I'm pushy, I'm self centered, I think everything's about me, I try too hard, I get hooked too fast, I lose friends easily, I don't make them easily, I miss too many people, I'm nostalgic over things I haven't even done, and I get hurt quite often.
I'm an imperfect friend, but so is everyone. Sometimes I feel helpless about it, like it's my on fault for clinging to people so fast, but I'm not good at being laid back. When I met CJ we hated each other, and I find that fascinating. The longest friendship of my life had started with one of the biggest rivalries I've ever faced. Maybe that's what's kept it so solid? I knew the bad side of him going in, and I knew that it was going to be a bumpy friendship. I knew we were going to butt heads, and I knew I was going to do things that pissed him off.
I often idealize people. I make them perfect in my head because I like them, and it scares me so much when I discover their bad side. My friends are imperfect, I've realized that so much more often lately, and there's nothing I can do to help. Everyone's got issues that make them all dark and twisty inside, and I can't untangle them or sort them out. My hands are tied. What's worse is my help is unwanted! So my busybody nosy attitude is just seen as me being pushy and obnoxious-- some of my imperfections.
I have to work on taking things less personal. Not everything is about me. Just happens that with some of you, I'm always around, and i receive it. I end up serving as the emotional punching bag and it really realllly sucks! It hurts a lot, kids! I can't explain how shitty it feels to know I can't help, or understand what you're both going through! Everyone's got issues, but I hate keeping mine inside. As much as i t ry not to wear my heart on my sleeve, I've been a much more open person lately. My stress is out there, my dirty laundry's all over the front lawn. Everyone knows when I feel like shit, and I try to explain why, because I don't want my friends to think it's their fault. And I refuse to take out my shitty day on the people I care about. I respect my friends far too much to do that undeservedly to them.
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