Ideas are brewing, tell me this is a good thing! I haven't been reading enough, which is always what motivated me to write. I just read a really shitty short story, but it got me thinking of many possibilities that have to do with my own stories. Things are spawning and hatching in my brain, and it's a feeling I've missed very much.
I used to write a lot in high school, and i remember the greatest writing week ever was the week I had detention. Detention was a 40 minute period before or after school that was complete silence. I was left with my thoughts! I'd run to my locker and write down all the ideas that had plowed through my imagination during that quiet time. It was a very fruitful and creative week! And the resulting stories, or beginnings of stories, are a few of my favorite pieces to this day. Hey, Readers, don't ask for any of these because you all know I sent them to you back in the day! They're in all your Rob folders, Alona-- you better still have your Rob folder!!! Karrie, please organize your Rob folder, yours is the biggest one I'm sure.
So that's where my headspace is. Rather than taking notes on my readings, I want to abandon them altogether and create readings of my own. My only wish is that 60 years from now, there isn't a sarcastic 21 year old with awkward hair dissecting and evaluating my writing for all that it is not! Because that takes the fun out of reading and is why I've come to loathe higher education!
I've been an asshole for 2 weeks. I get that, and I k now I've neglected people. And I know I've been weird and standoffish, confrontation or contentious. I guess I'm fed up with a lot of things. Living at home is getting harder, I'm getting older and the feeling of permanence and "stuck-titude" that this house gives off is frightening and disheartening. I've been sleeping in the same bedroom since before I could walk. Going to school is getting harder. I've had to explain why I'm not graduating this May to too many people. It sucks very much to see my best friends graduating while I still have no idea when I am able to. This does not mean I'm not proud or excited for them! I love them to death and I'm so glad they get to move on. But honestly, I'm jealous, and it feels bad to be left behind in this chapter, as they go start a new one. I've been a part of them for 8 years, it's scary to do this alone.
My brain doesn't shut off. And I think too hard and too often about some sort of invisible doom that's reaching out to shake things up. Of course, I try to be optimistic, and I am in many ways. I'm a very happy person, sometimes unbearably so. My optimism at times doesn't let me see when I'm in actual trouble or when I should take life more seriously. There are just times, like with everyone, where I fear the wheels are going to fall off the bus. I'm not alone on this, everyone feels this way at times. I just wish I didn't take it out on the people I care about. I know I've been a jerk and I haven't given anyone enough time lately. Sorry readers! Yup, I really am.
Of course I still have my Rob folder! Actually, there are multiple. Rob writing folder, and then a rob folder in my graphics folder. It's all very exciting. I hope you know I actually revisit your work. :) I know we haven't been great about being in touch (that's probably mostly my fault) but I miss talking and I definitely miss getting to be part of your creative endeavors. I miss our writing competitions, and I hope we get to do those again someday. Even though you beat my ass.
As per being a jerk- I guess the first step is admitting it. But also, you're sensitive and caring, and I don't know if your friends necessarily feel your jerkiness. If they're good friends and know what you're going through, they'll understand. It would be rude not to.
I admire your wish to break out and go forward. Even though you feel lost now, it's a very good place to be. Explore your options..figure it out! Now is the time. You're still young. You're talented. You're smart. The world is at your feet, you just need to seize it. I truly believe that, and I wouldn't say it to just anyone. Believe in yourself!
Honestly, You're not going to be behind at all. Your friends are scared shitless moving on to their next chapter, I bet. And who cares the pace everyone else does things? Do it your own way, and kick ass. Obstacles and all. We need to get out of this guilt that society puts on us if we don't do things the way the average person does them. Life is yours. Live it as you like, not as people expect you to! It was a hard lesson for me to learn, but I'm trying it out and couldn't be happier.
Sorry if half of what I said was irrelevant, but I needed to go on a preachy rant (it helps me too hehe)
I'm here for you if you need another ear.