The Perks of Being a Cuban.

As we grow, we lose that innocence. Our intuition fails us and we make mistakes. WE make choices every day that shape who we are and will be. As we grow we lose sight of what we were, and the people that were once there. We push those people aside, they simply do not fit in with our new image. They represent the past, the innocence I guess. We are adults now, or we believe we are. Invincible. Infallible. Terribly flawed in denial. We exaggerate, we over react, we under react. We ignore consequence or thought process. Until hopefully it all clicks.
The people who were there for you may still be there, waiting. They may not be. We don't know, we pretend not to care. Adult's wouldn't care, we lie to ourselves. For what? For maturity. For acceptance. For independence. From what the past represents. We repress our pasts, so as to not regress, and loss all the hardheadedness and hardheartedness we have managed to gain on our search for adulthood. We're grown ups... We swear.
It's all very stupid. I've seen it too often. I've lost many whom I've cared for. Many who once cared for me. I've lost them to the idea of adulthood, to the word, to the feeling. They lose sight of who they are and try to do some growing. Why is it that as I grow, I keep looking back while also looking forward. Childhood and adolescence are so ephemeral and fugitive, I feel it's essential to hold onto those who've made these journeys with you. Rather than letting them go and make the journey with new less recognizable people. That journey becomes lonely and empty. Fill that journey towards knowledge and adulthood with your past and your present, the future will transition itself easier that way. That's just how I feel.

I believe that I may be at fault
I believe that I’m the one to blame
Putting myself down at times
At fault for all your pain
I can’t just let it go

I believe that I’m too hard on myself
Beating myself up for what you’ve lost
Looking inside of myself
To see it all go wrong

It’s easier to blame me
And to hate myself at times
It’s easier to be guilty
And that way I won’t hate who you’ve become

I’m to blame, can’t you see
It’s easy do you see
To blame me, and save you
Mistakes are in the past
Long forgotten…

I believed that I could save the world
I believed I was a helpful ear
Gave myself too much credit
Can’t even save myself
My intuition fails me
I can’t save you from yourself
I can’t imagine how you’re doing
And you’re too far gone to be found

And
I’m to blame, can’t you see
It’s better this way
To blame me, and find you
It will never be the same
Long forgotten…

Automatically
I just think of you
Since the day you left
That’s all I can do

Waiting without knowing kills me, I hope you realize
And impatiently I wait to look at your eyes
And every single day I cry deep inside of me
There’s no way to live without you here with me

Though I seem invincible
It’s fatal and essential
That you return
Return to me
Return, Oh
This pain is suffocating
Now I sit here still expecting
For you to you return
You to return
Return
Why do you torture me so?

Inevitably
I am without peace
What’s become of me
Since our final kiss

You say I have no reason to react this way
That you’ve made your choice
And to be out of your way
But I’m not ready to break the ties that bind you to me
Be considerate; I’m suffering can’t you see

Though I seem invincible
It’s fatal and essential
That you return
Return to me
Return, Oh
This pain is suffocating
Now I sit here still expecting
For you to you return
You to return
Return
Why do you torture me so?

Translated from Bebe's "Tu Silencio"

Like jumping off a cliff without a rope
You fall you fall you fall, you fall
Like accidentally getting too close
You shut your eyes to avoid

That the air’s like glass
Ready to crack
And though it’s strange I want you to be mine
That the air’s like glass
Ready to crack
And though it’s strange I want you to be mine

Like a wave that surrenders to a rock
You are crushed and silenced by your words and thoughts

And now I’m not here
And now you’re not here
Our silence is the most eloquent lie.
And now I’m not here
And now you’re not here
Our silence is the most eloquent lie.

My silence lives within yours
And within me lives
A distant piece of you
My silence lives within yours
And within my eyes lives
A fading piece of you
And now that you’re here
And now that I’m here
Hold me so that I may think of you again
And now that you’re here
And now that I’m here
Hold me so that I may think of you again

The air’s like glass
Ready to crack
Though my lips don’t speak
I want you back

Why do I try so hard. I mess up so hard and can't pick up the pieces. it's so frustrating. and i end up losing.


Why try
To be heard
Whisper softly
Go unheard
And try again and again
Endlessly

Keep on
Going unheard
Whisper softly
Apologizing
Trying harder
Uselessly

So I whisper and I scream
Going crazy and it seems
That I am wasting my breath
Tearing at the seams
From a whisper to a scream

Waiting
To be heard
Screaming loudly
Impatiently
Wasting time after time
Till the end

So I whisper and I scream
Going crazy and it seems
That I am wasting my breath
Tearing at the seams
From a whisper to a scream

In this time of reflection on the past year, my family always forces us to say aloud what we're thankful for. It's always the same every year, a family, friends, bonds, togetherness. But we never really think about that until we hold hands in a circle. All throughout the year we are burdened by bills and dates and deadlines and dilemmas. We are under pressure, so much that we refuse to stop and give thanks for what we cannot control. So are we ever truly thankful aside from this one day every year? I think so. The thanks is implied in the kind words we do have time to share. I'm thankful for the bonds I've managed to keep in tact with friends, though far away. Though we have so much going on in our lives , so many changes, so may memories still unknown, we mange to keep in touch. I hope to never wonder how a best friend may be doing. I always want to know how they are. I'm thankful for awareness. Every night I pray to be kept aware that I am blessed despite things that may cause me to feel otherwise. I'm thankful that I have such a strong support system, parents, siblings, cousins, old teachers, friends. People who believe I can do anything when I am in complete doubt of myself and my worth. I'm thankful for so many things I would never know I was had I not written this down. We forget, we take for granted, we ignore our feelings and ourselves until we are forced. I guess subconsciously we all procrastinate, even for good things.

the recent images of fidel castro have Cubans making bets, making plans, cashing in jars of pennys for plane tickets... this seems too goodto be true. i'm so excited to see whats going to happen to my little country. it will be such a tremendous timne, historically. i'm still unsure of the outcome. his death was something we cynically have been awaiting for decades. now that it is near, it's hard to believe. it's something that's always thought about, dreamt about, but now, i'm a little afraid. things could be worse. things could also be better, and make every livinfg cuban, and also those who sadly never witnessed this day, dreams come true. it's a tremendous time, i'm so worried/thrilled/nervous/ecstatic. I can't wait to make my pilgrimage.

Esta la cosa bien difícil para celebrar
No tienen lechón pa’ azar
Ni arbolito de Navidad
Es que esta la cosa bien difícil para festejar
Dicen que el Niñito llora
A ver su gente no gozar

No tienen nada pa’ comprar
Ni tienen con que regalar
No tienen ganas de bailar
Con lo sofocantes que están

Es que esta la cosa bien difícil para celebrar
No tienen de comer esta Navidad
Esta la cosa bien mal para olvidar
Que se han huido llorando
Dejándolo toda al azar

No tienen razón pa’ cantar
Ni tienen con que regalar
No tienen ganas de bailar
Con lo atrapados que están

Aunque esté la cosa bien difícil esta Navidad
Se ponen a hablar, y a nostalgiar
No necesitan regalos, se ponen a soñar
De libertad y alegría
Y un arbolito de Navidad.

I have no words. Which apparently I don't need a blog to prove-- just an essay. I got my first essay back today, and it totally crushed my spirit and my confidence. Writing was the only thing I had, I thought, over some people. I could turn a phrase, and write a killer sentence. I had my own style, my own cadence. I knew how to flow. I I I I I . Repetetive. It's like all the praise I've reciweved about my writing could possibly be false. It's? It what? Vague Pronouns. I'm feeling an overwhelming sense of uselessness, overthinking things. But I'm so goal oriented and so many of my goals have to do with my (in)ability to write. And if I'm not as good as I feel I am, or as others have told me I am, then where now? Maybe I am Stockton material. Maybe I think too much of myself. I may be no better than the changelings. I'm mediocre. I'm an averge writing with an average capacity towards knowledge. When you are constantly being reminded of your talent, or your gift as Walter put it, and meet someone who thinks you're giftless, talentless, "stupid", it's shocking, and shattering. When he gave me back my essay he said "youre not stupid" which hints that he thhought I was. My essays showed glimmrs of promise. My essays for Walter showe d "glimmers of brilliance" fucking brilliance. Where did that all go? Where am I supposed to go? I'm so confused.

Cierras los ojos
Para ignorar
Que esta vida es llena
De llanto y soledad

Estrechas los brazos
Te pones a volar
Fuera de esta vida
Persiguiendo la verdad

Das reino suelto a lo que sientes
Te pones a llorar al no sentir
Buscas otra vida en vez de este
Te pones a llorar al no vivir

Hoy no se encuentra nada
Caminas, caminas, sin parar
Hoy buscas lo perdido
Buscas lo bailado, y lo reído
Y estalla tu corazón
Por lo que no se ha vivido

Pasas por frío
Para poder sentir
Algo de la vida
Algo físico, algo emocional

Te encierres por dentro
No dejas a nadie entrar
Desde el día que te fuiste
Todo se puso a cambiar

Das reino suelto a lo que sientes
Te pones a llorar al no sentir
Buscas otra vida en vez de este
Te pones a llorar al no vivir

Hoy no se encuentra nada
Caminas, caminas, sin parar
Hoy buscas lo perdido
Buscas lo bailado, y lo reído
Y estalla tu corazón
Por lo que no se ha vivido

Hoy te encuentras con nadie
Ignoras, ignoras, y pierdes
Hoy buscas a un amigo
Y los ha perdido todos
Y estalla tu corazón solitario
Por todo lo que has perdido.

Crossroads. Confusion. Uncertainty. I've been worried about this day since May 2006. And November 2 is fast approaching and I remain unprepared. THE OC GREYS ANATOMY THE OC GREYS ANATOMY. I love them both. Openly. McSleepy could laugh if he wishes. He hasnt yet. But he LOLed at Greys the first time we met. Thats when Istopped talking to him. "Youre all invited to bite me"-Phoebe Buffay. It feels weird to have to wait a day to watch the OC, which brought me joy each and every thursday night and happily filled the gaping gaping hole in my heart left when my FRIENDS walked down the hallway of my life forever. The OC was good! and jucier than Friends, thugh not as funny. Greys is better than the OC. But Im not ready to give up on my Summer just yet. And when the season DOES end, I'll feel very very sad. I may cry the tears I couldnt shed for FRIENDS.

I miss quiet.

.... Prefiero despertar. Except for today. Today,for the first time in a long time, I want to sleep. I have been criticizing and mocking sleepers for so long, those who crawl out of bed and thrash around their bedsheets as the sunlight beams onto them. But today, I want to be a sleeper. I want to ignore deadlines and duedates and classes. I want to roll around ymy beechsheetsand rather than mock sleepers for sleeping I want to mock themfor not having such comfortable bedding. I want to do sick things. I want to drink juice and be brought food by old Cubans named Abuelo and Abuela and cough up phleghm into a trashcan that is not shared and watch DVDs and TV Land and and and. Dorms are not soothing. They are not comforting. They are not eas y places to be sick in. It is hard to focus and hard to get rid of a headache when the changelings WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO for no reason. they WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO out of lack of knowing any other word. Tonight, I stare at my bed, my comfortable sheets, my extremely soft furry target blanket, and my puffy comforter. Its taunting me. But the huge amount of postits stuck to my wall with dates and projects laughs at it, because the post its know they are winning. and my bed and i are sad that we cannot be together.

Dear coffee maker. Today, you are my best friend. i want nothing more than to have you give off sweet deep smells as i lay in bed and watch Grey's Anatomy. That day, dear coffee-maker, would be absolutely perfect. What would make it even better is if my bed were the only bed in this room. but i must share. I have to share noise, space, and sweet coffee-smelling air. I'm not good at sharing. i was always yelled at in school for it. But ihave been considerate. I do not play my music while the unnamed is in here. Yet he plays his. This may surprise you, (readers, not coffeemaker, though I still love you boo) but I do not enjoy Eminem, 50 Cent, or all sound same yelly rock music. This is very frustrating, he sucks at sharing as well, and is not considerate. I should stop trying.

As long as I'm here, it won't get any easier to leave. We all had a very bad day. It's hard to talk about, I broke my dad, or he broke me, we broke eachother. not on purpose. but he's the only person who knows what I'm going through, he knows everything and understands everything. It's a lot to handle right now.

Translated from Shakira's "No"

What’s the point in apologizing
Stop insisting to be heard
Your excuses are an outdated waste of breath
Don’t look at me longingly
With hopeless dreams of us
Lethally armed with toxic hurtful words

For the last time, I’m begging to be free
I can still feel you deep inside of me
Killing Me
At your age you proclaim maturity
You should know not to treat others like you have me

How can anyone live with so much poison
I had so much hope for you and me
Hoping we’d never be
Apart
It breaks my heart

How can anyone live with so much poison
You can’t dedicate your life
Ignoring good intentions
Ignoring all the world
Drowning in your poison

I hope you don’t expect me to expect to see you
Coming around soon
I’ve run out of what little patience I had

I drift, deciding back and forth
Searching blindingly
Maybe you’ll be bothered and leave me be

For the last time, I’m begging to be free
I can still feel you deep inside of me
Killing Me
At your age you proclaim maturity
You should know not to treat others like you have me


How can anyone live with so much poison
I had so much hope for you and me
Hoping we’d never be
Apart
It breaks my heart

How can anyone live with so much poison
You can’t dedicate your life
Ignoring good intentions
Ignoring all the world
Drowning in your poison

If I had worked harder, if i had taken things more seriously, if i were smarter and better prepred, i wouldn't be here right now. and for now, i am stuck. stuck amidst a sea of people i do not like. i've tried, believe me. i've extended myself, others have extended theirselves, and i find no one here i click to. mentally, they all lack several dozen iq points. i know i'm not smart, but i definitely do not sound stupid when i speak, i'm definitely capable of coherence in thought and sentence. they however are not. they all have stupid catch phrases like "i hear that". They're attention spans are comparable to that of a flea and the amount of effort is put more into super smash brothers than the impending deadline of a paper. they lack focus, they lack spunk, they lack personality. everything here lacks personality. everything here is just ... here. the people here just exist. they have no plans they have no goals they have o motivation. they are content with their place in the world and have no motivation, drive, or reason to move forwards. it's horrifying here. is this what the college experience is? is this what we work all our lives to arrive to? I doubt it. So for now, I'm stuck at the lopsided college experience, the world of the unmotivated, the land where time stands still. i wish i could talk to my parents, i wish i could tell them what its like here, and be completely honest. but they'd worry, they'd feel bad, and they can't do anything. I've lied, i've tried, i really did try. i really tried to make the best of a bad bad situation. but no one's clicking, nothing's happening. everyone's at the same mental capacity. i regret not doing better, i regret not applying a little out of my reach. i regret a lot of things, but most of all i regret ever agreeing to come here.

Get a sense of where I am
I come to my senses
The path that Im treading
Is winding
Is winding down
Around here
There’s nothing
Around here
There’s no one
There’s nothing

It’s me standing alone
On my own
Summing up the strength
Growing a set
And letting go
Letting go

Try to remember what I dreamt last night
Regain my sight
In the blinding sunlight
It’s clear here
I’m unclear
Where am I going
I’m unclear
What am I doing
What the hell

It’s me standing alone
On my own
Summing up the strength
Growing a set
And letting go
Letting go

That fear that’s often dreaded
Left unsaid
Left to take its toll on
Unsuspecting optimists
Like me
Had taken me over
Had tried to take over
Unsuccessfully

It’s me standing alone
On my own
Summing up the strength
Growing a set
And letting go
Letting go

The Hispanic family is a very complex beautiful thing. It should be studied, it should be envied. Not many are lucky to have what I do, and feel the love and support I feel. Not many feel so much comfort with so many people. I love my family. I cannot think what life is like without them constantly near me. I was talking to Michelle and she said that we're both so close to our families and though I'mn closer time wise, it's going to be hard fr me. Being in SF is hard for her, she thought it would get easier. but when you're raised in such a loving environment, it's hard to be alone. it's hard to be quiet, and be with no one. we're loud, we're fun. Nothing Cuban is ever quiet. And now, it's just me and the quiet. It'll take getting used to. It'll be hard being way, not seeing everybody every week for dinner or on the street. It's going to be hard not hearing everybody downstairs. It doesn't get easier when you're that close. The Latin family is close-knit. It's such a strong unbelieveable bond. Family is so important. It's going to be hard not being here for everthing now.

This is the start of a new end
Everything is just beginning
Everything is at my feet
On my shoulders

I hide away in nothing
Nowhere to be found
I’m not looking for anyone
Nobody’s even around

I’m all alone
The world’s on my back
And all I want to do is turn around
I’m all alone
Just looking back
No one that I know is still around

There’s a million ways
To go from here
To start from here
Where to now

I hide away in nothing
Nowhere to be found
I’m not looking for anyone
Nobody’s even around

I’m all alone
The world’s on my back
And all I want to do is turn around
I’m all alone
Just looking back
No one that I know is still around

I feel very aware of what's happening tomorrow. It's irritating, but it's nice to feel.

Everyone's acting like I'm dying. Like moving two hours away is a prison sentence, which I guess it sometimes can be seen as. I keep getting calls. I keep getting questions. I'm tired ofwriting about this. Tired. But it's frustrating. I'm not dying! HA HA I'm just going to school.

Always waiting for things to fall on me
Let things just happen to me
Never doing the happening
Never finding a reason to
Ever care of doing
Or even care of finding
I’ll be found when the time is right

Meet life halfway
Shake life’s hand
Figure life out
So this is what they’re always talking about

Halfway home, on my way away
From here
Halfway gone a few more days away
From seemingly free
Freedoms not all it’s cracked up to be

Lying in my comfort zone safe, home
Lying here free, and alone
Giving up too soon
Trying to find some good
In growing and
In knowing
No one’s going to care that I’ve grown anymore

Meet life halfway
Shake life’s hand
Figure life out
So this is what they’re always talking about

Halfway home, on my way away
From here
Halfway gone a few more days away
From seemingly free
Freedoms not all it’s cracked up to be

The key to surviving our transitional years, 16, 17, 18 19, is denial. As teenagers, we deny that we're scared, we deny that we want to be the best, we deny that we aren't the best. The worst thing of all, we deny the fact that we are in denial. All the lies, we lie to ourselves so much that after a while the lies start to seem like the truth. We deny so much that we can't seem to see the truth sitting right in front of us. Staring at us. Taunting us. I try to be honest,and I usually am. This is a very transitional time for me, and for about everyone in my life right now. It would be nice to hear others' truths without letting my own pick away at me. I think everyone at this age is fearful inside. "The world of pretend is a cage, not a cocoon. We can only lie to ourselves" And what good will lying do when the truth and the toll it takes on us is visible on our pale worried faces? I'm not that scared of leaving home. I'm close, I can be home quickly if it ever becomes too much. It's just, the idea, the word 'college'is intimidating and daunting. It's the last step. It's it. And if you don't make it, you're screwed. I'm scared of the burden it brings. I'm scared of what it means. And I don't ever deny it. I've been asked are you worried? Are you excited?" and I've answered both because it is both. It's such an exciting thing, it's life-changing, it's life-starting. But it's actual life. Not mommy daddy life. Not "I'll meet you in gym class" life. No more "did Mr Koszyk mention Cuba I nyour class too Rob? "Yeah and he looked at me first to see if I was okay with it" no more childishness. That's frightening. That's exciting. It's tiring to think about. It's tiring denying. We are scared. WE are tired. There's no denying, truth is unchangeable. "Welcome Weeks" across the globe are filled with pale worried kids muttering what the hell to themselves and playing with crappy food. Sooner or later, when we put aside our denial, we'll be able to face the world and be stronger for it. We'll be stronger when we are able to feel things, to experience the world honestly, emotionally. When we put aside our hardheadedness and our seemingly hardheartedness, we'll be able to face the world.

...Just thoughtful. Right now, I dont know what to think about. What lies ahead is so massive, so much to think about, so intimidating. Too much. I'm not dead inside. I just hate talking about thiings like this. College is something we've heard about since chhildren. It's been builtup into this gigantanourmous gateway portal thingy to our unknown futures. That's terrifying. I'm not dead inside. I think about shit like this. I don't like blogging about it. It's horibble to think that I won't be in class with any of the same people anymore. To think that I won't see any of my friends again until winter. Thats a ssucky thought when it's still muggy and hot outside. I'm not good at new places. I'm quiet. And what I loved about high school was for some reason I made ftiends. I don't know how they happened, but they did. And I'm sure they'll happen in college too. But for the first time I'm going there with no one. Absolutely no oe. Myspace and Facebook are my connection to the people I'm... connected... to. Fucking facespace. I hate them, but now I love them. I hope to never have to ask any of my friends "how've you been? What've you been upto?" That would been we've losttouch. That can't ever happen. Not again.

Everything’s changing
As I try to hang on
The world keeps on spinning
And they all move on

What if I held tighter
Would it make any difference
If I were stronger
I could move on

But I’m not ready
I’m still a kid inside
I’m not complicated
And I’ve got nothing to hide
Life’s not as simple
As we’ve been told
But I’m just a kid
Not ready to grow
And let go.

When I was small
I was always told
You’ll know it all
When you get old

But I still know nothing
About this here world
They’re so pulled together
And I’m still a mess

Cause I’m not ready
I’m still a kid inside
I’m not complicated
And I’ve got nothing to hide
Life’s not as simple
As we’ve been told
But I’m just a kid
Not ready to grow
And let go.

Maybe it’ll be easier
When I see that place
Maybe I’ll be stronger
If I grow and finally face
The world
Maybe when I grow
When I finally know
I’ll be okay
Until that day…

I won’t be ready
I’ll still be a kid inside
Still not complicated
Still got nothing to hide
Life’s still not as simple
As we’ve been told
But I’m still a kid
Not ready to grow
And let go.

-------------------RED----------------------
1. Closest red thing to you?:
the sheets on my bed. aren't red sheets sexy

2. Last thing to make you angry?
my dad

3. Do you have a temper?
really mean one

4. Are you a fan of romance?:
no. i hate all that lovey gooey brouhaha

-------------------ORANGE-------------------
1. Closest orange thing to you?:
my Reba DVD

2. Do you like to burn things?:
No. I've burbed food, and that makes me sad.

3. Dress up for Halloween?:
used to. last year i went as seth cohen. because i wore a blue sweater i was in costume, Robert doesnt wear blue. Seth does!

4. Are you usually a warm-hearted person?:
I can be very nice, but some see me as mean spirited. but i secretly care a lot about my friends. secretly

5. Are you usually full of energy?
after a coffee maybe

-------------------YELLOW-------------------
1. Closest yellow thing to you?
a blank VHS cover

2. The happiest time[s] of your life?
eight grade then sophomore junior and senior year. freshmen year was hard.

3.Favorite holiday:
christmas

4. Are you a coward?:
sometimes

5. Do you burn or tan?:
if i stay in the sun just the right amount of time my arms tan. my nose and face always get reddish though, which i think looks cutttttttttte ha ha

-------------------GREEN-------------------
1. Closest green thing to you?:
my post its

2. Do you care about the enviroment?:
yeah, thats the one thing i really love about my school. it's so deserted, it's all trees and clean air. yup thats the one thing ha ha

3. Are you jealous of anyone right now?:
you'd think so,, but nope

4. Are you a lucky person?
life could always be worse

5. Do you always want what you can't have?
i guess? I'm poor, i want rich people clothes? meh. I'm pretty satisfied

6. Do you like being outdoors?:
if it's clowdy. or if it's cld. or if it's just stopped raining. the smell of freshly fallen rain is the most peceful smell ever

7. Are you Irish?:
Thank God no. I can't even imagine how boring that would be. Everyone's friggin Irish.

-------------------BLUE-------------------
1. Closest blue thing to you?
Kelly's t shirt in my picture with her

2. Are you good at calming people down?:
Depends. I am good at rationalizing situations. I was told I give good advice the other day.

3. Do you like the sea?:
it's relaxing. but also gross that fish AND humans piss in it

4. What was the last thing that made you cry?
I'll never tell. I don't cry. Though I did sort of a few days ago.

5. Are you a logical thinker?:
Not at all. I'm sort of good ata planning and reasoning, but I'm way ourtt of the box.

6. Can you sleep easily?:
sadly, no.

---------------------PURPLE-------------------
1. Closest purple thing to you?:
Mom's shirt near the washing machine

2. Like being treated to expensive things?:
No i feel weird being given things. I like to give

3. Do you like mysterious things?:
Read this question, thought Jesus. Yes.

4. Favorite type of chocolate?:
Milk or white

5.re you creative?:
i like to think so.

-------------------PINK-------------------
1. Closest pink thing to you?:
my nipples

2. Do you like sweet things?:
once in a while

3. Like play-fighting?:
not particularly

4. Are you sensitive?:
only by myself

5. Do you like punk music?:
no. my roommate does, that will be exciting.

-------------------WHITE-------------------
1. Closest white thing to you?:
computer paper

2. Would you say you're innocent?:
sure. i dont think i'd do well being naugty. im not hot enough for naughty

3. Always try to keep the peace?:
depends who it involves

4. How do you imagine your wedding?
in montelchino italy. already taken? bah.

5. Do you like to play in the snow?:
ha ha yes.

6. Are you afraid of going to the doctors or dentist?:
yes

-------------------BLACK-------------------
1. Closest black thing to you?:
my hoodie

2. Ever enjoy hurting people?:
emotionally? i used to. i've mellowed. they dont cry (on the outside) anymore

3. Are you sophisticated or silly?:
both, a time and place for everything

4. Would you like to go to space?:
if i didnt have to learn science

5. Do you have a lot of secrets?:
yes. not intentionally, i just don't offer up information to people so easily.

6. What is your favorite color?:
brown red gray green

7. Does the color you wear affect your mood?
brown? shitty mood? he he

I feel just like a failure
So much I could have done
I felt you drift away
I saw you run run run

Into his arms like he could save you
Into his world like it was safe
Into his heart like he could make you
Or break you
Help you
So much to say to you

Never mind
You won’t listen anyway
Never mind
His word is your gospel
Never mind
What can I say
When he’s told you
There’s nothing to tell
Never mind

You keep trying to outrun
The loose ends of your past
You try not to remember
Moving on so fast

Into his arms like he could save you
Into his world like it was safe
Into his heart like he could make you
Or break you
Help you
So much to say to you

Never mind
You won’t listen anyway
Never mind
His word is your gospel
Never mind
What can I say
When he’s told you
There’s nothing to tell
Never mind

Trying to find a reason
Trying to get to you
Trying to find a way to break on through
And when you realize it
And when you can’t deny it
You’ll see me
Once your eyes are dry
Until then

Never mind
He’s’ your gospel truth
Never mind
He’s put his burden all on you
Never mind
What can I do
When he’s told you
I never tell the truth
Never mind

I’m frozen by the fear
That you’re lost inside yourself
You’re trapped and so unclear
Spiraling into someone else

Something isn’t right
Take me anywhere tonight
Anywhere into the light
So I can save you tonight

Thoughtlessness takes over
As you quickly come undone
Looking for a lover
However it may come
You’re trying to find him, searching
Losing, Missing
Wanting
Wanting to be loved

You’ve tried to guard yourself
By letting no one in
You hide away within yourself
Blue is the color you dream in

Something isn’t right
Let’s go anywhere, take flight
Anywhere into the night
So I can save you tonight

Thoughtlessness takes over
As you quickly come undone
Looking for the heart of a lover
In whatever form it comes
You’re trying to find him, searching
Losing, Missing
Wanting
Wanting to be loved

What once was won’t be again
Have faith in tomorrow
Moving on to another end
Don’t let him haunt you
Anymore
Looking for love, losing a friend
Looking to someone hollow inside
Finding a new beginning’s end
Don’t let him hurt you
Anymore

I’ll learn to ignore
Learn not to involve anymore
Of myself in your
Foolish childish games

Pretend
I know nothing
But I know more about the world
You’re getting yourself into
Than you do
I know
I swear I do

You don’t have to listen
Of course you never do
You don’t have to care
It’s down to him and you
I’m through
Even though I know more than you

Wholeheartedly you protest
You know the world, the cruel world
You claim maturity
Naivety gets in your way

I’ll Pretend
I know nothing
But I know more about his world
You’re getting sucked into
Than you do
I know
I swear I do

And when your life is a burden
When his walls his claws close in
I know you’ll confess though you protest
It’s always been about him
I know

You don’t have to listen
Of course you never do
You don’t have to care
It’s down to him and you
I’m through
Even though I know more than you

When the world
Turns their back
When there’s nowhere to turn
When all you can do
Is pack up and go home

I’ll still be here
You call I’ll be there
Pick up the pieces of your broken world, your soul
Your shattered lonely heart
I’ve been here from the start

What’ve we learned
In a cruel world
Where to we go when there’s nowhere to lean
Look what we’ve earned
For our mistakes
When no one is around for you to be heard
We crash and burn

When your strength
Is all you got
Once there’s nothing else left
When the truth reveals
Itself to you

I’ll still be here
You call I’ll be there
Pick up the pieces of your broken world, your soul
Your shattered lonely heart
I’ve been here from the start

What’ve we learned
In a cruel world
Where to we go when there’s nowhere to lean
Look what we’ve earned
For our mistakes
When no one is around for you to be heard
We crash and burn

You’re running running
As the walls cave in
You’re crashing crasing
Never giving in
Burning burning
Trying to find your way
Run away
Save your life today

What’ve you learned
In a cruel world
Where to you go when there’s nowhere to lean
Look what you’ve earned
For your mistakes
When no one is around for you to be heard
You crash and burn
I’ll pick up the pieces.

I hide away
I’m a closed book
I laugh when I know I shouldn’t
She moved away
That’s all it took
Tried to hold on but I just couldn’t

I’m fearless now
I’m stronger now
At least that’s what I tell her
She’ll never know how
She won’t know how
This all happened because of her

My life just unwound
My world tumbled down
Destruction all around
She’s nowhere to be found

Thought I was lost
I was confused
Thought freedom was loneliness
The paths we’ve crossed
The things we lose
It’s all just meaningless

Bitter no more
Worried no more
She can handle things herself
Half opened door
Memories on the floor
Memories of someone else

My life just unwound
My world tumbled down
Destruction all around
She’s nowhere to be found

Go ahead
I’m okay
Do what you have to
Knowing what I know
Losing you’s okay

Go ahead
Run away
Tired of chasing you
Catching up to shadows
And losing my way

My life just rewound
Rebuilding what you tore down
Destruction all around
I was lost now I’m found

The days drag on
Drag on
And the sun shines on
Shines on
It’s glow makes fun
Fun of me
Taunts me

Haunting me
You haunt me
I see you everywhere I go
Wanting to let go
Of four years ago

Where did we go wrong
When did we pick sides
No one let me know
We had begun some stupid fight
Stupid stupid me
Optimistic fool
Thinking I’d get through
To you

I should move on
Move on
We didn’t get along
Along
Confusing friends
With enemies
You and me

Are you happy
You haunt me
I see you everywhere I go
Wanting to let go
Of four years ago

Where did we go wrong
When did we pick sides
No one let me know
We had begun some stupid fight
Stupid stupid me
Optimistic fool
Thinking I’d get through
To you

I’ll never forget you
Though I should try to
Moving on, letting go
At least trying to
Be as strong
As you

Where did we go wrong
When did we pick sides
No one let me know
We had begun some stupid fight
Stupid stupid me
Optimistic fool
Thinking I’d get through
To you

I think the world's biggest geniuses, the worlds most brilliant minds, are often deranged, wacky, or slightly off. Ray Lamontagne is the most brilliant songwriter ever, and he looks like a serial killer. His writing is raw, uninhibited, honest, and gut wrenching. He seems reclusive, quiet, but that is the sign of brilliance isn't it. Who's that poet that locked herself in her room and wrote the most depressing collection of writing ever? I forget, but it seems like being wacky and reclusive is usually hand in hand with brilliance. he's been on tour this summer with a band called Guster (pop rock with fans like the ones DMB would have. You know, the drunk idiotic frat boys). So, Ray has been getting no respect during his set. Drunk frat boys talking the whole time. Lately he has been storming off stage, mid-song, before the end of his set. Sometimes throwing his guitar and muttering things. The worst was a couple nights ago when he said (I kid you not) to some guy who was just laughing in the crowd: "We have a fuck in the audience. You must think the blues are funny. I suppose you'd rather be at home drinking beers, waiting for your children to get old enough to rape." So yeah, check out his CD n the comfort of your living room, where the brilliant artist can't scare you.

Who am I to tell you
Where you should be heading
What am I to you
I thought I was more

I keep on roaming, I keep on treading
I keep on thinking worrying dreading
Doom is impending, we lose and keep moving
But I’m not ready to move on

Maybe it’ll stop burning
If I just ignore you
Maybe I should stop caring
About what he does to you
Maybe then I’ll start sleeping
Without dreaming of you
With me
Maybe then I’ll be happy

Where’d he take you to
How are you feeling
What can I do
How is he treating you

I keep on fearing I keep questioning
All the decisions that you’ve been making
What is that something your life is missing
I’ve missed you for so long

Maybe it’ll stop burning
If I just ignore you
Maybe I should stop caring
About what he does to you
Maybe then I’ll start sleeping
Without dreaming of you
With me
Maybe then I’ll be happy

I haven’t slept in days
Figuring out just what to say
To you

Maybe if I don’t let it burn
Maybe if I ignore you
Maybe if I stop caring
You’ll start missing me too

You’re still somewhere
I see pieces scattered everywhere I go
You’re everywhere
Taking over every thought I know

I know its forever
I’ll never see you again
But I can’t ever
Let the fact that you’re gone set in

I’ll keep you here
In my mind the memories are still happy
I’ll hold you near
I’ll keep the things you left here to remind me
That You
And Me
Are Broken

Do you remember
All the times we laughed until we cried
But now forever
The tears still comes the laughter subsides

Subsided, we’re shattered
I still don’t know why
Our memories scattered
My rooms a capsule of our precious time

I’ll keep you here
In my mind the memories are still happy
I’ll hold you near
I’ll keep the pain you left to remind me
That You
And Me
Are Broken

What the hell did I do wrong
And Why the hell didn’t I try
I see you everywhere I go
In my thoughts and dreams I am with you
I only wish that you could see me
Or maybe at least try to hear me
Crying out to you

I’ve kept you here
In my mind the memories are fading
I’ve held you near
I’ve finally had enough of waiting
You
And Me
Are Broken

And it took this long to finally set in.

i saw at orientation everyone had the fear. everyone had too much fear to eat. too much fear to talk. too much fear to sit beside on another and make eye contact. i was shocked that i , the shyest and most fearful of all, had the least amount of the fear. I still had too much fear to eat. but thats normal, i never eat

it's a good fear. it's firey, it's exciting. fear can often be good. sometimes we need fear to motivate ourselves, get our blood pumping and our asses up from life's la z boy. I'm scared, which isnt new, i'm always scared or unsure. but for once it's a good scared. as much as i hate change and disorder and all things unknown, this is good. moving forard is good. that rascall flatts song actually means something now, and damn if it doesnt always get me more scared. i like it though, it's poignant.
i think right now we're all scared. by we i mean my old classmates. the alumni. dun dun dun. i think we're all talk. All big men, excited to breakaway from mommy and daddy's cocoon, even though our wings may not have completely formed yet. we know they haven't, and we're scared. we would never admit that to anyone, somettimes not even ourselves. because we are men (like the mulan song). i don't feel like a man yet. sure all my bits and pieces work like a man's are expected to. but i'm still just a kid inside. unsure, awkward, sarcastic, with a secret sickening optimism.
the fear is good, we need the fear. if we didn't have the fear we'd be robots. we don't know what our future brings. where we belong. where we're going. sure we have dreams. then we'll have plans. then when all of that goes to crap what? then what? the fear. the fear doesn't go away. it keeps us going. it's a fire in your belly, its that feeling like you're gonna pee before you go ona rollercoaster. it's exciting.

I'm slowly become a foodie. Blog updates will be few now because its the summertime and well, what do I have to complain about. I get to sleep, watch TV and "explore my new exotic pleasure " (credit: Shakira) COOKING. For a long while I had a kitchen phobia. I was afraid I'd never learn and when I did I'd be very bad. But I'm not so bad. Once in a while I do ruin meals, I have burned onions, and despite what some say burnt onions are not still eatable. (though they smell increible, Yum O). But burning and ruining is how you learn. And I'm definitely learning. Watching as much food TV as I do, I've learned technique. No it's not all about the eye-candy, and by eye candy I mean that sexy piece of arse Madame Paula Deen. I'm really learning, and I'm good at this. I like when I'm good at something, and I love even more when Dan is NOT good at the thing that I am good at.

Keeps the juices flowing

Diego skipped barefoot thtough his paved backyard, whihch was'nt really a backyard as much as it was a 20 x 20 patch of brick and weeds. His mother laughed at him through a window in the kitchen, an ancient dusty fan buzzed and blew against the tshirt that stuck to her sweaty back. She laughed because Diego wasnt skipping like most kids do, he was doing it involuntarily, it was too hot to keep his feet on the brick for too long and "too hot to wear sneakers." In the yard, Diego could see his classmates and their younger siblings playing in open hydrants, getting yelled at by policemen, and then getting beaten by their parents for making them open the hydrant to begin with. A man was sitting in his car with all four doors opened, blasting a heavy-bass version of Hips Don't Lie by Shakira. He bobbed his head and wiped the sweat off his greasy brow, winked at girls who danced down the street to the songs infectious sound, flashed his gold tooth, and frowned as they laughed and ran away. "Oye Diente Midas" Diego hears from a distance, they're calling the gilded toothed one, "Vamos a freir huevos!" He jumps out of his car, Shakira still looping, and crouches down on the sidewalk. Three men gather around and toss eggs on the street. One man in a headband and wifebeater is holding the pepper. The egg however runs down the sidewalk, away from the men and slowly drips into a drain along the curb. "Caramba, queria huevos".

I'm so schizophrenic. Constant back and forth, can't make up my mind, total illogical patterns of thought. I finally made my decision.. Chestnut Hill. It may be the biggest mistake of my life, I'm so unsure about every choice I make and step I take. I'm growing up, but would rather stay home, eat cookies for breakfast, snuggle in my bed and watch Disney movies. Other times, however I feel like being independent, going against the grain, going insane, going mad. Other times I drive myself completely bonkers with how inconsistent I am, and how illogical my loopy mind really is. I have no maturity level, as I write this deep adult meaningful blog kinda really want to see the movie with the talking animals that was just advertized on TV. I hate big changes, I hate not knowing. But then sometimes I hate knowing, I hate predictanility, but feel completely unssafe with unpredictability. Before I was scared not knowing where I'd end up, now I'm scared of where I'll be. I'm weird. I'm so excitd to break away and start a new chapter in my life, but I really wish I was more sure of myself and my decisions.

I really hate that bitch Shonda Rhimes for playing Anna Nalicks whole CD on Grey's Anatomy, and also want to have sex with her for a) writing such a great show and b) opening my ears to sch an amazingly talented artist. I'm looping her song Wrexk of the Day. It's a brilliant and passionate song, I love those songs that are so open to interpretation. Her heart is plopped onto the cutting board, and isn't beating anymore, she has tragically and beautifully given up on love if she cannot be with this one particular guy. She writes about destiny, prayer and the tragedy of a love lost. She's so hopelless and torn into pieces, it's so beautiful and sad. She's so lonely, I kinda wanna do her.

With spring creeping in and making everything all sticky coomes the complete loss of motivation. I managed to make my steinbeck paper one page doubled spaced of complete suckking. Im just not feeling Grapes of Wrath anymore, even the characters suck. And I will admit I didenjoy writing about Steinbeck's chacters as they were always very complex. but Grapes is just... wandering. Its just them leaving their farm. I think i hear bats outside my window. Tandom but thats a vey strange sound. Like a dying chihuahua on helium? I can't describe it. Its a freaky sound. I don't like postingh mywriting on here cause it isnt good. But I don't know what else to post here. Im not very introspective or angry lately. I'm still cold and snarky, but no need to blog aout that. Now it seems I have o keep this forever, as an homage to a blog that was once my motivation to blog and has since been abandomed and deleted. RIP!

This may be the first thing I've ever written that's remotely funny. First story is about Ross from friends when he gets stood up. Second is about some person I know..... I wated to try writing something with such a serious title that turned out to be really ridiculous and ironic and funny. I'm getting better at comedy, not quite FUNNY yet

Tragedy and Misery

She’s an hour late
As you sit and wait
You sit, drink and wallow alone
Doesn’t it feel great?
On your first blind date
Joe’s Pizza picks up when you call her phone

Maybe she came
Maybe she saw you
Maybe she left then and there
You’ve been fake-numbered
You pitiful fool
Get up from that table; they’re starting to stare

Your life is nothing but plain ole tragedy
You wallow alone in self-loathing misery
Well I’m sorry life sucks, but please complain to another
Truth is I set you up with my mother
She’s been kinda lonely, thought I’d throw her a bone
One look at that pitiful pile, she was done.

He was so lonely
And she was the only
One who would notice him at all.
She said “I love you” in a letter
She tried and tried, he didn’t let her
Now she’s worse than him and has no friends at all.

Her life is nothing but plain ole tragedy
She sits and waits for him, miserably
Sorry life sucks, might you have a brother?
Cause your lover’s type isn’t far from yours either.
Now you’re kind of lonely, and that was a low blow
But your little boy toy wants his own beau.

Call it irony, call it tragedy
But problems follow these ill-fated fools.
Try to feel sorry for their misery
Try not to laugh at how their stories unfold
Try to sympathize, try to feel pity
Don’t hold it in or you might explode.

I don't like surveys. I only did that one before just to make fun of Dan's cutter poontang. But I really like that the questions on this thing arent retarded.

1. If you could have anything delivered to your doorstep each morning, what would it be? i hate the mornings, so i don't need anything but coffee. hm but delivered? Kona haha

2. What is one vacation destination that many people think is just fabulous but which you personally have no desire to visit (or revisit)? Australia. Hmm. no I take it back. I really want to go everywhere, even London. I'll go to London and go ga ga over the accents and not eat for days. Like Kelly's first London visit, I'll just eat bread.

3. If you were five years younger but knew everything at that age that you've actually learned over the last five years, what is one thing you would definitely do differently?Let's see, I was 12. That was when I went to school with girls, though underdevloped back then hehe. So... lose my virginity at 12.

4. If you could wake up to one smell every morning (besides coffee) what would it be? BACON!! I love whe the smell of bacon makes its way all throughout the house and into my roooom

5. Suppose that right now you could be at your favorite vacation spot, reading your favorite book, listening to your favorite CD, and eating your favorite food. What would be your choices for those four categories, and who, if anyone, would be with you?
Spot: Plaza Mayor, Salamanca
Book: Girl Like Che, or Love Monkey
CD: Unwrapped or Destiny by Gloria Estefan.
Food: Chicken Parm
Who: A very select number of friends that I know I could completely be myself around.

6. Which animated character is your all-time favorite? Wakko Warner of The Animaniacs.

7. How do you think you will look in 10 years? Still short! Maybe a little facial hair. Definately a tattoo. Probably less hair but still kinda long. I'll be 27, that's sort of adult, so medium length shaggy hair.

8. If you had to write a brief message on a dollar bill that many people would eventually see as the currency circulates, what message would you write? this money's cursed. americans are paranoid but would still use it. Hispanics would take it to the crazy spiritist on the corner for a cleansing, pray a rosary, light a candle... then use it.

9. If you could own a home on the shore of any body of water in the world, which waterfront would you choose? Is Hawai'i on the Pacific? Cause that's where I'm living.

10. Suppose you had the opportunity to choose 3 people with whom to eat dinner: a famous sports figure, a movie star and a popular singer. Who would you choose?
Athlete: One of the 2 volleyball winning girls from the 2004 summer olympics. Forgot their names, watched them on mute.
Actor: reba! i need someone fun and talkatie at dinner.
Singer: gloria estefan. not just cause it's her, shes a really interesting person.
TV Chef: Rachael Ray! Need I say more!? She'll cook. Yum-O!

11. You've been asked to create a brand new road sign that will be put up on streets throughout your town. People in your town will be expected to obey it just as they would any other road sign. What will your new sign command drivers to do? lower te bass of your pimped out steros please. word up y'all.

12. What serves as the greatest motivation for you in your daily life?being cuban... really. its inspirational and makes me proud. i like seeing so many cubans who came from nothing strive to so much, and that gives me a little hope.

13. What activity that you have to do every once in a while do you dread the most? gym class?

14. If you were a multimillionaire, what do you believe you would be doing at this very moment? the maid.

15. If you could have a cookie jar full of anything you wanted, except money or cookies, what would it be filled with? porn. Could that work? jars of porn? i could patent it... don't steal that. Patent Pending. Jar of Porn ©

16. When people hear what you do for a living, what is the most typical question or comment they give you regarding your job?"oooh a senior! gettin' ready for college huh?"

17. What lesson do you believe we must continuously try to master day after day? be colorblind. God is. don't be a racist moron. also, be an indiidual. try to stand apart from the crowd in a world that strives to make us all the same. don't be a robot and don't ever be easily influenced by others.

18. What is the most fascinating object in the sky? airplanes. How do they fly? "It has something to do with wind"-Monica Gellar.

19. What is the most boring speech you ever heard in person? I remember blacking out during a few homilys. Especially altar serving. I used to sit by the mic and one time, Fr Atillio was choking and in a thick italian accent turned o me, half asleep and said "Watah! I Need Watah!" and you know that laugh where you try to hold it in and it ends u coming out from your throat like a snort sort of but not. Yeah that echoed through the entire church. Then Deacon Tom got the water.

20. If you could have any round object in the world, what spherical item would you want? a bowling ball cause i used to be good... with gutter-guards. even without, i usually beat everyone.

21. If you were left alone for one hour with nothing more than a pen and a notepad, what would you be inclined to draw or write during those 60 minutes? i'd try writing a story. then i'd practice my signature.

22. If you could witness anything at all in super-slow motion, what would you want to see? I'll steal the person's answer cause it's a great one. Jesus walking on water

23. If you had to live out of the country for the next couple of years, what aspect of your new environment do you think you would find the most satisfying? If I'm in Spain, how laid back everyone is. They have naptime. I's like kindergarden, without the power ranger's sleeping bag.

24. Suppose you're at a party where you meet an alert and astute 100 year old person. Since everyone wants to talk to this person, you only have time to ask one question. What would you ask? what did you point your furniture at before TV?

25. Aside from your family, friends or pets, what would be the most difficult thing for you to give up in your life? my dvds and my computer. oh and my tivo. Love You Tivo

26. What is one profession that you never pursued but that you think you would probably have been quite good at? pornstar.

27. In one sentence, what do you believe is the secret to life? honesty

28. If someone were looking for you in a bookstore, in what section would they be most likely to find you? fiction and the tinylittle hispanic section/

29. Over the last 200 years or so, the world has advanced and changed in many ways. Nonetheless, can you think of at least one aspect of life that has remained virtually unchanged throughout the last two centuries? sex doesn't change right. It's always Tab A into Slot B, can't really advance that.

30. What do you forget to do more often than anything else? clean my room. comb my hair.

31. If you could teach everyone in the world one skill, what would it be? spanish. or the 5 paragraph essay! NERD! I love me

32. Rank the four seasons in order from your favorite to least favorite. winter, fall, spring, summer

33. In your own opinion, what is your most likeable quality? I'm honest and H I L A I O U S

34. Suppose a furniture company offered to make you a special chair to order. Instead of the standard upholstery, you would choose any fruit's skin or rind to cover your chair in. What would it be? which is the fuzzy fruit, kiwi.

35. What is something you used to love to do but have outgrown or gotten tired of? video games.

All I’ll Ever Be

 

Who do they think

Who do they think I am? And why do they care?

Why do they think I’ve got so much inside?

So much to hide?

 

Really, no secret’s safe with me.

Cause I have nothing left to keep

Nothing within

That’s worth hiding

And you

I really have no need for you

Or anyone looking to

Save me

Looking to define me

 

Maybe I’ve got something deep inside

Maybe one day I’ll regret

All those tears I haven’t cried

But for now I’m fine with who I am

Fine with not giving a damn

Maybe that’s me

Maybe that’s all I’ll ever be

 

I'm not very good at poetry. But I wrote this because I really don't like how I have no emotion. How I have virtually one layer. Sure I'm sad once in a while, but not wehen I should be. I'm uncomdortable with sadness, and I think I'm dead insisde. It's scary. People think I'm deepm, like I have so much inside that's boittled. It's so odd that this is all I've got