None of my friends are fine right now. i feel like i'm the most fine, and that makes me feel bad that i can't empathize more with the situations they've found themselves in. I wish i could be a better friend, a better shoulder. Maybe i'm so self centered that I make my own problems bigger than they are, and force them to become the focus of conversation, but i do want to be there for them.
I'm not a good sharer-- of emotions or feelings or of time. I tend to control the conversation and make everything about me, which at times i feel forces people to think they can't talk about their issues with me. some people are just as closed off emotionally as i am, which frustrates me, but i understand it because of how i am. I'm not good at advice and I'm not good at opening up. I don't like being vulnerable and i'm always afraid of giving too much away, i always get hurt if i do. But i'm a good listener, I've been told. And I care too much, that's my curse.
i feel like when some of you say you're fine, because the 2 people i'm concerned about do read this blog. it's more defense mechanism than anything else. Fine. I swear I'm fine. Convince yourself of that, and maybe it'll be true. Everything's weighing on your shoulders, and you're responsible for so much and so unsure of what's next, and it's scary and frustrating. I get that, I'm in that same place. And I know i'm not that fine, but is pretending so much better than putting down your guard and actually speaking with someone who's there too? Nothing about this stage of my life is normal, or stable. Everything's so up in the air and terrifying. I'm 21, i have no discernible skills, no job prospects and no idea about when I'd get to move out. I still get treat ed like i'm in high school, i still get asked to check in, I still get picked up if i hang out with friends. I'm still a kid, despite not feeling like it or wanting to be one. And at this age, I have thoughts about a future, having a life, being independent, not being alone. i don't know. For all of my whining, things could be worse. Things could crash harder, or be more unstable. For all of the fears you both have, things could be harder. And if all else fails, it's comforting to know that someone cares, and is there to listen.
Are we all still fine?
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