I feel like complaining. I feel like being a brat for a few seconds instead of always being freakin positive and funny. I'm always the funny one, I say stupid things in awkward situations, I have nothing else. Because of this, even my closest friend has proven to not know me well at all. I've had friends for like 7 or 8 years, and they barely know anything about me. It's hard. I'm here now, in my 20s, and I don't have anyone really close to me. People get close and then start easing away, pushing themselves out of my life, avoiding me, distancing themselves. That hurts.
I think I'm nice. I do a lot for people. I'm generous with my time and my ear, I'm just generous in general. I think about people, I'm thoughtful, and I'm always there. I do a lot to keep my friends, I do things to prove how much I care for them. I guess that's not good, to prove myself... but I get nothing in return. People forget my birthday, they forget to call or check in, they just do things that prove that they don't care as much about me as I do about them. And it's happened so often, that now as it's happening again, it's seriously scaring me. Am I incapable of holding on to anyone? Or am I one of those freaks who's destined to be a loner. I went to the movies alone today, I hate doing that, but who's gonna go with me? Am I just meant to not get close with anyone? Should I develop a hard shell of an exterior so that it hurts less when people care less? Should I stop being so good, so open and honest? Is developing a wonderful friendship for a short while worth the pain of it deteriorating a few months later?
I always say that I love being alone, I like the privacy and the quiet. But for good? Forever? Every day? That's not healthy. I need people, I miss people. Hanging out with Michelle a few weeks ago felt so good, it was the first time in a while where I felt like someone was excited to see me, like someone cared. It felt nice to get a hug, give one back, and know that there was a person right there who missed me, or who was genuinely happy to have me around. I wish more people felt that way.
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