The Perks of Being a Cuban.

For the most part, today's been fine. But with the combination of the rain and general frustration, a wave of bad energy just washed over me and now I feel vwery blahhh. Listening to my parents fight, having dinner be disgusting, being generally annoyed, being asked my password for collegeboard, it keeps piling. The password thing-- There's nothing on my college board that's private, really. The problem however is that my parents needed my password. It's a privacy thing, nothing in this house is private. They know the passwords to everything and it frustrates me. My door can't be closed, they ask why when it is.
I've realized tonight how different this year will be, and years to come. The great school that I can't completely experience because I'm at home. Checking in, being home on time, not being able to do school-ey things. It's an adjustment that just now is setting in.
I remember being called at 4 AM in Stockton one night. I was awae, as was this person. "I can't sleep" he said "m eeither"-- me. "Wanna hang out" "Sure let's go to the laundry room." That can't happen now. It's just really really different, and sort of not the best.....
At this time, everyopne's going back to school. People are pcking, people are buying new things, getting ready for the new year. I remember last year what a scary and exciting time it was, I can only imagie what it's like to go back to campus fully aware of what the school brings you, totally confident and just as excited as the year before. I completely do NOT regret my choice to leave Stockton, it wasn't a great school. But after dorming for a year, and experiencing the freedom that brings, this is going to be hard.
I tried to explain it to dad "then I guess you should have stayed at Stockton"... this is what I live with. I really hate whining, my problem today is not interesting. But writing it out gets it out of me , I think. And for the past few hours this feeling of loss has been dragging me around. I've lost the ability to act my age, and do the things I'm supposed to not supposed to be able to do.

I'm sick to my stomach, over analyzing, and over thinking. I'm so much under pressure, pressure that i've put upon myself. Pressure that isn't raelly there. It's all in my head. So i got into the school I wanted to go to. but now, i really don't know if that was the right fit for me. I do well with smaller classes, I like my teachers knowing my name, recognizing my face, talking after class. I like my teachers to take interest in me, and I don't think that'll happen here.
I look at other schools, with a real campus, a Quad, a library, a cafeteria, a parking lot. I'm going to school in the middle of New York City, as cool as it sounds, none of the things I mentioned exist at my school. Like most college kids sit out on a lawn, Fordham students have to go to Central Park. Like most college kids who get to go to the campus library at 2 AM and write a paper, Fordham students have to go to the NYC Public Library. Absolutely everyone I know at Fordham commute, and I know a lot of people. Because there really is no campus. There are dorms, and they're nice, but there aren't that many.
All of the things that come to mind when you think of a college camopus aren't at Fordham. and while it's totally what I wanted this time last year, it's a bit extreme. I'm going from absolute wilderness to absolutely urban.
I hate my inability to make a choice, I hate making mistakes, and as phenomenal as this school is, I really need to know that it's the right fit for me, and I really don't know yet.
I'm deliriously confused.

I start many projects. I give myself a lot of credit. I assume I'll pursue these things to their ends, whichever they may be. I started a story, a possible book. It has 2 pages, and I am ready to scrap it. It's totally a ridicuous undertaking, and involves subjects I'm not familiar with.
I've started the story off on such broad grey terms, it could go ina limitless amount of directions, but i really don't know if anyof them are particularly interesting. and if an intersting one does exist, somewhere in the cosmos, won't it please fall from the sky and bonk me on the head?

There’s never silence
There’s always a whisper
A faint shout in the dark
A cough in an empty room

It’s never quiet
Try as much as you want
Stand in the shade as long as you’d like
Stand in the dark forever if you’d like

Come on wake up
Things aren’t so bad, now
Come on wake up
Get over what’s in your past
Come on Come on Come on
Get up

There’s never peace
There’s always a fighter
A dreamer with hope
A madman with a vision

It’s never safe
Wait as much as you want
Stand in the shade as long as you’d like
Stand in the dark forever if you’d like

Come on wake up
Things aren’t so bad, now
Come on wake up
Get over what’s in your past
Come on Come on Come on
Get up

There’s always hope
There’s always a day left
A minute, an hour
Some time for life to find you

Come on wake up
Things aren’t so bad, now
Come on wake up
Get over what’s in your past
Come on Come on Come on
Let Go

She gives herself completely
But not as completely as they’d like her to
She’s left with a void the size of the sun

She swears she’s so far past it
Promises she’ll forget them
Ignores her chance to reconcile

If the first time wasn’t hard enough
How will she get through 2 or 3?
Maybe soon she’ll stop wondering why she’s all alone
She’s all alone, again
She’s so insecure, thinks she’s so self assured
Preparing for her breakdown
They keep breaking her down

She’s completely not herself
And they honestly couldn’t care less
She’s left with regret, consumes every though

She swears she’s so far past them all
Promises she’ll forget them all
Pretends she’s already moved on

If the first time wasn’t hard enough
How will she get through 2 or 3?
Maybe soon she’ll stop wondering why she’s all alone
She’s all alone, again
She’s so insecure, thinks she’s so self assured
Preparing for her breakdown
They keep breaking her down

The walls close her in
Their words do her in
She comes undone,
This round, they’ve won

If the first time wasn’t hard enough
How will she get through 2 or 3?
Maybe soon she’ll stop wondering why she’s all alone
She’s all alone, again
She’s so insecure, thinks she’s so self assured
Preparing for her breakdown
They keep breaking her down

It'a ridiculously hot. After a fantastic tuesday, I've settled back into the mundanity of summer. Sure, it's relaxiing, but I feel like such a slacker. I tried to get a job, I really did, but no one called me back. For some reason I am unable to picture myself behind a cash register, I feel like I'd be the really annoyed cashier with his eyes rolled to thwee back of his head. I don't want to hate my job! But it's not even July and I'm already itching for some learnin'.

I looked back on my blog 2 summers ago, and i wrote about all the books I wanted to read. On the Road, Confederacy of Dunces, neither ever opened. Actually I tried On the Road, gave it away. I miss reading, I haven't doe it in so long, but I fall asleep whenever i try, unless I'm moving. I can read forever if i'm in a car, but put me in a sttionary chair, or bed and i'm gone. Maybe if i just roll around on my chaiir i'll get some reading done. It does have wheels after all. I have so many great things I'd love to read, and no motivation to do so. Summer is killing my motivation, I used to be so peppy.

I also miss winter. I look much better in winter, no sweat, nice clothes, it's a great season. and it's COLD. I can never stress completely how much i loathe the heat. This blog has no point aside for the fact that I want to begin blogging like before, writing nonsense for no reason justto get stuff out. Nothing particularly bad or good, but still stuff nonetheless.

It’s under control
You say you don’t need help
You say you’re too grown to be thought about

It’s in your hands
In your slippery hands
You say no need to catch what’s already fallen

Down, you go
Down, you fall
Down, slowly you
Drown…

Won’t you come up for air
Save some for later
Take a deep breath
And give up the fight
Come up for air
Things will be better
I swear

It’s not an issue
So I won’t make it one
You say you’re just having your last bit of fun

It’s something to do
Just to pass idle time
But no one can take away what’s already gone

Down, you go
Down, so far
Down, slowly you
Drown…

Won’t you come up for air
Save some for later
Take a deep breath
And give up the fight
Come up for air
Things will be better
I swear

You choke on your words
You fall all alone
You think you’re too old for I told you so

It hurts me so much
To see you this way
So much in love with something that won’t love you back

Won’t you come up for air
Save some for later
Take a deep breath
And give up the fight
Come up for air
Things will be better
I swear

I’ll try and put the past where it belongs
Far from my memory
Pretend you never happened to me
Pretend I never knew you

I’ll try and scratch you out of my mind
Erase you inside and out
Ignore your present existence
Ignore my past with you

Force myself to erase you completely
Control myself enough to do this
Every time I have time to think
I find myself with thoughts of you

Your hands your feet your eyes and lips
Blur into shapeless gray oblivion
Your shape your laugh your smile your body
Blur into nothing sent away for good
For good
For the best

If we ever cross the same path
And I find you near me
You’ll strike up talk of how’ve you been’s
I’ll ask you what your name is

If we ever have to meet again
If you ever come and find me
Pleasantries will spill from inside you
I’d see right through your emptiness

Force myself to erase you completely
Control myself enough to do this
Every time I have time to think
I find myself with thoughts of you

Your hands your feet your eyes and lips
Blur into shapeless gray oblivion
Your shape your laugh your smile your body
Blur into nothing sent away for good
For good
For the best

So, I love Gloria Estefan. Her new single is tortally inspiring. "No Llores" is all about not being caught up in life's drama and celebrating the good things that surround you. And when I do stop to think, I do realize how greatly the good outweighs the bad. Because what I consider "bad" really isn't bad, just frustrating.
There really isn't anything bad going on. I'm very happy, I had a good year, in a not so good place, but I made it work and in the end came out winning. I took control of the situation and finished academically with my best grades so far, ever!
That post from the otherday wasn't gloomy, or sad. I'm just concerned with being in limbo. But thoughts about this state of in between are rare, only when I remember. And I rarely do. I justhate being unsure. I want to know WHAT SCHOOL Im going to. and if the ONE school wuld just respond, I'd be fine. JUST respond. Other than that, summer's awesome, relaxing, I'm cooking fantastic things and broadening my prowess. I'm really proud of the progress I've made in all of my creative outlets, drawing cooking (if done right it's creative) graphics and writing. I've begun stories, and have had ideas for stories. I just need to finish or start. I miss storytelling. And i'd love to start up again.
Things are good, even if they don't always seem to be. For the most part, everything's looking up, and I'm learning a lot this summer, and I learned a lot about myself throughout this year. I feel like I've grown and understood more about why we must go through certain things. The journey is what matters, and the destinnation. If I hadn't gone to Stockton, I probably wouldnt have given eirther of these 2 schools a thought. In journey we take, good, bad, whatever, there's a learning curve. It's up to you to go with it and understand that through each dark path, there is eventual light.
SUELTA LOS TEMORES!

This has been a very frustrating time for me. For a while I've internalized my fears and worries, I haven't even writtwen about them. But, now there's no point in keeping them in as my future no longer is in my own hands. I've done all I can on my end, nnow it's up to the powers that be.
I hate appllying to schools. I hate the entire ordeal, the tedious forms, the teacher recs, transcript request forms etc. Most of all I hate waiting. I hate this part of not being sure. I hate not knowing where I want to be. I should have only applied to one good school. Then the decision would have been simpler.
Everyone wants to make my decision for me. How can they be so sure as to what's best for me when I'm absolutely not sure at all? I second guess myself so often. All last year I joked abouut "being in college and still not knowing what college I want to go to." It was a gentle way to come tot erms with how flighty I am. I am so unsure of every step I make. I can't even explain it. I can't make a deciaion without thinkig it could end up being the worst choice of my life. I think too far ahead and wonder how I'll end up in 5 years if i do this, or that, or or or....
I don't know why I am writing this blog. It's not really clear, it doesn't make too much sense, and doesn't erally come to any conclusion. I won't be changed by the end of this, there wont be any epiphany, no realization or resollution. I'm not that easy. I just want to be SURE of where I should go. I don't want to be confused anymore. And absolutely everything about this process, about this year, this new period of limbo I have put myserlf into, is remarkable FRUSTRATINGLY confusing. There's so much I don't know. It's like standing at the edge of a cliff, being poked with a stick. You have to jump, but to your left is a pile of jagged rocks, to your right a group of hungry crocodiles. You have to jump, but in which direction?

I think its best for me and you
If I sit back and tell the truth
Cause there’s so much that you don’t know yet

I don’t take baths every day
I don't comb my hair on weekdays
I talk too fast and just say nothing

If this is how you wanted
Your life to end up
Thank you very much

Get out my love and stop wasting your time
Before it’s far too late
Every day I’m more imperfect still
You stick around and wait
I have no redeeming quality can’t you see
So now I set you free
Don’t waste your time.

While I’m on this roll I’m on
I might as well continue and
Give you more reasons to leave me

I don’t make my bed every day
Cheat at every game I play
And I never seem to cry

You think you know me so well
Well now here’s your chance
Get out while you can

Get out my love and stop wasting your time
Before it’s far too late
Every day I’m more imperfect still
You stick around and wait
I have no redeeming quality can’t you see
So now I set you free
Don’t waste your time.

When it comes down to you and me
At least you know who I might be
If you ever got stuck with me...

Who are we screaming to?
Why should we waste our breath
When the powers that be, whoever they may be
Don’t notice

Children smile since they don’t know better
Widows cry, ‘cause they’ll never be together
Again

We lie helpless on our backs
Brothers and Sisters go on and attack
We watch our country change
We all fall down

For years and years my eyes were closed
Why bother, since I alone
Can do nothing

For too long I’ve been blinded
So young and simple minded
My eyes are opened
And I hate what I see.

Miro al azul del mar
Siento el azul en mi alma
Mis sentimientos están en negro
Que hace años no te veo

Siento un fuego en mi alma
Anaranjado y Rojo puro
Que me trae fortaleza
Vivir sin ti ha sido duro

Píntame de colores
Mi corazón que esta en blanco
Lléname de cariño
Y tráeme el verde del campo

Siembro unas rosas rosadas
Tan bellas como tu cara
Hermosas como mis recuerdos
Temporales como esta vida

Ese sol amarillo y lindo
Trae claridad y aceptación
Que ya no estas a mi lado
Es una dura resignación

Píntame de colores
Mi corazón que esta en blanco
Lléname de cariño
Y tráeme el verde del campo

He viajado de gris a añil
De pena a plena intuición
De ya no tener que verte
Pa’ tener rojo el corazón

Píntame de colores
Mi corazón que esta en blanco
Lléname de cariño
Y tráeme el verde del campo

Are you ready to lose?
So far you’ve been winning
It all seems like the end
But it’s all beginning

Little catastrophes break your spirit
They try to fix you, you just won’t hear it
Everything’s the end of the world

Welcome to this side of town
Where everybody feels as down as you do
Welcome to this side of town
This is what life’s all about
Sorry that you’ve just figured out
This is where we’re hiding.

You can stay here for now
Right now you’re still lonely
Everything is such a mess
Are you starting to feel?

Little catastrophes break your spirit
They try to fix you, you just won’t hear it
Everything’s the end of the world

Welcome to this side of town
Where everybody feels as down as you do
Welcome to this side of town
This is what life’s all about
Sorry that you’ve just figured out
This is where we’re hiding.

Sorry you’re here
Stay as long as you need
Sorry to say
I’m sure I’ll see you again
And again
This is what life’s all about
Sorry that you’re just figured out…

Welcome to this side of town
Where everybody feels as down as you do
Welcome to this side of town
This is what life’s all about
Sorry that you’ve just figured out
This is where we’re hiding.

I had trouble sleeping
For a whole damn year
I’d just toss and turn
On my plastic mattress

Did you see me
Through the clouds and trees
Did you bother
To watch over me

Do you think as much as I do?
I can’t turn my mind off at night at all
Did you want me out of there too?
It was so cold and I was so alone
Didn’t you know?

Had trouble concentrating
Thinking how I got there
I was just a zombie
Outside my own body

Did you see me
Through the clouds and trees
Did you bother
To watch over me

Do you think as much as I do?
I can’t turn my mind off at night at all
Did you want me out of there too?
It was so cold and I was so alone
Didn’t you know?

Didn’t you know
What I was getting into
Didn’t you know
I could have done better
Didn’t you know
I could have been so different
Now I’m not sure
Anymore

Did you see me
Through the clouds and trees
Did you bother
To watch over me

Do you think as much as I do?
I can’t turn my mind off at night at all
Did you want me out of there too?
It was so cold and I was so alone
Didn’t you know?

this is FICTION. As it is spring. Most of what i write is. I get inspired by titles or words.


This winter’s been so bleak
The sky’s been full of dust
The clouds as black as gravel
The air as cold as ice

This winter’s been so cold
I haven’t seen the sun
Everything’s so stagnant
The earth is brown and dry

This is My December
Nothing here gets better
Thinking up my resolution
Counting down to a solution
This is My December

I’ve been so many places
It all just stays the same
I’ve seen so much destruction
We’re all stranded alone

I’ve promised to myself
To forget who you are
I feel you in the night’s chill
I shiver at your thought

This is My December
Nothing here gets better
Thinking up my resolution
Counting down to a solution
This is My December

Waiting for a new day
5 4 3 2 1
January, relieve me
Absolve me from my sins

This is My December
When nothing gets better
January, absolution
Relieve all of my confusion
Release you from my thoughts
After My December

LITERALLY EVERYTHING HAS GONE RIGHT TODAY!!!!! Things have been so perfect today, and I've been in SUCH a good mood! YAY !

You took for granted all you own
You lie in your bed all alone
Destroyed the past and all you knew
Forgot everyone and all you do is

Sit around
Unmaking all that you’ve built up
Lie around
Avoiding all that you’ve messed up
Settle down
All that you’ve lived for
All that you’ve died for
Is out of your hands

The life that you have no one has
Judas
Your luck runs out, it never lasts
Judas
All that I’ve lost
All that you’ve gained
Forgive you
You know not what you do.

You made me believe every word
You made doubting you so absurd
Destroyed who I was, trusting you
I’m left reborn and all you do is

Come around
Unsettling the world around you
Turn around
Betraying all who trusted you
Settle down
All that you’ve lived for
All that you’ve died for
Is out of your hands

The life that you have no one has
Judas
Your luck runs out, it never lasts
Judas
All that I’ve lost
All that you’ve gained
Forgive you
You know not what you do.

You wrap me around your finger
You betray everyone you’re with
You speak in riddles to bewilder
You turn on everyone you’re with
You betray everyone you’re with

The life that you have no one has
Judas
Your luck runs out, it never lasts
Judas
All that I’ve lost
All that you’ve gained
Forgive you
You know not what you do.

On this perfect day
Nothing can go wrong
Nothing ever harms me
I just move along

On this perfect day
Nothing brings me down
Nothing keeps me thinking
I just move around

Without you
I just move along
Without you

And you’re not here
And it’s okay for now
I’ll get through it somehow
While you’re not here
And it’s okay for now
I’ll keep saying it’s a perfect day
A perfect day

On this perfect day
I see your smile in places
A million peoples faces
All look like one

On this perfect day
The clouds take on your features
The universe, your laughter
I’m staring at the sun

Without you
I’m staring at the sun
Without you

And you’re not here
And it’s okay for now
I’ll get through it somehow
While you’re not here
And it’s okay for now
I’ll keep saying it’s a perfect day
A perfect day

On this perfect day…

How can anyone harbor so much hate? How can humanity power on while being infested, poisoned, consumed by an irrational fear towards one another? How do people still think this way? In the year 2007 it is unreasonable to imagine that people still carry hate within them, and still act out because of this hate in such a cruel, sadistic way.
I have so many questions. So many things I just don't understand about my universe, my people. So much I'm trying to grasp, wrap my brain around and I just can't. Daniellynn was on the front cover of the news paper. The nauseating tragedy at VA Tech had 1/3 of that page. Priorities.
I don't understand my world. I don't understnd how people think. How can a human harm another human? How can inflicting pain make it okay? How are things fixed? Nothing is fixed. The world is broken. The world is in complete disorder. Infernal disorder.
Don Imus. Had he waited a week, he'd still be on the air. However, the fact that he has no filter, no concept of human dignity, right and wrong, bothers me. The fact that he thinks in such an archaic, uneducated way is frightening. I never listened to his show, now i don't have to.
I don't do politics. I'm trying. I don't do news or current events. I'm trying. I've realized that the news gets me angry. The news scares me, it forces me to question. I'm becoming concerned. Concern is important, it means your eyes are opened.
I'm just so confused by this world, by the people in it. By the thoughts they have, and the things they do. By war. By fire. By death. By hate. I'm confused by so much. Why why why