Bad coffee gets me sick, and I had it yesterday. My stomach is still wonky an gurgly. So I had tea this morning, which pisses me off ecause it's tea! I know that I am getting a cold, my throat hurts and is pleghmy and my nose is all stuffy and drippy. Hopefully, though, I will get a few days off, as i REALLY need a few days to just relax, in my warm bed and watch DVDs.
It is 39 degrees outside and about the same throughout the school. Heat does not get turned on in October. The only person who makes sense in this school is the computer-lady. She has her own AC and her own heat, which is now on. It's warm in here, and she's now in the leagues of Ms Wortman and Ms Eaton because of it.

I deleted that by mistake.


After staying awake until past 2 AM and just now getting ready for bed I asked myself " Is it Friday?" If it's not I have to wake up in 4 hours. It is hard to keep track of days when you have 2 days off smack in the middle of the week. Throws you off.

Book of Ralph is getting bad. I liked the 1978 part, whih was the majority of the novel. I even liked the past (1975). But now that McNally has transported Hank and Ralph into 2001 it's getting very boring. Hank is pretty emo, even at 33. What bothers me most is the fact that Hank and RAlph do not seem to have matured after 21 years of time. Ralph still calls him Hankaroo and bub. Hank is caught up in his own mellowdrama, understandably so. I would be upset too if my wife left me. And even more if my new girlfriend had as unfortunate a nivknme as Janet the Planet. The year (2001) just seems forced. The fact that Ralph likes to play around on ebay doesn't seem authentic enough. Maybe John Mcnnally did not feel like writing. He should learn that us wonderfully gifted authors stop writing when we are trying to force our brilliant minds to be creative.

Long time no type. I'm sorry I've neglected you. But you're probably busy with the overflow of new members since myspace stopped being cool. It's still cool? I don't think so. So I'm gonna type to you instead of spy on people I don't like from school.School has been uneventful, outside of the obvious class it has not been anything special in the positive or negative sense. I think we should draw plants and only plants in art. Everyone was watching me draw, I hate being the center of attention but I sucked a few weeks ago, so this is goooood! It was awesome. Ms Klim even said it was "nice" instead of asking me what I thought. hahaha. The key to creative writing is finding a story that you care about and feel needs to be told. There are some writers who can just write about anything and anyone like John Steinbeck. I've yet to see the beauty of his writing. Why couldn't there be a Gatsby and Catcher class. That's it. Just a semester on each. Writing papers about the books. Dream class. Although I wouldn't mind taking American lit all over again. Or British lit. I love Sonnets in British lit and I loved the books in American lit. So just combine the 2 call it British American literature and voila. I found out the Juniors do not have to do Jane Eyre this year. Lucky bastards, I hated that bitch. Jane Eyre. I loved writing about her though. Feminism is such a fun subject to write about. Too bad guys are not allowed in feminism classes in college I'd have so much fun just writing and writing. I was watching a documentary on what I thought was women's lib. It was about the 60s so I turned it off when it got to Nixon. Which segways into History. A class I'm surprisingly doing very well in. The subject matter isn't interesting, but I take good notes. I cannot wait until we start talking about Cuba. He better not say anything bad about Cuba, or Ms Garcia and I will tag-team him. Spanish is hilarious. I'm the only person who likes her and she likes back. The Perks of Being a Cuban. By Stephen Chbosky. Robert

I love when little things make up for alll the bad stuff. I feel al sleepy and sick of school and then tadaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa I am magically reminded how awesommmmme life is when STUFF LIKE THIS HAPPENS!!!! IM IN A GOOD MOOD AGAIN!!!!! YES

And it hasn't even begun. I'm sick, I feel listless and have a headache and I just feel all around icky. It feels like the beginnings of a cold. And it's all psychosomatic I'm sure. School, while some of it may be fun, is still school and with it comes all this stress and pressure that I realy do not like to deal with. I'm a much moodier peron once school begins and thats why for the past few days I've been either really edgy or overly nice due to lack of sleep or too much sleep. I've been sleeping weird hours, yesterday I fell asleep at 10 wok eup at 4. The other day I went to sleep at 8 woke up at 1 AM, and went to sleep at about 12 that night. The weird hours have eithercaughten up to me, orrr my body's just dreading going back to school. I'msleepyand it's only 11. Thats not normal for me. I'm sick and grumpy and I'll get over it by next week or so once I'm back in the rhythm of school. I hope the Rhythm gets me quick, this sucks.

Evreryone sing along "Well the names have all changed since you hung around, But those dreams have remained and they're turned around." I want to welcome myself back to blogging. I know I didn't post much, but how can you find something to post about every day when all you do is sit around and gain weight? But starting school means stressful posts at 10 PM written out of frustration and created as an avoidance to studying. Although Idon't think I'll bedoing much studying this year, except for History. School this year is a pretty exciting thing. By this time next year my life and my location will be drastically different which is a very exciting and scary thing. Good scary. But Im really not lookingforward to the school part of school, its too much work too much stress I like being home I hate being home late. I need alone time and i Know i will not be getting much alone time anymore.

I didn't know water had an expiration date! My water expires July 15 2007. good to know

Dear blog,
I haven't tired of you. Be flattered as I have given up on so many blogs. Maybe I like you so much because I can be completely honest, completely myself, and no one reads you. No one really knows about you, except 2 people. I've been blogging since february when I discovered the word "blogging". The verb for each online journal is different- "xangaed" on xanga and simple "posted" on LJ or GJ. I have a GJ too-- don't be jealous dear blog as it is simply a graphic journal-- which doesn't get the respect it deserves. So you are still my favorite blog I love you blogspot and take my pants off for you!

I like the feeling I get as I write on my blog. The cathartic release of ANYTHING that may be bothering me or anything that may be delighting me. It's anonymous and no one will ever see it except those 2 I mentioned earlier. It feels good to get it all out online and just have it all sitting here in a very neatly designed blog. It's hot and I do NOT want to go outside (until Tuesday when I have to get Mambo Kings) so blogging is a very nice alternative to sweating.

Assuming you are a female, I'd like to marry you blogspot. You have a manly name so we can still be friends. I saw a guy dressed like a woman today at Bed Bath and Beyond ( i didnt want to go out but had to). He She It wasnt a good one. HeSheIt had hairy legs Huge hands and dressed like a Mexican whore. One of my 2 readers future no doubt

It seems as though when everything is just going normally in my life I have nothing to blog about. But I miss blogging and feel bda that I had given it up for a while as my readers are very important to me. Well one of them is at least.

I was eating a twinkie and thoght of the unimportant reader. Be flattered that you are at least still in my thoughts albeit as a snack food that represents asians who are whiter than a Faith Hill concert. I never really got into the twinkie (snack not asian). It was alright and I ate it from time to time but it was bever a big thing for me like some people make it out to be. Yes it was sweet, but the texture of the "bread" always weirded me out. It always tasted stale and was sort of unappealing.

My obsession for Hawai'i grows. I want to teach myself hawaiian, which I believe is more practical than teaching myself a conventional language like Italian or French. I don't really understand what it was that attracted me to Hawaiian music culture and traditions but everything I see of the island and its people is fascinating. Up until a few weeks ago I though the most proud people in the world were the Cubans. But Hawaiians can be defined almost the same way Diego Luna defined Cubans (the ones here can't wait to go back and the ones there never want to leave). I haven't spoken to many hawaiians first hand but it seems like the ones on the mainland can't stop talking about the island and the ones on the island will have severe withdrawal if they love their homely paradise for too long. If I didnt hate the heat I know Hawai'i would be where I'd want to live the rest of my life. Spam aside I can learn to love it.

I was inspired by the greatest songwriter in the history of Twinkie song writers, Dan . So i decided to try my hand at actually putting down one of the songs in my head onto paper. Most of them are in Spanish. Here's an English one. I really hope Dan likes him as I am only an amateur and he dear reacer is a professional. Really moving stuff too.

This song is a big kiss my ass song. Think Walk Away by Kelly Clarkson its got short lines and its sort of coppy with a kind of guitar influenced beat.

When you’re gone- July 26 12:20 AM
Face reality
Go on without me
Did you think you had a chance?

Polar opposites
Black and white
Not quite the makings for a great romance

Its kind of creepy Kind of eerie
To watch you obsess over me
I know I’m great you don’t have to say it repeatedly

Why don’t you just find someone new?
Someone who actually cares for you
Someone who won’t ignore you like I do
I know its hard to get over me
But I’ll be so damn happy
When you’re gone
When you’re gone

See you everywhere
See you stop and stare
Whenever I walk by you

You’re not invisible
I know just what’s going on
I know just what seeing me does to you

Its kind of creepy Kind of eerie
To watch you obsess over me
I know I’m great you don’t have to say it repeatedly

Why don’t you just find someone new?
Someone who actually cares for you
Someone who won’t ignore you like I do
I know its hard to get over me
But I’ll be so damn happy
When you’re gone
When you’re gone

Tell me once tell me twice
That you think I’m still so nice
I’ll be polite when you nervously say hello

I’m forced to go if you stay
I’ll still ignore the things you say
And let you sit alone and wallow
Just wallow

Why don’t you just find someone new?
Someone who actually cares for you
Someone who won’t ignore you like I do
I know its hard to get over me
But I’ll be so damn happy
When you’re gone
When you’re gone

My weekend will be spent with my sister's student, Sam. He is 5 and a half and has autism. He cannot speak either. I'm nervous not because of his disability but because I wouldn't have the slightest clue what to do with him. I'm looking forward to the new experience as I probably will learn alot about exacrtly hw a mind on autism works. Autism is a very isolating disability and is often described as "being trapped in your own world" almost like you're on a deserted island with no way to comunicate with the world. People with autism are often very smart but have difficulty getting their intelligence across in a sophisticated and effective manner. THink rainman. Im fixing to learn a lot and experience new experiences. I'm sure I'll blog about it, as I usually blog when new things I've never seen or felt befor occur.

tata
for now

hehehehehe

Im taking care of a dog. Im not a big dog person, even though Casey is very cute. This is my first day with her and I'm really not sure what to do with her. Oh well