I want to write again! And I'm also a jerk. 2 blogs in one, kiddoes!1 comments Ideas are brewing, tell me this is a good thing! I haven't been reading enough, which is always what motivated me to write. I just read a really shitty short story, but it got me thinking of many possibilities that have to do with my own stories. Things are spawning and hatching in my brain, and it's a feeling I've missed very much.
I used to write a lot in high school, and i remember the greatest writing week ever was the week I had detention. Detention was a 40 minute period before or after school that was complete silence. I was left with my thoughts! I'd run to my locker and write down all the ideas that had plowed through my imagination during that quiet time. It was a very fruitful and creative week! And the resulting stories, or beginnings of stories, are a few of my favorite pieces to this day. Hey, Readers, don't ask for any of these because you all know I sent them to you back in the day! They're in all your Rob folders, Alona-- you better still have your Rob folder!!! Karrie, please organize your Rob folder, yours is the biggest one I'm sure. So that's where my headspace is. Rather than taking notes on my readings, I want to abandon them altogether and create readings of my own. My only wish is that 60 years from now, there isn't a sarcastic 21 year old with awkward hair dissecting and evaluating my writing for all that it is not! Because that takes the fun out of reading and is why I've come to loathe higher education! I've been an asshole for 2 weeks. I get that, and I k now I've neglected people. And I know I've been weird and standoffish, confrontation or contentious. I guess I'm fed up with a lot of things. Living at home is getting harder, I'm getting older and the feeling of permanence and "stuck-titude" that this house gives off is frightening and disheartening. I've been sleeping in the same bedroom since before I could walk. Going to school is getting harder. I've had to explain why I'm not graduating this May to too many people. It sucks very much to see my best friends graduating while I still have no idea when I am able to. This does not mean I'm not proud or excited for them! I love them to death and I'm so glad they get to move on. But honestly, I'm jealous, and it feels bad to be left behind in this chapter, as they go start a new one. I've been a part of them for 8 years, it's scary to do this alone. My brain doesn't shut off. And I think too hard and too often about some sort of invisible doom that's reaching out to shake things up. Of course, I try to be optimistic, and I am in many ways. I'm a very happy person, sometimes unbearably so. My optimism at times doesn't let me see when I'm in actual trouble or when I should take life more seriously. There are just times, like with everyone, where I fear the wheels are going to fall off the bus. I'm not alone on this, everyone feels this way at times. I just wish I didn't take it out on the people I care about. I know I've been a jerk and I haven't given anyone enough time lately. Sorry readers! Yup, I really am. Frustrating Week0 comments Nothing is ever cut and dry, black and white. Things can't just go easily, i suppose. First week of school and everything's messy and complicated. I had to redo my schedule, and take a class that won't do anything for my major, just because I was advised incorrectly about this course during registration. I shouldn't always be the yo-yo that gets bounced around because of other people's mistakes!
I don't know, I guess I'm just upset today. Feels sometimes like people don't know how to talk to me properly, and hurt my feelings without thinking. I wish they'd understand me better, or think before they speak. I'm not sure why I'm writing this. I'm just pissed off with everything that's gone on. I spent my day off yesterday frustrated pissed off and sad, and I'm never sad! I never blog like this, and maybe it's the best way to get my feelings out there, because otherwise how will people know when they mess up? Last night, 500 Days of Summer rendered me hopeless. As well written as that movie is, the message behind it is a little cynical. The point at the end is that the girl he's so in love with moved on and got married within 500 days of meeting Tom, and there was nothing he could do about it. For all his trying, he was never the most important person in her life. And at the end, he meets Autumn, and the cycle starts again, which leads me to believe that his relationship with Autumn, though new and fresh, won't have a happy ending either. It totally leaves you hopeless! Why should Tom even bother falling for the girl of his dreams if she's never going to love him the way that he wants? CYNICAL CYNICAL CYNICAL! Not worth getting pissed off anymore I suppose Books I've Read, in list form1 comments10 BEST BOOKS 1 Catcher in the Rye 2 The Color Purple (also an amazing movie) 3 Perks of Being a Wallflower 4 A Girl Like Che Guevara 5 Love Monkey 6 Little Children (also an amazing movie) 7 The Book of Joe 8 The Good People of New York 9 Election 10 The Ice Storm (also an amazing movie) BOOKS I HATED PASSIONATELY 1 Jane Fucking Eyre 2 Beowulf 3 Eagle of the Ninth 4 Middlesex 5 The Odyssey 6 Confessions of Saint Augustine 7 Grapes of Wrath BOOKS THAT STARTED GOOD OR GOT BAD OR STARTED BAD AND GOT GOOD … THEY JUST WEREN'T FULLY GOOD 1 Memoirs of a Geisha 2 Wicked 3 The Handmaid's Tale 4 Osprey Island 5 The Mambo Kings And so many more books not even worth mentioning. This had no point other than I felt I needed toi complain once more about the time I've wadted with several crappy books and ten amazing ones. Goodnight! 2009 was boring1 comments 2010 seems like it'll be interesting. Can't fully explain why, or understand why... But it does feel like it'll be different. I'm a grown up, I suppose, and I do feel less self absorbed than i have been in years past. Maybe that's why I blog less? I have less issues??? Or I've realized that things I considered important or bloggable were really melodramatic and unessential. Either way, I'm growing. This is a good thing as long as I don't lose sight of who I am, yeah?
I don't like when people change, when friends change... I've missed a lot of people last year, and lost contact with a few who used to be part of my daily routine. There were certain people in my life that I never expected to be wondering how they're doing. I always assumed I'd know how their day's been every day. The fact that I have to wonder about once close friends is upsetting. It's a part of growing up I don't like dealing with yet. I was asked yesterday if I'm the kind of friend I wish I had. And I think, in the way in which I am loyal, I'd like to have a friend like me. Because aside from 2 or 3 of my friends, loyalty is somewhat of a rarity. I do like that I sort of "mate for life" when it comes to friends... But that rarely is reciprocated because people do grow as I have, and distance forces us all to lose touch a bit. It's unrealistic, I suppose. But I do get jealous of people who still have their friend from when they were 4 or 5. When i was 5, my friend David's mother hated me. She said I called too often and she wasn't a fan of her child talking on the phone. She was a bitch, and I think she was the reason I used that word for the first time. I'm not telling this story for any reason but to remind us all that David Ventura's mom used to be a bitch to an adorable 5 year old Me. Would be nice to know what she's up to haha! So i guess 2010 for now is about keeping the relationships I have, making them stronger, maybe even forging some new ones. It's a bit hard to make new friends, but I"m just so goddamned charming, I might just be able to do it. I love all of my readers :)
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
|
About Me |
