The Perks of Being a Cuban.

I would never abandon you!!! i just haven't had anything worth saying. well that's not true. Everyone has something worth saying, or writing... or at least hey think they do. Maybe i've been too busy to notice you. but i do like writing here. i've had a lot of work, more work than ever before. last year was like 8th grade. this is my first year in a big boy college. and while i have come to appreciate my experiences at stockton, i have never been prouder of any decision i've made. despite unbelievable challenges, i am positive fordham is a good fir for me, or will be. my feet are still getting wet i think. i'm thinking of plunging soon, maybe.
I write every day. I try to at least, once aday. even a phrase, or an idea for something. I have so many unorganized ideas that fly in and out of my head. i wish i had more retention, or a quiet half hour to just get it all down. there's a lot flying around up here, i'm pointing to my brrain, it would be nice to share it with others. but it gets away from me a lot of the time. i miss writing my stories, i miss it deeply. There was nothing more unbearable and rewarding to me than working on a story, I miss it a lot.
I feel now how others may have felt at Stockton when I spoke with them. They would always say "big city boy, he's so smart." I am by far not the smartest person in my school this year. Definitely not. These people talk like I wite. How can words pour out of them that easily? Complex brilliant words eloquent and flowy. They talk like poetry, they speak in melodies, it's fascinating to watch. I hate a few of them. Well just one girl, she gets on my nerves a lot. She raises her hand and just says random brilliant words, she rambles more eloquently than I write. It takes me deep concentration to write like how she speaks. I think she's showing off. Because she usually just starts speaking before her brain reaches her point. She takes the class on her brain's journey with her, and I really never feel like taking her trip.
I like being where I am. It's not perfect, but nothing really ever is, and that's a good thing. Perfect seems boring.. I like challenging myself, and that is definitely what's been happening. Things are good, blog-god. Thanks for listening.

I’ll get away while there’s time
I’ll fly well into the night
Well into tomorrow

Move on past the dense fog
Move on from where you are
While I’m still young

Is there a place where time’s still
A place for me to just wait
Where I won’t grow old
Or keep missing you more

Oh Never…
It never existed
This place in my head
Where my dreams were bred
Were kept and preserved
Today washed away
Oh Never…
You never existed

I’m getting older too fast
I swore I’d never do that
I’m covered in regret

Thought I could fly past the night
Into never ending light
Into tomorrow

Is there a place where time’s still
A place to just wait
Where I won’t grow old
Or keep missing you more

Oh Never…
It never existed
This place in my head
Where my dreams were fed
Were kept and preserved
Today washed away
Oh Never…
You never existed

El agua sabe a sangre
Y a lágrimas llenos de sal
Tan frió y tan infinito
No tiene por donde acabar

Ay, no me olvido del mar
Que suele guardar
Memorias, recuerdos,Deseos y sueños
Por el camino a la libertad

El agua sabe a sangre
Las olas recogen el dolor
Tan solos y tan desesperados
Buscando un mundo mejor

Ay, no me olvido del mar
Que suele guardarMemorias,
recuerdos,Deseos y sueños
Por el camino a la libertad

La tierra huele a sangre
Mi gente se sacrifica
Por no tener remedio
Al mar ellos se entregan

Ay, no me olvido del mar
Que suele guardar
Memorias, recuerdos,Deseos y sueños
Por el camino a la libertad

For the most part, today's been fine. But with the combination of the rain and general frustration, a wave of bad energy just washed over me and now I feel vwery blahhh. Listening to my parents fight, having dinner be disgusting, being generally annoyed, being asked my password for collegeboard, it keeps piling. The password thing-- There's nothing on my college board that's private, really. The problem however is that my parents needed my password. It's a privacy thing, nothing in this house is private. They know the passwords to everything and it frustrates me. My door can't be closed, they ask why when it is.
I've realized tonight how different this year will be, and years to come. The great school that I can't completely experience because I'm at home. Checking in, being home on time, not being able to do school-ey things. It's an adjustment that just now is setting in.
I remember being called at 4 AM in Stockton one night. I was awae, as was this person. "I can't sleep" he said "m eeither"-- me. "Wanna hang out" "Sure let's go to the laundry room." That can't happen now. It's just really really different, and sort of not the best.....
At this time, everyopne's going back to school. People are pcking, people are buying new things, getting ready for the new year. I remember last year what a scary and exciting time it was, I can only imagie what it's like to go back to campus fully aware of what the school brings you, totally confident and just as excited as the year before. I completely do NOT regret my choice to leave Stockton, it wasn't a great school. But after dorming for a year, and experiencing the freedom that brings, this is going to be hard.
I tried to explain it to dad "then I guess you should have stayed at Stockton"... this is what I live with. I really hate whining, my problem today is not interesting. But writing it out gets it out of me , I think. And for the past few hours this feeling of loss has been dragging me around. I've lost the ability to act my age, and do the things I'm supposed to not supposed to be able to do.

I'm sick to my stomach, over analyzing, and over thinking. I'm so much under pressure, pressure that i've put upon myself. Pressure that isn't raelly there. It's all in my head. So i got into the school I wanted to go to. but now, i really don't know if that was the right fit for me. I do well with smaller classes, I like my teachers knowing my name, recognizing my face, talking after class. I like my teachers to take interest in me, and I don't think that'll happen here.
I look at other schools, with a real campus, a Quad, a library, a cafeteria, a parking lot. I'm going to school in the middle of New York City, as cool as it sounds, none of the things I mentioned exist at my school. Like most college kids sit out on a lawn, Fordham students have to go to Central Park. Like most college kids who get to go to the campus library at 2 AM and write a paper, Fordham students have to go to the NYC Public Library. Absolutely everyone I know at Fordham commute, and I know a lot of people. Because there really is no campus. There are dorms, and they're nice, but there aren't that many.
All of the things that come to mind when you think of a college camopus aren't at Fordham. and while it's totally what I wanted this time last year, it's a bit extreme. I'm going from absolute wilderness to absolutely urban.
I hate my inability to make a choice, I hate making mistakes, and as phenomenal as this school is, I really need to know that it's the right fit for me, and I really don't know yet.
I'm deliriously confused.

I start many projects. I give myself a lot of credit. I assume I'll pursue these things to their ends, whichever they may be. I started a story, a possible book. It has 2 pages, and I am ready to scrap it. It's totally a ridicuous undertaking, and involves subjects I'm not familiar with.
I've started the story off on such broad grey terms, it could go ina limitless amount of directions, but i really don't know if anyof them are particularly interesting. and if an intersting one does exist, somewhere in the cosmos, won't it please fall from the sky and bonk me on the head?

There’s never silence
There’s always a whisper
A faint shout in the dark
A cough in an empty room

It’s never quiet
Try as much as you want
Stand in the shade as long as you’d like
Stand in the dark forever if you’d like

Come on wake up
Things aren’t so bad, now
Come on wake up
Get over what’s in your past
Come on Come on Come on
Get up

There’s never peace
There’s always a fighter
A dreamer with hope
A madman with a vision

It’s never safe
Wait as much as you want
Stand in the shade as long as you’d like
Stand in the dark forever if you’d like

Come on wake up
Things aren’t so bad, now
Come on wake up
Get over what’s in your past
Come on Come on Come on
Get up

There’s always hope
There’s always a day left
A minute, an hour
Some time for life to find you

Come on wake up
Things aren’t so bad, now
Come on wake up
Get over what’s in your past
Come on Come on Come on
Let Go

She gives herself completely
But not as completely as they’d like her to
She’s left with a void the size of the sun

She swears she’s so far past it
Promises she’ll forget them
Ignores her chance to reconcile

If the first time wasn’t hard enough
How will she get through 2 or 3?
Maybe soon she’ll stop wondering why she’s all alone
She’s all alone, again
She’s so insecure, thinks she’s so self assured
Preparing for her breakdown
They keep breaking her down

She’s completely not herself
And they honestly couldn’t care less
She’s left with regret, consumes every though

She swears she’s so far past them all
Promises she’ll forget them all
Pretends she’s already moved on

If the first time wasn’t hard enough
How will she get through 2 or 3?
Maybe soon she’ll stop wondering why she’s all alone
She’s all alone, again
She’s so insecure, thinks she’s so self assured
Preparing for her breakdown
They keep breaking her down

The walls close her in
Their words do her in
She comes undone,
This round, they’ve won

If the first time wasn’t hard enough
How will she get through 2 or 3?
Maybe soon she’ll stop wondering why she’s all alone
She’s all alone, again
She’s so insecure, thinks she’s so self assured
Preparing for her breakdown
They keep breaking her down

It'a ridiculously hot. After a fantastic tuesday, I've settled back into the mundanity of summer. Sure, it's relaxiing, but I feel like such a slacker. I tried to get a job, I really did, but no one called me back. For some reason I am unable to picture myself behind a cash register, I feel like I'd be the really annoyed cashier with his eyes rolled to thwee back of his head. I don't want to hate my job! But it's not even July and I'm already itching for some learnin'.

I looked back on my blog 2 summers ago, and i wrote about all the books I wanted to read. On the Road, Confederacy of Dunces, neither ever opened. Actually I tried On the Road, gave it away. I miss reading, I haven't doe it in so long, but I fall asleep whenever i try, unless I'm moving. I can read forever if i'm in a car, but put me in a sttionary chair, or bed and i'm gone. Maybe if i just roll around on my chaiir i'll get some reading done. It does have wheels after all. I have so many great things I'd love to read, and no motivation to do so. Summer is killing my motivation, I used to be so peppy.

I also miss winter. I look much better in winter, no sweat, nice clothes, it's a great season. and it's COLD. I can never stress completely how much i loathe the heat. This blog has no point aside for the fact that I want to begin blogging like before, writing nonsense for no reason justto get stuff out. Nothing particularly bad or good, but still stuff nonetheless.

It’s under control
You say you don’t need help
You say you’re too grown to be thought about

It’s in your hands
In your slippery hands
You say no need to catch what’s already fallen

Down, you go
Down, you fall
Down, slowly you
Drown…

Won’t you come up for air
Save some for later
Take a deep breath
And give up the fight
Come up for air
Things will be better
I swear

It’s not an issue
So I won’t make it one
You say you’re just having your last bit of fun

It’s something to do
Just to pass idle time
But no one can take away what’s already gone

Down, you go
Down, so far
Down, slowly you
Drown…

Won’t you come up for air
Save some for later
Take a deep breath
And give up the fight
Come up for air
Things will be better
I swear

You choke on your words
You fall all alone
You think you’re too old for I told you so

It hurts me so much
To see you this way
So much in love with something that won’t love you back

Won’t you come up for air
Save some for later
Take a deep breath
And give up the fight
Come up for air
Things will be better
I swear

I’ll try and put the past where it belongs
Far from my memory
Pretend you never happened to me
Pretend I never knew you

I’ll try and scratch you out of my mind
Erase you inside and out
Ignore your present existence
Ignore my past with you

Force myself to erase you completely
Control myself enough to do this
Every time I have time to think
I find myself with thoughts of you

Your hands your feet your eyes and lips
Blur into shapeless gray oblivion
Your shape your laugh your smile your body
Blur into nothing sent away for good
For good
For the best

If we ever cross the same path
And I find you near me
You’ll strike up talk of how’ve you been’s
I’ll ask you what your name is

If we ever have to meet again
If you ever come and find me
Pleasantries will spill from inside you
I’d see right through your emptiness

Force myself to erase you completely
Control myself enough to do this
Every time I have time to think
I find myself with thoughts of you

Your hands your feet your eyes and lips
Blur into shapeless gray oblivion
Your shape your laugh your smile your body
Blur into nothing sent away for good
For good
For the best

So, I love Gloria Estefan. Her new single is tortally inspiring. "No Llores" is all about not being caught up in life's drama and celebrating the good things that surround you. And when I do stop to think, I do realize how greatly the good outweighs the bad. Because what I consider "bad" really isn't bad, just frustrating.
There really isn't anything bad going on. I'm very happy, I had a good year, in a not so good place, but I made it work and in the end came out winning. I took control of the situation and finished academically with my best grades so far, ever!
That post from the otherday wasn't gloomy, or sad. I'm just concerned with being in limbo. But thoughts about this state of in between are rare, only when I remember. And I rarely do. I justhate being unsure. I want to know WHAT SCHOOL Im going to. and if the ONE school wuld just respond, I'd be fine. JUST respond. Other than that, summer's awesome, relaxing, I'm cooking fantastic things and broadening my prowess. I'm really proud of the progress I've made in all of my creative outlets, drawing cooking (if done right it's creative) graphics and writing. I've begun stories, and have had ideas for stories. I just need to finish or start. I miss storytelling. And i'd love to start up again.
Things are good, even if they don't always seem to be. For the most part, everything's looking up, and I'm learning a lot this summer, and I learned a lot about myself throughout this year. I feel like I've grown and understood more about why we must go through certain things. The journey is what matters, and the destinnation. If I hadn't gone to Stockton, I probably wouldnt have given eirther of these 2 schools a thought. In journey we take, good, bad, whatever, there's a learning curve. It's up to you to go with it and understand that through each dark path, there is eventual light.
SUELTA LOS TEMORES!

This has been a very frustrating time for me. For a while I've internalized my fears and worries, I haven't even writtwen about them. But, now there's no point in keeping them in as my future no longer is in my own hands. I've done all I can on my end, nnow it's up to the powers that be.
I hate appllying to schools. I hate the entire ordeal, the tedious forms, the teacher recs, transcript request forms etc. Most of all I hate waiting. I hate this part of not being sure. I hate not knowing where I want to be. I should have only applied to one good school. Then the decision would have been simpler.
Everyone wants to make my decision for me. How can they be so sure as to what's best for me when I'm absolutely not sure at all? I second guess myself so often. All last year I joked abouut "being in college and still not knowing what college I want to go to." It was a gentle way to come tot erms with how flighty I am. I am so unsure of every step I make. I can't even explain it. I can't make a deciaion without thinkig it could end up being the worst choice of my life. I think too far ahead and wonder how I'll end up in 5 years if i do this, or that, or or or....
I don't know why I am writing this blog. It's not really clear, it doesn't make too much sense, and doesn't erally come to any conclusion. I won't be changed by the end of this, there wont be any epiphany, no realization or resollution. I'm not that easy. I just want to be SURE of where I should go. I don't want to be confused anymore. And absolutely everything about this process, about this year, this new period of limbo I have put myserlf into, is remarkable FRUSTRATINGLY confusing. There's so much I don't know. It's like standing at the edge of a cliff, being poked with a stick. You have to jump, but to your left is a pile of jagged rocks, to your right a group of hungry crocodiles. You have to jump, but in which direction?

I think its best for me and you
If I sit back and tell the truth
Cause there’s so much that you don’t know yet

I don’t take baths every day
I don't comb my hair on weekdays
I talk too fast and just say nothing

If this is how you wanted
Your life to end up
Thank you very much

Get out my love and stop wasting your time
Before it’s far too late
Every day I’m more imperfect still
You stick around and wait
I have no redeeming quality can’t you see
So now I set you free
Don’t waste your time.

While I’m on this roll I’m on
I might as well continue and
Give you more reasons to leave me

I don’t make my bed every day
Cheat at every game I play
And I never seem to cry

You think you know me so well
Well now here’s your chance
Get out while you can

Get out my love and stop wasting your time
Before it’s far too late
Every day I’m more imperfect still
You stick around and wait
I have no redeeming quality can’t you see
So now I set you free
Don’t waste your time.

When it comes down to you and me
At least you know who I might be
If you ever got stuck with me...

Who are we screaming to?
Why should we waste our breath
When the powers that be, whoever they may be
Don’t notice

Children smile since they don’t know better
Widows cry, ‘cause they’ll never be together
Again

We lie helpless on our backs
Brothers and Sisters go on and attack
We watch our country change
We all fall down

For years and years my eyes were closed
Why bother, since I alone
Can do nothing

For too long I’ve been blinded
So young and simple minded
My eyes are opened
And I hate what I see.

Miro al azul del mar
Siento el azul en mi alma
Mis sentimientos están en negro
Que hace años no te veo

Siento un fuego en mi alma
Anaranjado y Rojo puro
Que me trae fortaleza
Vivir sin ti ha sido duro

Píntame de colores
Mi corazón que esta en blanco
Lléname de cariño
Y tráeme el verde del campo

Siembro unas rosas rosadas
Tan bellas como tu cara
Hermosas como mis recuerdos
Temporales como esta vida

Ese sol amarillo y lindo
Trae claridad y aceptación
Que ya no estas a mi lado
Es una dura resignación

Píntame de colores
Mi corazón que esta en blanco
Lléname de cariño
Y tráeme el verde del campo

He viajado de gris a añil
De pena a plena intuición
De ya no tener que verte
Pa’ tener rojo el corazón

Píntame de colores
Mi corazón que esta en blanco
Lléname de cariño
Y tráeme el verde del campo

Are you ready to lose?
So far you’ve been winning
It all seems like the end
But it’s all beginning

Little catastrophes break your spirit
They try to fix you, you just won’t hear it
Everything’s the end of the world

Welcome to this side of town
Where everybody feels as down as you do
Welcome to this side of town
This is what life’s all about
Sorry that you’ve just figured out
This is where we’re hiding.

You can stay here for now
Right now you’re still lonely
Everything is such a mess
Are you starting to feel?

Little catastrophes break your spirit
They try to fix you, you just won’t hear it
Everything’s the end of the world

Welcome to this side of town
Where everybody feels as down as you do
Welcome to this side of town
This is what life’s all about
Sorry that you’ve just figured out
This is where we’re hiding.

Sorry you’re here
Stay as long as you need
Sorry to say
I’m sure I’ll see you again
And again
This is what life’s all about
Sorry that you’re just figured out…

Welcome to this side of town
Where everybody feels as down as you do
Welcome to this side of town
This is what life’s all about
Sorry that you’ve just figured out
This is where we’re hiding.

I had trouble sleeping
For a whole damn year
I’d just toss and turn
On my plastic mattress

Did you see me
Through the clouds and trees
Did you bother
To watch over me

Do you think as much as I do?
I can’t turn my mind off at night at all
Did you want me out of there too?
It was so cold and I was so alone
Didn’t you know?

Had trouble concentrating
Thinking how I got there
I was just a zombie
Outside my own body

Did you see me
Through the clouds and trees
Did you bother
To watch over me

Do you think as much as I do?
I can’t turn my mind off at night at all
Did you want me out of there too?
It was so cold and I was so alone
Didn’t you know?

Didn’t you know
What I was getting into
Didn’t you know
I could have done better
Didn’t you know
I could have been so different
Now I’m not sure
Anymore

Did you see me
Through the clouds and trees
Did you bother
To watch over me

Do you think as much as I do?
I can’t turn my mind off at night at all
Did you want me out of there too?
It was so cold and I was so alone
Didn’t you know?

this is FICTION. As it is spring. Most of what i write is. I get inspired by titles or words.


This winter’s been so bleak
The sky’s been full of dust
The clouds as black as gravel
The air as cold as ice

This winter’s been so cold
I haven’t seen the sun
Everything’s so stagnant
The earth is brown and dry

This is My December
Nothing here gets better
Thinking up my resolution
Counting down to a solution
This is My December

I’ve been so many places
It all just stays the same
I’ve seen so much destruction
We’re all stranded alone

I’ve promised to myself
To forget who you are
I feel you in the night’s chill
I shiver at your thought

This is My December
Nothing here gets better
Thinking up my resolution
Counting down to a solution
This is My December

Waiting for a new day
5 4 3 2 1
January, relieve me
Absolve me from my sins

This is My December
When nothing gets better
January, absolution
Relieve all of my confusion
Release you from my thoughts
After My December

LITERALLY EVERYTHING HAS GONE RIGHT TODAY!!!!! Things have been so perfect today, and I've been in SUCH a good mood! YAY !

You took for granted all you own
You lie in your bed all alone
Destroyed the past and all you knew
Forgot everyone and all you do is

Sit around
Unmaking all that you’ve built up
Lie around
Avoiding all that you’ve messed up
Settle down
All that you’ve lived for
All that you’ve died for
Is out of your hands

The life that you have no one has
Judas
Your luck runs out, it never lasts
Judas
All that I’ve lost
All that you’ve gained
Forgive you
You know not what you do.

You made me believe every word
You made doubting you so absurd
Destroyed who I was, trusting you
I’m left reborn and all you do is

Come around
Unsettling the world around you
Turn around
Betraying all who trusted you
Settle down
All that you’ve lived for
All that you’ve died for
Is out of your hands

The life that you have no one has
Judas
Your luck runs out, it never lasts
Judas
All that I’ve lost
All that you’ve gained
Forgive you
You know not what you do.

You wrap me around your finger
You betray everyone you’re with
You speak in riddles to bewilder
You turn on everyone you’re with
You betray everyone you’re with

The life that you have no one has
Judas
Your luck runs out, it never lasts
Judas
All that I’ve lost
All that you’ve gained
Forgive you
You know not what you do.

On this perfect day
Nothing can go wrong
Nothing ever harms me
I just move along

On this perfect day
Nothing brings me down
Nothing keeps me thinking
I just move around

Without you
I just move along
Without you

And you’re not here
And it’s okay for now
I’ll get through it somehow
While you’re not here
And it’s okay for now
I’ll keep saying it’s a perfect day
A perfect day

On this perfect day
I see your smile in places
A million peoples faces
All look like one

On this perfect day
The clouds take on your features
The universe, your laughter
I’m staring at the sun

Without you
I’m staring at the sun
Without you

And you’re not here
And it’s okay for now
I’ll get through it somehow
While you’re not here
And it’s okay for now
I’ll keep saying it’s a perfect day
A perfect day

On this perfect day…

How can anyone harbor so much hate? How can humanity power on while being infested, poisoned, consumed by an irrational fear towards one another? How do people still think this way? In the year 2007 it is unreasonable to imagine that people still carry hate within them, and still act out because of this hate in such a cruel, sadistic way.
I have so many questions. So many things I just don't understand about my universe, my people. So much I'm trying to grasp, wrap my brain around and I just can't. Daniellynn was on the front cover of the news paper. The nauseating tragedy at VA Tech had 1/3 of that page. Priorities.
I don't understand my world. I don't understnd how people think. How can a human harm another human? How can inflicting pain make it okay? How are things fixed? Nothing is fixed. The world is broken. The world is in complete disorder. Infernal disorder.
Don Imus. Had he waited a week, he'd still be on the air. However, the fact that he has no filter, no concept of human dignity, right and wrong, bothers me. The fact that he thinks in such an archaic, uneducated way is frightening. I never listened to his show, now i don't have to.
I don't do politics. I'm trying. I don't do news or current events. I'm trying. I've realized that the news gets me angry. The news scares me, it forces me to question. I'm becoming concerned. Concern is important, it means your eyes are opened.
I'm just so confused by this world, by the people in it. By the thoughts they have, and the things they do. By war. By fire. By death. By hate. I'm confused by so much. Why why why

¿A que tierra pertenezco?
¿Al acero o al mar?
¿Al concreto o la arena?
¿Ni sé en que idioma hablar

Vivo en la orilla
Del ingles y el español
Camino sobre el borde
De mi hogar y de mi amor

Como puede ser
Que amo a esa tierra
Ese lugar en que me imagino
Que no existe ya
Como puede ser
Que me siento en esa tierra
Profundamente pertenece
Cuba dentro de mí

I wish I knew you
That I could see you
Know what you’re thinking
And going through

What they’ve been saying
What you’ve been living
The world you’ve been facing
All alone

Living your life on second chances
Getting by on the luck of the draw
Life is not the way you’ve planned it
And you’re ready to move along

The last word that you say to me
Won’t be goodbye
Cause there’s so much left
To explain
The last time that you look at me
Straight in the eye
Look at me with respect
And honesty

I want to believe you
I want to trust you
And know that these mistakes
Are for the best

I want to be sure of
All I’m not sure of
There’s so much more I
Can’t understand

Living your life on second chances
Getting by on the luck of the draw
Life is not the way you’ve planned it
And you’re ready to move along

The last word that you say to me
Won’t be goodbye
Cause there’s so much left
To explain
The last time that you look at me
Straight in the eye
Look at me with respect
And honesty

Open up your media player. Load up all your MP3s. Set it to random. List the first 20 songs that play. No cheating. Bold the one you find the most embarassing (if there is one). Italicize your favourite. Underline your least favourite. Post your list in your journal so others can mock and scorn and laugh.

1 i see your smile gloria estefan
2 the moon kendall payne
3 hips don't lie shakira
4 christmas through your eyes gloria estefan
5 respect Pink
6 la paga juanes
7 let me leave marc broussard
8 die motherfucker die get set go
9 Go hanson
10 night train amos lee
11 everyones a little bit racist ave q
12 last request paolo nutini
13 i remember damien rice
14 great divide hanson
15 love revival REBA
16 el metro cafe tacuba
17 drink the water jack johnson
18 come on come on jet
19 idilio fonseca
20 zero percent jason mraz

Perdona nuestras ofensas,
como también nosotros perdonamos
No nos dejes en la tentación
Tentación
Tentación

In cello et in terra fiat voluntas tua
Gloria Spiritui Sancto

¿Que idioma hablas tú?
Si acaso puedas hablar
¿Eres un héroe?
Quien rescata a todos los demás

Ahora dime porque
Se fajan el perro y el gato
Y también si vas a la mezquita
O a la sinagoga

Y si nuestro destino esta a su merced
Y si el guión lo escribiste tu, donde esta el héroe

Como le va
Con el poder que tienes ya
Eres feliz
O sueles llorar
Te has equivocado
Como todos hemos
Si me perdonas
Yo te perdonare

Dime si eres capaz
De sentir dolor
De pasar con hambre
O si sientes siempre bien.

Mire como mueren la gente
O matan, por tu nombre
Eso te trae orgullo,
O te avergüenza?

Y si nuestro destino esta a su merced
Y si el guión lo escribiste tu, donde esta el héroe

Como le va
Con el poder que tienes ya
Eres feliz
O sueles llorar
Te has equivocado
Como todos hemos ya
Si me perdonas
Yo te perdonare

The roommate thinks we're friends. He speaks to me all the time, he jokes with me. He puts things in my garbage can. Not garbagey things, gross things. Things with ketchup. He put a bottle of ketchup in my fridge. I'm annoyed. Every time I ask him to clean, he puts it off, he ignores. IM GOING INSANE

There was a time
My words were few
All of my thoughts
Focused on the wrong thing

And so there was a burden
Weighed me down each day
So there was so much
I forced myself to say

I don’t think for my own good
I have learned from my mistakes
I could be a better man
If I found a way to let go

In the silence of my soul
The silence of my new home
I couldn’t turn it off
All that I’ve been thinking of
So now I think I’ve learned
From the bridges I have burned
It’s high time
I go back from where I came

Because there was a burden
Tortured me each day
There is still so much
No one’s ever heard me say

I don’t think for my own good
I have learned from my mistakes
I could be a better man
If I found a way to let go

Is every February this stagnant? I just feel ... stuck. I think I'm going to do a lot tomorrow. Apply places, other than Fordham. I need to know that there is an end to this place. It's not even bad anymore, it's just not where I want to be for the next however-many years.

I need a break. I don't even do that much work. I wrote a 10 page play in 2 days. It felt so awesome to worry about writing omething again. I like to feel useful and writing does that to me. I feel like the things I say may eventually be of use, either just to me or to maybe someone. It feels so good to get a good response to the past few things I've written. And now I have a larger audience. It's playwriting, so it's meant to be spoken aloud . So when the readers are reading them and can't get through it because they think it's so funny, I feel useful. I made the creepy girl who cuts herself hyperventilate. I assume she's not used to laughter, I felt accomplished. I think my playwriting is genuinely improving.

I do miss narration though. I miss my descriptions of rooms and skies and eyes. I really miss writing stories. I haven't been inspired, forced, or motivated. I have a story that I started, it's so choppy, but it started out well. I will finish it eventually.

I'm just so tired. I haven't slept enough today, and I'm starting to wind down. I'm sundowning. Last time i blogged before bed, it helped me. I'm awake but my body isn't. it's screaming to get into bed. And i still don't want to. But it's for the best. I think I'll sleep now.

I cannot sleep. I havent been able to for exactly one week. I have stayed up for long periods of time, then slept for short periods. 20 awake 4 asleep or so. This is bad. I have no idea why I cant sleep. For the first time at stockton everythings go well. I enjoy all of my classes, my teachers, i have lunch and dinner buddies and the occasional breakfast buddy. I'm making peace with the fact that I'm here for a lil while. And I feel okay about the rest of the year. I have no concern on my mind. Nothings bothering me psycologically. And yet, I cannot turn my brain off. I toss and turn and think. Thoughts range from day dreams to whats ahead tomorrow to annoying songs that remain stuck. Yet, I'm high strung. And i have absolutely no reason why. Maybe it's my roommate? Maybe its his fan, maybe its his mess. I've thought about the fan and the mess while tossing. I've looked over at him and scowled, his existence bothers haha. I need help, I think, about the sleep. I read that writing down the reasons why you may be sleepless helps. I wish I knew the reason

NO ITS NOT CLEAN CLEAN CLEAN! im going insane. im gonnaq kill him. im gonna throw all this shit away. gross piles of cheap clothing get in my way every day. i kick things, then wash my feet. there are empty sunny delight bottles everywhere in a room with THREE garbage cans. he has a pyramid of rootbeer cans. don't people form can pyramids when they drink actual beer? as a sign to impress others, and to show how much they drank. he has no friends, and as I am the only one who has seen this pyramid, i am not impressed. His books are arranged in a pile near his printer. they topple over once a week. He owns 1 long sleeve t shirt. it's white. its layered under ever short sleeve tee he owns. He has a garbage bag thats full, thats sitting by his bed. Im going to die

I'm not that smart. I act like I am. But I'm not. I'm not that nice. I look like I mighgt be when you meet me, but that doesn't last too long. I'm opinionated, yet introverted. I'm tragically optimistic, I dream big, think big, probably because I'm so short.
I'm stubborn. I make plenty of mistakes. I'm hard to live with, because I'm so particular. I'm impossible with roommates, the 2 I've had. I cannot envision myself living peacefully with anyone who isnt exactly like me. I am incapable of apology, and the few times I've actualy done it, I've regretted it. I get stung, but don't show it. I'm private, I don't show emotion tto other people. They think I'm dead insde, but I'm very much alive.
I'm sarcastic, which is not a good thing. I'm clever, which is a good thing to some. I'm secretly clingy. As much as i hate spending too much time with people, as much as I push people aside and make them feel unimportant, I miss them like crazy when they're gone, or if they ever decide to be. Friends I have, have had or have lost, still man the world to me. And I always wonder whether something went wrong, or whether we've grown apart with age.
I write not because I think I'm good. I write because it's my only release. It's my way of proving my worth, or proving that I do have feelings.

i miss blogging about nothing. lately i've just always blogged when i had a point to make. i read my old posts and they were meaningless, just things that amused or bothered. my day. here i go..

its mother boinking cold. like trapped in a penguin cold. im dying as much as i enjoy the cold. its so cold im getting skin blotches, which happens every year. i shiver when i'm outside. this is so bad. but at least my cold clothes are sexy. i hate the summer because of my scrawny arms. the winter covers them, i look nice in sweaters. im wearing my fav sweater right now. tomorrow im gonna waer my heavy brown hooded cardigan. its very itchy so i need long sleeves under it but it looks really nice and its comfy.

Acceptance is a tough thing to achieve when we do everything in our power to not. It's hard to accept that things change, people change, or that the world is somethimes beyond your control. Sometimes things happen that we just cannot fix. We are a part of a constant evolution, and we'd do whatever we can to stop.

My sister is engaged. I wish I were happy, I really do. For her sake I wish I could accept this. But i can't. I feel uneasy thiinking about a future with him in it. He's never rubbed me the right way and I have a bad feeling about all of this. She seems happy but I just can't. I want to, for her. I cant.

We try to force acceptance, we burry our true feelings way deep down. But do we ever let them go?

This has not been a particularly easy time for you and the ride isn't quite over yet. You may now feel a fresh wave of emotions washing over you, but the danger stems from holding on to the past instead of gracefully flowing into the future. Practice by envisioning a totally new and different scenario without worrying about its practicality. Don't judge your thoughts, however outrageous. Simply thinking about all the possible paths can provide the right opportunity.

I try to ignore horoscopes. They're fake and untrue. THey give false hope. We're all a little superstitious, however much we fight it. We have a quirk, a "thing" that brings comfort and assurance. We don't look for signs, but they happen. Today, while I was writing in my notebook, the AOL horoscope page opened. I didn't click it, nothing was clicked, it just opened. and i read todays and then yesterdays, which i pasted above. It was sort of spot on, which scared me. I've struggled recently with the conflict between past and present. I've tried toi come to terms with what's behind me, while attempting to welcome what's around me. It's something that in time will come to me, I'll stop dwelling. I've already stopped. I'm learning and growing and thinking too big which for now is okay. I'll get there.

Along the way, you lose touch. I've lost touch with several people I've cared about. But today, I met up with some of my best friends from grammar school. We lost touch and somehow everyone picked up where we left off. It was so weird to se eeveryone again, I was nervous that it wouldn't be the same. We are all so much more mature now. It's just so weird. Good weird. It was nice. I had an easier time with them than I ever have with "the others". The first friends you make are always your best. I hope this sticks.

I'm writing this though I should already be well on my way to meet with friends. They want to meet /hang out at Prep. When I read that and felt no excitement or need to go there, I felt relief. It's a relief to be moving forward, to find resolution in where I am and finally stop feeling like there's too much left behind. There's no need for me to ever go to Prep. It's not like SFA which shuts down if i visit, the entire school gets excited. At Prep, no one really gets too thrilled, it's a bigger place, I'm a smaller fish who doesn't fit there much anymore. I'm moving forward. So all this time I felt like I was stuck in the past, not moving while everyone else did, I realize that my friends still haven't moved on. I don't want to go today. It just doesn't feel right being there. That's not my school anymore.
SFA will always be my school. I was there for 8 years. There, I was nurtured and nourished. They fed our minds and souls like a mother does her own children. There are deep rooted connections in SFA that do not exist at Prep. I grew up at SFA, they saw me and continue to see me maturing. They've been there for every moment in my life good and bad. The connection there is different to that of Prep. I loved my high school, but SFA is my home.

I'm kind of stuck between wanting to go back to school and dreading it. Going back means the start of classes again. New teachers, assignments, things to preoccupy myself with. I think I'm okay with all of this. finally. It's something I've combatted for a long time, my hard head. I'm stubborn, I did not give my school a chance. I don't see myself there for any longer than this semester, but after leaving the horibble dorm I've felt better about my place in Stockton. That dorm and those people represented everything bad about that place, maybe about college in general. They were the aimless slackers who really had no motive for graduating. I've sincce met people with purpose, with stories and personalities. They are not lifelong friends, but for now they'll do. Things are getting better and for the next five months, they will stay that way

There's no pont in making resolutions when you live your life so arduously trying to not regret your mistakes. You convince yourself that your past was your destiny and that there's no point in changing yourself now. Any other mistakes will just make you more sure of who you are. So you make resolutions to better yourself, and eventually give up. You loe control of the plan you've set up, it's easier to keep giving into your bad habits. A resolution is a resolve of determination. We are selfishly determined to forget our goals for this year. Our outright refusal to grow and redesign ourselves become resolutions of their own.



I don’t want to embrace this resignation
Confused for loss of control
I don’t want to hold onto
That which must be let go

I don’t want to make this resolution
Forcing a change within me
I don’t want to force away
Something inside that’s always been

A part of who I was
Tortures me this day
I played the part of the coward
A part of me still pays for what I’ve done

Renounce who I was
Take away the power in my name
Resolve what I’ve done
Devalue my thoughts and things I’ve said
Resolution
Resolution
Worthless, I’ll break you in a month.


I don’t want to make this resolution
Because I’ve lost control
I don’t want to sell my soul
Just because I can’t let things go

A part of who I was
Tortures me this day
I played the part of the coward
A part of me still pays for what I’ve done

Renounce who I was
Take away the power in my name
Resolve what I’ve done
Devalue my thoughts and things I’ve said
Resolution
Resolution
Worthless, I’ll break you in a month.

Thoughtless, I’ll forget you in a month.