Caveman, Stress, Assholeiness Etc.

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It's late, I have one very small lamp on, but my room's as bright as it ever really gets. It's dark in here, which is hard for me. I bump into things a lot, but more than that, it puts me in a bad mood. I'm one of those people who says they enjoy the creativity found in a cloudy day, but I also crave a bright sunny one. It might be one of those seasonal things that people get, where people feel healthier and more alive drenched in sunlight. I don't know for sure, but I do notice a difference in my demeanor when I'm surrounded by darkness.

It's like a cave down here, I'm a hobbit or a gnome or some sort of weird grumpy creature who despite all normal appearances, does not enjoy invasions of space and property. I don't want it to affect me too much, so I do notice that since living down here I've gone out more, sometimes for a week at a time! and i try not to stay home as much. Which is a great thing, as I was become too hermit-like upstairs. I needed something negative or distracting about my living space that would make me want to go out more and do things.

This cave helps. Going outdoors helps, getting dressed up and being blinded by the sunlight is a really nice feeling that seems to work for me. It decompresses me and de-stresses me. A lot of shit is happening, I need all the positive energy I can get. Luckily I'm feeling great, physically. I'm even less tired now that I'm eating better. There's other crap, frustrating crap. I get mad at people for the worst reasons. Today I got upset because one person was talking far too much and then I got upset because someone else wasn't talking enough. I'm hard to please apparently, or just easily irritable. I'm not asking for people to walk on eggshells for me, but a little understanding helps. I'm not confrontational on purpose, it's just my go-to emotion. I argue, I yell, I say mean things, I think people get tired of me or brush me off more often than they actually do. I lash out and I'm an asshole a lot of the time… It's just how I get when shit gets complicated. 

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Over the next 2 weeks....

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i'm gonna be a douche bag
i'm gonna have a short temper
i'll be extremely sensitive and emotional
i'll take everything too seriously
i won't mean much of what i say
i might say things i regret
i'll need to be comforted a lot
i'll need to be listened to

i'm really nervous and scared. i have no possible way of passing this class, and i'm not just saying that. there's no way. nd i'm resigning myself more and more to that idea and it scares me. it's making me edgy and sad. i'm taking out my frustrations on people around me. i take everything people do and say so seriously lately, it has nothing to do with them, it's just my own messy mind. i guess people need to just be patient with me for a bit. it's a bad time. end of the semester always is. but this one sucks more than ever. i'm scared out of my mind. beyond any level of description, i've never really failed a class before. i don't know what happens. i'm freaking out.
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Itunes Playlist

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What if i was a famous person? Or someone important enough for itunes to ask to do one of those nifty self indulgent playlists in which a notable person assumes that their taste in music is so great that it must be shared. Well, I've always thought about what mine would consist of. Diana Ross's was all Diana Ross songs, which I found extremely funny. As if to say-- what other music is out there? You should only be listening to Endless Love, earthlings. Still I've wondered what mine would say about me. If i'd pick happy songs, sad songs... if I'd only put the indie, folksy or alt stuff I listen to in order to appear cool, or if I'd have the guts to slip in some Gloria music, because let's face it, she's a big part of my music & my life. Would I be able to represent myself properly in 15-20 songs? Or would I try and appear like something that I'm not. Well, I'm gonna try it, and I guess we'll see if i look like a douche or like Rob once it's all over.

1- Gloria Estefan "Mi Tierra" - I did it! She's here! But okay, this was the first song other than the ABCs and Twinkle TWinkle that I learned the words to. I was 3 years old, and I heard it once and was hooked. I asked my dad who was singing, he told me, and I said "Hey dad can we go to Sam Goody?" he asked why... "Because we have to buy all her cassettes."

2-Alanis Morissette "Your House"- She's a creepy crazy stalker and I love it! I love her voice on this song, it kinda feels like she actually did this crazy shit, like she recorded it in his robe, in his room, with his CDs all over the place. Intense, terrifying, but strangely pretty. I hope I never feel this way about a person.

3- The Beatles "Drive My Car"- I could pick a million, but I'm picking this one. Because it's the only Beatles song I ever admitted that I liked to my Dad until recently. He used to play it fot me as a kid and we'd sing along all loud and obnoxious in the living room, because I loved screaming "Beep Beep, Beep Beep Yeahhh!"

4- Ingrid Michaelson "Sort Of"- I'm not sure what she means, the lyrics are all over the place. Is she scared, is she in love? I guess they're the same thing, huh? "I find you stunning, but you are running me down" i love that.

5- Janet Jackson "That's The Way Love Goes"- I wasn't sure what I felt first time I heard this song. I was young. Now I know I was just turned on. This song is sexy as hell, but not gross. It's classy sexy. Her voice, that video, oh boy!

6- Juanes "SueƱos"- Political, but in a nice way. It's not about America, or Cuba, but it could be. And that's why it means a lot to me. I'm not a political person, but I would like things to be as peaceful as he does in this song. He's fighting kind of, and this song always gets me riled up.

7-Kate Nash "We Get On"- I love the lyrics to this song. It's so cute, but conversational which is something I love about the way she writes. I love the throwback sound of this song. Also love how it sounds like this actually happened. She's telling a story that most of us can relate to

8- Kelly Clarkson "All I Know"- Like we weren't expecting her to show up. favorite song of her's ever, and I'm not sure why. It's stripped down, she sang it once, it's nothing special, and still i fnd it gorgeous and meaningful. i don't think her writing has ever been as thoughtful or mature as it was on this song. For God's sake, I hope it's not written about Justin!

9- Jason Mraz "Sleeping To Dream"- Gorgeous. Amazing. Who else knows how to write about such a simple sentiment with such perfection and eloquence? No one else can put that silly childish feeling of having a crush on someone and not getting them out of your head like Jason! We've all been there, trying to will ourselves to dream of someone, the person that makes us happiest at the time, just because it feels nice. One of my fave songs ever. ever ever ever

10- Jennifer Lopez "Let's Get Loud"- Before a speech or presentation in class, I put my ipod on, i crank this up, and i get psyched. This song revs me up like no other, and it still makes me happy, makes me dance, and calms me down. Jlo & a cup of coffee are my speech routine!

11- Aretha Franklin "Rocksteady"- Runner up for my get psyched song. What it is what it is!! such a fun song, with a dirty bass that gets you going. They don't make them like this anymore. Picking one aretha song was hard ass work, cause I love her.

12-Michael Jackson "Black or White"- Janet's not the only Jackson on this thing! This song, from the first guitar riff still gets me all goosebumpy. Just the beat in itself makes it a great song that superficially as a kid I loved. Then the lyrics begin to resonate and it becomes all the more powerful. Brilliant songwriting and a wonderful message for anyone whose ever felt oppressed or victimized racially. It just feels good to hear someone put it all out there and stop taking everyone's bullshit, which is what made him such a gifted writer.

13- Ray Lamontagne "Forever My Friend"- his voice breaks your heart. I couldn't tell if this was a happy or sad song at first listen until I read the lyrics just because he always sounds so shattered. I guess that's his thing, but this is a beautiful song.

14- Shakira "Inevitable"- Putting herself out there. These are all the reasons why you shouldn't be with me. There's nothing worthwhile in me other than the fact that I love you. This was back when she was brilliant, now she's a she wolf. I MISS THIS, BE AMAZING AGAIN PLEASE.

15- Sugarland "Small Town Jericho"- I don't know what a life like this is like. My town is small but urban, we don't talk to our neighbors and we don't know people's business. I just think the way this is set up is really pretty, and the way it's written is so perfect. Almost makes me wish I was from the burbs.

OK I could have put a lot more, from each artist. But i tried to use as many of the people whose music has maent a lot to me as i could. There's a million more songs from each that have moved me in one way or another over the years. But doing a second one of these is too much work. I HOPE I DIDNT END UP SOUNDING LIKE A DOUCHE. Thanks Bye.
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