The Perks of Being a Cuban.

Ms Eaton said writing in the little notepad is less intimidating than a giant sheet of paper or a blank computer screen. But now that I have my little book, its so teeny that I need to make every word I write in it count. I cant cross out in it. Its so tiny and clean and pretty. So why would I mess it up with nonesense. I need about 20 more moleskines before I feel safe enoughto mess one up. Ten dollars is a lot. I do look forward to writing in it though. But I'm still scared to mess it up I love it so much.

I was mean today. I didn't mean to be. But I was naturally mean. And that scared me. So I want to try and be nicer cause if it was a natural reflex... that's not good!!! I'll still do it to Muir though. I've been blurting out wwhat could be jokes if said in the proper tone, but the tone always comes out angry and hateful, I'm just bad at hiding my true feelings. But today those really weren't my true feelings and I felt bad. I usualy never think i'm wrong. Well I never admit to it. But I was. Wow. i must be gowing up.. hopefully...

Q1) Sleep with or without clothes on? with
Q2) Prefer black or blue pens? Black and thick. Like my women
Q3) Dress up on Halloween? With my regular clothes. Like Gilligan or Seth Cohen
Q4) Like to travel? What little I have, Florida and Spain. Yes I love it
Q5) Like Someone? no
Q6) Do they know? Maybe that's why she doesnt email me back hehe
Q7) Who sleeps with you every night? The Kelly Clarkson poser hung on my wall
Q8) Do you think you are attractive? I'm cute. Always cute I'm like yor little cousin. So cute ha it's odd to be a guy and be cute
Q9) Want to get married? Yes
Q10) To who? OK for real? Someone who's able to handle my sarcasm and dish it back. And must have a strong sexual appetite. I'm a dick not a person.
Q11) Are you a good student? If I like the class
Q12) Are you currently happy? I'm always happy. It's cause I'm so cute. And I think I'm dead inside and happy's just the default emotion haha
Q13) Have you ever cheated? No
Q14) Birthplace? Secaucus
Q15) Christmas or Halloween? Christmas. Though I hate the decorations I love giving gifts!
Q16) Colored or black-and-white photo? Color. Black and white is for pretentious people who think theyre artsy. Like taking a picture of half your monitor and putting it on myspace
Q17)do long distance relationships really work? It did for Chandler and Monica
Q18) Do you believe in God? Yes.
Q19) Do you believe in love? i believe the children are the future. I believe in a weird type ofdf love. Not a love at first sight but maybe a love that is very flawed that a guy and a girl have to work hard at. If you care enough about a personto work through problems or obstacles then that's what love is about. But the mushy I love you candy hearts brouhaha only works in Jlo movies
Q20) Do you consider yourself the life of the party? If I'm around people I like spending time with maybe not the life but at least I'll be more myself
Q21) Do you drink? No, and if I ever will it will be very casual. I just don't get it
Q22) Do you make fun of people? Only my friends. To their faces. If I don't like someone, I just laugh at them. (I liked what poontang said so I kept it)
Q23) Do you think dreams eventually come true? My dreams are very long term. We'll see what I say at my first book signing
Q24) Favorite fictional character? Chandler ahahaha. H'es from Wuthering Heights ;)
Q25) ever moved? No
Q27) What's up? This quiz got retarded. nm u lolzzz
Q29) Last time you cut your hair? August
Q30) Last person you talked to on the phone? my mom
Q32) Loud or soft music? I'm so over the place right now Im looping a loud song by Shakira maybe later I'll listen to Jack Johnson. I'm realy strange with music but I love that I haven't limited my tastes
Q33) Mcdonalds or Burger King? McDonalds.
Q34) Night or day? Night. I am an insomniac by choice
Q35) Number of pillows? 2
Q36) Piano or guitar? i have both. Cant play either. So Ill say Ipu Heke hahaha
Q37) future job? Writer? Journalist. Creative Writing teacher? Krpt Man? Mr K told me to pursue a career in writing cause he likes my writing. i like him now "by the way.."
Q38) Current job? Amateur porn star. No dan you cannot download my work
Q39) Current thought?Thank God no one can see me dancing to Shakira "En Barranquilla se baila asiiiii"
Q40) Current longing? I want someonwe to doo my tedious Computer project for me
Q41) Current disappointment? my story's not done
Q42) Current annoyance? Im sure Ill think of something eventually hehe
Q43) Last thing you ate? popcorn
Q44) Last thing you bought? Greys Anatomy season one .
Q45) Most recent thing you are lookin forward to? I cant wait to see teehe Lit Mag published.
Q46) What are you wearing right now? Prep pajamas and my Reality TV Runner Up tshirt
Q47) Plans for the weekend? I need to sleep or I'll punch someone
Q48) What did you do yesterday? School litmag meeting and tried to wrap my brain around Dan's shocking love interest
Q49) DO YOU LOVE THE PERSON WHO DID THIS B4 YOU? Nooo if I said I loved Dan's Poontang He'd beat me down
Q50) Ever been drunk? Nope.

I've been translating songs, tryingto better my Spanish vocabulary. Here's one of my many attempts that I actually do not find teribble. Though it does need work

Just in case I never return
I will carry your lovely flag
Lamenting that my eyes never
Saw my people free again

Everybody knows clearly why
I had to leave my blessed home
See though I left I always felt
I’d return as quickly as I left

But the time keeps passing, fleeting
And your sun keeps crying, bleeding
Those stiff ties that bind you tighten
And I’m still sitting, waiting, and to my Lord, continue praying

And I’ve always said it proudly
As they envied my being born in your arms
And though I am not with you
A piece of me always remains in that place
-- Just in case
Just in case I never return

The moment is quickly approaching
When your suffering erases
We swear we won’t hold a grudge—God help us!
And we will all share together
The same joy, for once, God willing!

Though so much time has passed us now
With pride I have carried your name
And to all the skeptics of the world
I have told them of your beauty and your truth

But my dear homeland don’t you suffer
Heart of mine don’t break apart
There is no bad that lasts a hundred years
Nor any human that can withstand such age

And I never wanted to leave you
I called on you with each free step
And my love always remains there
A one lone flower there, in that place
Just in case
Just in case I never return

Yes, it's worth it. It is worth the frustration and aggravation as the end result will be something I'm proud to have "given birth" to. I understand there's no need any more to continue writing, but I want to. And fee it will only do me good in the future to never let my skills rust up. I've gotten much more comfortable in the creative genre and I do not want to forget all the tools and techniques I learned last semester. It loosened me up and I fear that I may be ready to start my own story, withuut a teacher's guidance. Who am I kidding? I NEED MY TEACHER!! I don't have a due date! I don't wave a day to have a first draft done! I don't have to be done in time for a useless peer edit by a peer who has nothing helpful to say!! I'm not being graded Im not being rushed! I NEED TO BE RUSHED!!!

Now that I don't take Creative Writing anymore, I am finding itt harder to motivate myslf to write. I do want to continue writing fiction as I don't want my skills to get rusty, but now that there is no need to rush I fear that I am becoming a lazy writer. There is no need to get a story down as now the time is limitless, I do not only have one cycle to finish a story. Now I could end up like Ms Eaton, whose worked on a book foryears. Or, God forbid, like Muir, who has never written anything and just aas a dream to become a published author someday. I need due dates, which Ms Eaton jokingly said she'd give me, since she noticed the joy I found in writing for her class. I will continue and have a good idea for my next story, I just do not know where to begin, or why I'm writing it. I no longer have an audience, though it was just an audience of one, maybe at most three, it was still an audience. I do not want my writing to sit on my hard drive as writers write because they are vain and want to share their "babies" with many. I want to continue, but fear it isn't worth it... I may just start emailing my stories to Ms. Wortman and never get a response. I'm atill waiting for a response to my "happy nondenominational holiday season" email.

I try to stay away from politics. Mainly because it doesn't interest me and I hate talking to people about it. The qwhole opinionated thing. Just bothers me and I'd rather not be a polittico. BUT I'm loving that the VERY FIRST HISPANIC inducted into the United Stattes Senate was a CUBAN! Robert Menendez! What an awesome name too! And he's CUBAN. America's not so stupid after all.

I have to spend New Years Eve with about 20 strangers. My uncle's wife's family-- I say it that way because they're Puerto Rican and I'm not neither is my uncle. She's my godmother I'll call her that now that the bloodline has been established. Her family from Puerto Rico are coming to America for the new year. So I have to spend New Year's Eve with them. A bad night but up until a few hours ago I had no other option. My other uncle calls-- my moms brother-- and asks to spend New Year's with us like we used to when my cousin and I were growing up. I think last time we did that AJ wasn't even a year old. We had grown apart since then. Not really, but sort of. There wasnt much talking anymore, they moved a little further out into NY. (They were 30 minutes away versus an hour now). But they still spoke to my mom we would go over for AJs birthday and Brandi's birthday and other family stuff but not like we used to. There was a time when we were there every weekend. Once they got the new house for a while they never wanted to leave i because they loved it there so much. It's a beautiful quiet house. So he calls and asks to spnd New Year's Eve at our house. 1) I wouldn't have to get dressed and sit around with 20 people who won't talk to me because I'm 17. 2) I love my family and I love that theyre making an effort to start again. I have so much fun when I'm with them. It's such a shame that I'm stuck in San Juan when I could be at home with familiar people who actually know and care about me. My parents are pissed off too. Shitty way to start a year I've been awaiting since the 8th grade.

I marvel at my inability to accept that I make mistakes. I mess up a lot but will never ever admit to doing so. I'm too hardheaded. I fear that as I grow so will by stubbornness and it will fester into a complete shunning of all people who cannot agree with me. I don't want to surround myself with yesers but I also cannot deal with people who don't listen to me when I talk. Though some may think I am quiet, they would beshocked at the number of words I have in my brain just clamoring to spill out of my mouth. I have an opinion oneverything and it bothers when people have opinions drastically different from my own. Bothers me even more when someone just like me tries to argue his or her own opinion and does not do it well enough.

I am still fearful about my future. I need to grow and mature and accept that people will not mold themselves based onhow I would like them to be. Not everyone can be like me, eventhough I understand that I am not that great and do see many of my huge flaws. It's the flaws I see in others that I do not have that I try to make them get rid of. I need to realize that every individual my age is still slowly growing into themselves and hesitantly figuring out who they will be for the rest of their lives. I fear, also, that I am already so set in my ways that I will never allow myself to evolve as my peers are doing. I need to examine my own psychebefore i examine other peoples'-- an examination that is usually unwanted and very unnecessary.

This post is more about La Tortura than reggaeton, but the following holds true for it too... in a sense. I'll be the first to admit that I hate reggaeton and hate that it's American's only taste of Latin muysic and it is what they think we listen to exclusively. While that is not the case I'm enjoying America's tolerance towards a new genre of music so drastically different from what Top 40 has played for decades. Shakira said it best in her acceptance speech at the Billboard awards. People are putting race and language aside and focusing on the fact that MUSIC is MUSIC no matter than language it is sung in. That really means a lot to me as that tolerance for music can only grow and grow. Hopefully one day songs in spanish will be as popular and equally requested/ wanted as songs in english. A spanglish station!!! It meant a lot to me that a bunch of gringos embraced La Tortura. Even more that many of them tried to learn the words just by sounds! Some looked for translations! It gets me excited that at step one they enjoyed the music, and step 2 they wanted to enjoy the song as a whole. I love that.

I'm not sure why I'm postingright now. Perhaps because there's nothing better to do on a quiet free period that nobody has. I'm thinking about what Ms Garcia said today about Cuba and about the school of the Americas. The school, while it does do military training is not fully responsible for the corruptness of many of its alumni. Evil and mallice is part of your configuration at birth. It is there and fostered by the parents. Fidel Castro, who is the worst and most unethical and evil human being in the universe, actually went to a JESUIT high school. I go to a Jesuit high school and Jesuit teaching is completely about bettering the problems with humanity. The Jesuits are a good people and they were not blamed for Fidel's evil ways. He was born that way and if anyone to blame it is his parents. A school is a school. Evil is simply human nature.

Short answer- no. I am not. Should I be? Am I too much of a pushover? Do people take advantaee of my kindness? Do I allow myself to be stifled too often? These are all questions I haven't answered yet. Questions that I do not think i CAN answer. But a very wise person told me I should be meaner. Does meanness go hand in hand with respect? I need to figure out what I want to do with myself. I don't want to be mean, I'm too cute to be mean :). But I do not want to be nice either. So from now on, I'm going to be mean to those who deserve it.

That's the first thing Ms Garcia taught me. Do not be anyone other than who you want people to say that you are. Be yourself completely. How do people see me? If they could use one word to describe me, some would say funny, others would say sarcastic, but others would say that I am quiet. It's all about how we act and react in situations and settings. In the cafeteria I am goofy, loud and funny. It's a loyud room so to be funny in there you have to be over the top. In the Pub Room, I am sarcastic, facial expressions alone can get me a laugh in there. In the foyer, with Dan in the mornings, I'm mean, snarky, awesome! Also in the Foyer however I'm polte and say good morning to teachers who pass who I may not like very much. "Hey Mr Lagerstrom. Hi Ms Codey how are you?" In religion class I never shut up, not to McCarthy I never listen, I just sit with 2 or 3 people who talk a lot and I'm one of them. I never get yelled at though... they do. Hmm! In Spanish class, I am polite, sweet, and funny, I speak when everyone else is or when spoken to. I make sure to make the right facial exressions when someone makes fun of Cuba. In writing class I'm quiet, really trying to learn, seriously. It's importantto me to become better at what I like to do. I don't see myself as a writer yet. Another thing Ms Garcia taught me was to visualize myself fulfilling my destiny. "Convince yourself that you already ARE who you want to BECOME." (i am a writer i am a writer i am a writer). In Histry Im quiet, asleep with my eyes open. In Steinbeck Im quiet, trying not to wet myself, what a scary man. He was SO NICE today though! Woo Wee!
Ms Garcia has done so much for me. She's helped me in every way she's tried to. None of her other students take her inspirational talks to heart, I do. And today when the senior survey asked me to describe myself in one word, I wrote what I UNDOUBTEDLY am in every class. Cuban.

I wrote this to release some tension. I'm in a bad mood and this is about helping myself find my own way when the person you've always depended on lets you down.


My Way Home
Time Time, be my friend
With me till my bitter end oh time
You’re all I’ve got right now

Rom Room gimme some room
Gimme some truth, some space
Some love some time to heal my open wounds

Faith Faith I gotta have faith
Lord shelter me when no one will be
There, there to protect me

Love Love I must find some love
To be my solace in a world
Of abandonment and forgotten promises

Rain Rain wash me away
Take away the pain of today
And I pray, that flowers grow through the cracked pavement

Find Find find me tonight
Amidst all of my pain my strife
Hide me away and take me away from ths place

New New I need some place new
A warmer place to hang my hat
And finally feel important.

Melody Melody wrap yourself around me
Formulate my reverie
Be with me and help me create my destiny

Destiny Destiny surprise me
Changing unexpectedly
Move too fast; help me find my way home.

I truly feel that the only thing that keeps me going this week is knowing that there will be a new O.C. this Thursday. I'm sleepy. Too sleepy. There are huge bags under my eyes and my eyes droop. I need sleep, and I just can't let myself. I'd want nothing more than to just fall asleep at830. That would give me a good nine hours. Heaven. I can't do it though. I've tried, and usually wake up around 230. My body thinks it's napping if I go to bed t hat early.
I'm very paranoid about what I write. I think my writing should be an extension of myself and it should be a fair representation of who I am. Therefore I should strive to write in a way that makes me proud of myself. Even for yearbook, I should always strive for perfection. I'm too much of a perfectionist. I make drafts when I'm writing yearbook articles. I draft more than Ms Eaton wants me to in creative writing. I rewrite and revise every day until it is due. I'm psychotic, too psychotic? It's not a bad thing. My perfectionistic tendencies have always seemed to result in something good, whether it is high praise or a high grade. My paranoid quirkiness usually ends up being good, even though I break my back in the process. Maybe it's too much, but it never hurts to aim towards being perfect. I'll stop when I have a breakdown like Mariah circa 2002.

I've never blogged in school before. It's nice. Kind of weird, but a good way to start the morning. I'm very tired and very cranky. Bad coffee gets me sick, and I had it yesterday. My stomach is still wonky an gurgly. So I had tea this morning, which pisses me off ecause it's tea! I know that I am getting a cold, my throat hurts and is pleghmy and my nose is all stuffy and drippy. Hopefully, though, I will get a few days off, as i REALLY need a few days to just relax, in my warm bed and watch DVDs.
It is 39 degrees outside and about the same throughout the school. Heat does not get turned on in October. The only person who makes sense in this school is the computer-lady. She has her own AC and her own heat, which is now on. It's warm in here, and she's now in the leagues of Ms Wortman and Ms Eaton because of it.