The Perks of Being a Cuban.

Alright. my hair's going through weird things at the moment. Since it was chopped off sloppily a few months ago, it's not yet recuperated or grown out properly. It has good days and bad, but at least it feels really nice. But I don't really plan on getting it cut for the simple fact that I can never find a good hair place. And I've never gotten a perfect hair cut.

I realize as i think about it how much i hate the entire hair cutting experience. It's all really an embarrassing ordeal isn't it? You've got to show up to this place with ideas in your hair of unfulfillable hairspectations-- other peoples hair you think you can pull off properly, and from the minute you begin describing what you want, shame ensues.

It's all very emasculating, not that I'm particularly burly, with my slim pants and fancy sunglasses. After your hair's washed with the sweet smelling shampoo, you're made to walk around the entire hair place with a towel wrapped ornately round your head. And you're trying to not wet the ground or wet your clothes, so here you are, with a towel on your head (maybe even a pink towel) doing a funny walk.

The hair cuts not too embarrassing. I don't like talking to the cutter-guy while they're doing their job. Firstly because I've got nothing particularly interesting or sparky to share with them, and second because I imagine if they've got time for a chin wag, they're very well not focused on making my hair look sexy. And my sexiness must be number one priority.

My least favorite part is the end, where you stare yourself down in the mirror, looking all awkward as we all do right after a haircut. Feeling a bit idiotic and unsure of yourself. And then there's the silence. The hairdresser's fishing for compliments and approval. No use really, if it's a crap haircut the damage has been done. What can you say really, other than "goodbye?" They can't grown the hair back for you. Telling them they've done a crap job after the fact is no use.

So, no haircut for me for a while. Not until I find someone I can trust.

I write a lot of things. I barely share them anymore. My lyrics have melody now, which makes them weaker verbally but more cohesive. So I'm proud of them. I've just started writing a TV script, for fun obviously as I have no ins in the television world and it's barely any good. I get inspired a lot by other people's words. That's why it takes me so long to get any reading done. I'm reading Little Children by Tom Perrotta right now. He's one of the most brilliant authors of this generation in my opinion. I so admire his grasp of language and his impeccable understanding of the neurotic human mind. I hope to one day be half as emotionally aware as he is, and a third as verbal about it. He's inspired me a lot lately. The testament to a great author is one whose words inspire yo rto write down some of your own. It has taken me forever to finish this book because every page fills me with more ideas about my own characters. And I'm extremely grateful, because otherwise I would barely be writing at all.
Truthfully, I've missed the process, having not completed any worthwhile or substantial amounts of writing since 2006. I'm trying to get back into it. It's so difficult to motivate oneself when there is'nt the slightest bit of pressure behind the work you're creating. There is no due date, no one to read it, not a single person to forcinly share it with like a teacher, editor etc. I could send it to whoever i wanted, a friend, an old now cold and distant former teacher, anyone I wanted really. I could post it on those strange crative writing forums. But what's the use? There's no due date or deadline. I have all the time in the world to create something out of nothing or to just create nothig at all. It's terrifying. I need to start again, it would be nice. It would maybe stop my mind from creating dialogues between fictional characters. I've played whole movies in my mind that I havent written. In my head there are even a few shitty drafts of "She Loves Lucy" my Lesbian sitcom. I've just begun writing "Wasteland" a teen drama based on the UK show "Skins." It won't be going anywhere. But at least I'm not just wasting my tothing.

Not really. Nothing's really changed. Maybe it's time for a change? I feel like I am very boring. I don't know why. Just today. A lot of the time I think I'm awesome. Today I feel boring. I think I'll start wearing cologne again. I stopped when I started going to high school. In a school for all boys there's absolutely nobody to smell nice for. Even though at Fordham there's no one in particular, maybe it doesn't hurtto smell nice? I don't have B O or anything, I just wanna try something different. So I've been googling and ordered free samples of some colognes, just to see. If i don't like any, no biggie, they're free.
I keep missing my hair cut appointment. I need to find a good place to go to around here, some place that cuts young people's hair. I've gotten my hair cut by old men my whole life. Which at times has resulted in sub par hair results. I kinda wanna dye my hair. Is that weird? Would that be weird? I dunno, it's almost summer time and I still feel very "wintery."
I already told everyone I know who lives near the beach that we are totally going this summer. I'm usually not a beach fan. I don't know what's wrong with me, I'm dying to go. I like the ocean, I hate the sand, I hate the sun. I hate the heat. WHY do i wanna go to the beach so much? I don't get it! but i really really do. I need to buy board horts. Maybe I'll intentionally miss my bus tomorrow and go shopping at quiksilver/billabong/element.
I'm still writing, semi-daily. I find a lot of my writing hasds gotten more simplified now that I write with melody. There are melodies in my head despite my lack of playing any instrument. I wish I could play an instrument, it would be nice. So because the writing isnt as good without the melody, I've stopped posing a lot of my writting, But that doesn't mean that I've stopped blogging or stopped writing. See? I totally remembered my password to blogspot, so there.

I would never abandon you!!! i just haven't had anything worth saying. well that's not true. Everyone has something worth saying, or writing... or at least hey think they do. Maybe i've been too busy to notice you. but i do like writing here. i've had a lot of work, more work than ever before. last year was like 8th grade. this is my first year in a big boy college. and while i have come to appreciate my experiences at stockton, i have never been prouder of any decision i've made. despite unbelievable challenges, i am positive fordham is a good fir for me, or will be. my feet are still getting wet i think. i'm thinking of plunging soon, maybe.
I write every day. I try to at least, once aday. even a phrase, or an idea for something. I have so many unorganized ideas that fly in and out of my head. i wish i had more retention, or a quiet half hour to just get it all down. there's a lot flying around up here, i'm pointing to my brrain, it would be nice to share it with others. but it gets away from me a lot of the time. i miss writing my stories, i miss it deeply. There was nothing more unbearable and rewarding to me than working on a story, I miss it a lot.
I feel now how others may have felt at Stockton when I spoke with them. They would always say "big city boy, he's so smart." I am by far not the smartest person in my school this year. Definitely not. These people talk like I wite. How can words pour out of them that easily? Complex brilliant words eloquent and flowy. They talk like poetry, they speak in melodies, it's fascinating to watch. I hate a few of them. Well just one girl, she gets on my nerves a lot. She raises her hand and just says random brilliant words, she rambles more eloquently than I write. It takes me deep concentration to write like how she speaks. I think she's showing off. Because she usually just starts speaking before her brain reaches her point. She takes the class on her brain's journey with her, and I really never feel like taking her trip.
I like being where I am. It's not perfect, but nothing really ever is, and that's a good thing. Perfect seems boring.. I like challenging myself, and that is definitely what's been happening. Things are good, blog-god. Thanks for listening.

I’ll get away while there’s time
I’ll fly well into the night
Well into tomorrow

Move on past the dense fog
Move on from where you are
While I’m still young

Is there a place where time’s still
A place for me to just wait
Where I won’t grow old
Or keep missing you more

Oh Never…
It never existed
This place in my head
Where my dreams were bred
Were kept and preserved
Today washed away
Oh Never…
You never existed

I’m getting older too fast
I swore I’d never do that
I’m covered in regret

Thought I could fly past the night
Into never ending light
Into tomorrow

Is there a place where time’s still
A place to just wait
Where I won’t grow old
Or keep missing you more

Oh Never…
It never existed
This place in my head
Where my dreams were fed
Were kept and preserved
Today washed away
Oh Never…
You never existed

El agua sabe a sangre
Y a lágrimas llenos de sal
Tan frió y tan infinito
No tiene por donde acabar

Ay, no me olvido del mar
Que suele guardar
Memorias, recuerdos,Deseos y sueños
Por el camino a la libertad

El agua sabe a sangre
Las olas recogen el dolor
Tan solos y tan desesperados
Buscando un mundo mejor

Ay, no me olvido del mar
Que suele guardarMemorias,
recuerdos,Deseos y sueños
Por el camino a la libertad

La tierra huele a sangre
Mi gente se sacrifica
Por no tener remedio
Al mar ellos se entregan

Ay, no me olvido del mar
Que suele guardar
Memorias, recuerdos,Deseos y sueños
Por el camino a la libertad

For the most part, today's been fine. But with the combination of the rain and general frustration, a wave of bad energy just washed over me and now I feel vwery blahhh. Listening to my parents fight, having dinner be disgusting, being generally annoyed, being asked my password for collegeboard, it keeps piling. The password thing-- There's nothing on my college board that's private, really. The problem however is that my parents needed my password. It's a privacy thing, nothing in this house is private. They know the passwords to everything and it frustrates me. My door can't be closed, they ask why when it is.
I've realized tonight how different this year will be, and years to come. The great school that I can't completely experience because I'm at home. Checking in, being home on time, not being able to do school-ey things. It's an adjustment that just now is setting in.
I remember being called at 4 AM in Stockton one night. I was awae, as was this person. "I can't sleep" he said "m eeither"-- me. "Wanna hang out" "Sure let's go to the laundry room." That can't happen now. It's just really really different, and sort of not the best.....
At this time, everyopne's going back to school. People are pcking, people are buying new things, getting ready for the new year. I remember last year what a scary and exciting time it was, I can only imagie what it's like to go back to campus fully aware of what the school brings you, totally confident and just as excited as the year before. I completely do NOT regret my choice to leave Stockton, it wasn't a great school. But after dorming for a year, and experiencing the freedom that brings, this is going to be hard.
I tried to explain it to dad "then I guess you should have stayed at Stockton"... this is what I live with. I really hate whining, my problem today is not interesting. But writing it out gets it out of me , I think. And for the past few hours this feeling of loss has been dragging me around. I've lost the ability to act my age, and do the things I'm supposed to not supposed to be able to do.

I'm sick to my stomach, over analyzing, and over thinking. I'm so much under pressure, pressure that i've put upon myself. Pressure that isn't raelly there. It's all in my head. So i got into the school I wanted to go to. but now, i really don't know if that was the right fit for me. I do well with smaller classes, I like my teachers knowing my name, recognizing my face, talking after class. I like my teachers to take interest in me, and I don't think that'll happen here.
I look at other schools, with a real campus, a Quad, a library, a cafeteria, a parking lot. I'm going to school in the middle of New York City, as cool as it sounds, none of the things I mentioned exist at my school. Like most college kids sit out on a lawn, Fordham students have to go to Central Park. Like most college kids who get to go to the campus library at 2 AM and write a paper, Fordham students have to go to the NYC Public Library. Absolutely everyone I know at Fordham commute, and I know a lot of people. Because there really is no campus. There are dorms, and they're nice, but there aren't that many.
All of the things that come to mind when you think of a college camopus aren't at Fordham. and while it's totally what I wanted this time last year, it's a bit extreme. I'm going from absolute wilderness to absolutely urban.
I hate my inability to make a choice, I hate making mistakes, and as phenomenal as this school is, I really need to know that it's the right fit for me, and I really don't know yet.
I'm deliriously confused.

I start many projects. I give myself a lot of credit. I assume I'll pursue these things to their ends, whichever they may be. I started a story, a possible book. It has 2 pages, and I am ready to scrap it. It's totally a ridicuous undertaking, and involves subjects I'm not familiar with.
I've started the story off on such broad grey terms, it could go ina limitless amount of directions, but i really don't know if anyof them are particularly interesting. and if an intersting one does exist, somewhere in the cosmos, won't it please fall from the sky and bonk me on the head?

There’s never silence
There’s always a whisper
A faint shout in the dark
A cough in an empty room

It’s never quiet
Try as much as you want
Stand in the shade as long as you’d like
Stand in the dark forever if you’d like

Come on wake up
Things aren’t so bad, now
Come on wake up
Get over what’s in your past
Come on Come on Come on
Get up

There’s never peace
There’s always a fighter
A dreamer with hope
A madman with a vision

It’s never safe
Wait as much as you want
Stand in the shade as long as you’d like
Stand in the dark forever if you’d like

Come on wake up
Things aren’t so bad, now
Come on wake up
Get over what’s in your past
Come on Come on Come on
Get up

There’s always hope
There’s always a day left
A minute, an hour
Some time for life to find you

Come on wake up
Things aren’t so bad, now
Come on wake up
Get over what’s in your past
Come on Come on Come on
Let Go

She gives herself completely
But not as completely as they’d like her to
She’s left with a void the size of the sun

She swears she’s so far past it
Promises she’ll forget them
Ignores her chance to reconcile

If the first time wasn’t hard enough
How will she get through 2 or 3?
Maybe soon she’ll stop wondering why she’s all alone
She’s all alone, again
She’s so insecure, thinks she’s so self assured
Preparing for her breakdown
They keep breaking her down

She’s completely not herself
And they honestly couldn’t care less
She’s left with regret, consumes every though

She swears she’s so far past them all
Promises she’ll forget them all
Pretends she’s already moved on

If the first time wasn’t hard enough
How will she get through 2 or 3?
Maybe soon she’ll stop wondering why she’s all alone
She’s all alone, again
She’s so insecure, thinks she’s so self assured
Preparing for her breakdown
They keep breaking her down

The walls close her in
Their words do her in
She comes undone,
This round, they’ve won

If the first time wasn’t hard enough
How will she get through 2 or 3?
Maybe soon she’ll stop wondering why she’s all alone
She’s all alone, again
She’s so insecure, thinks she’s so self assured
Preparing for her breakdown
They keep breaking her down

It'a ridiculously hot. After a fantastic tuesday, I've settled back into the mundanity of summer. Sure, it's relaxiing, but I feel like such a slacker. I tried to get a job, I really did, but no one called me back. For some reason I am unable to picture myself behind a cash register, I feel like I'd be the really annoyed cashier with his eyes rolled to thwee back of his head. I don't want to hate my job! But it's not even July and I'm already itching for some learnin'.

I looked back on my blog 2 summers ago, and i wrote about all the books I wanted to read. On the Road, Confederacy of Dunces, neither ever opened. Actually I tried On the Road, gave it away. I miss reading, I haven't doe it in so long, but I fall asleep whenever i try, unless I'm moving. I can read forever if i'm in a car, but put me in a sttionary chair, or bed and i'm gone. Maybe if i just roll around on my chaiir i'll get some reading done. It does have wheels after all. I have so many great things I'd love to read, and no motivation to do so. Summer is killing my motivation, I used to be so peppy.

I also miss winter. I look much better in winter, no sweat, nice clothes, it's a great season. and it's COLD. I can never stress completely how much i loathe the heat. This blog has no point aside for the fact that I want to begin blogging like before, writing nonsense for no reason justto get stuff out. Nothing particularly bad or good, but still stuff nonetheless.

It’s under control
You say you don’t need help
You say you’re too grown to be thought about

It’s in your hands
In your slippery hands
You say no need to catch what’s already fallen

Down, you go
Down, you fall
Down, slowly you
Drown…

Won’t you come up for air
Save some for later
Take a deep breath
And give up the fight
Come up for air
Things will be better
I swear

It’s not an issue
So I won’t make it one
You say you’re just having your last bit of fun

It’s something to do
Just to pass idle time
But no one can take away what’s already gone

Down, you go
Down, so far
Down, slowly you
Drown…

Won’t you come up for air
Save some for later
Take a deep breath
And give up the fight
Come up for air
Things will be better
I swear

You choke on your words
You fall all alone
You think you’re too old for I told you so

It hurts me so much
To see you this way
So much in love with something that won’t love you back

Won’t you come up for air
Save some for later
Take a deep breath
And give up the fight
Come up for air
Things will be better
I swear

I’ll try and put the past where it belongs
Far from my memory
Pretend you never happened to me
Pretend I never knew you

I’ll try and scratch you out of my mind
Erase you inside and out
Ignore your present existence
Ignore my past with you

Force myself to erase you completely
Control myself enough to do this
Every time I have time to think
I find myself with thoughts of you

Your hands your feet your eyes and lips
Blur into shapeless gray oblivion
Your shape your laugh your smile your body
Blur into nothing sent away for good
For good
For the best

If we ever cross the same path
And I find you near me
You’ll strike up talk of how’ve you been’s
I’ll ask you what your name is

If we ever have to meet again
If you ever come and find me
Pleasantries will spill from inside you
I’d see right through your emptiness

Force myself to erase you completely
Control myself enough to do this
Every time I have time to think
I find myself with thoughts of you

Your hands your feet your eyes and lips
Blur into shapeless gray oblivion
Your shape your laugh your smile your body
Blur into nothing sent away for good
For good
For the best

So, I love Gloria Estefan. Her new single is tortally inspiring. "No Llores" is all about not being caught up in life's drama and celebrating the good things that surround you. And when I do stop to think, I do realize how greatly the good outweighs the bad. Because what I consider "bad" really isn't bad, just frustrating.
There really isn't anything bad going on. I'm very happy, I had a good year, in a not so good place, but I made it work and in the end came out winning. I took control of the situation and finished academically with my best grades so far, ever!
That post from the otherday wasn't gloomy, or sad. I'm just concerned with being in limbo. But thoughts about this state of in between are rare, only when I remember. And I rarely do. I justhate being unsure. I want to know WHAT SCHOOL Im going to. and if the ONE school wuld just respond, I'd be fine. JUST respond. Other than that, summer's awesome, relaxing, I'm cooking fantastic things and broadening my prowess. I'm really proud of the progress I've made in all of my creative outlets, drawing cooking (if done right it's creative) graphics and writing. I've begun stories, and have had ideas for stories. I just need to finish or start. I miss storytelling. And i'd love to start up again.
Things are good, even if they don't always seem to be. For the most part, everything's looking up, and I'm learning a lot this summer, and I learned a lot about myself throughout this year. I feel like I've grown and understood more about why we must go through certain things. The journey is what matters, and the destinnation. If I hadn't gone to Stockton, I probably wouldnt have given eirther of these 2 schools a thought. In journey we take, good, bad, whatever, there's a learning curve. It's up to you to go with it and understand that through each dark path, there is eventual light.
SUELTA LOS TEMORES!

This has been a very frustrating time for me. For a while I've internalized my fears and worries, I haven't even writtwen about them. But, now there's no point in keeping them in as my future no longer is in my own hands. I've done all I can on my end, nnow it's up to the powers that be.
I hate appllying to schools. I hate the entire ordeal, the tedious forms, the teacher recs, transcript request forms etc. Most of all I hate waiting. I hate this part of not being sure. I hate not knowing where I want to be. I should have only applied to one good school. Then the decision would have been simpler.
Everyone wants to make my decision for me. How can they be so sure as to what's best for me when I'm absolutely not sure at all? I second guess myself so often. All last year I joked abouut "being in college and still not knowing what college I want to go to." It was a gentle way to come tot erms with how flighty I am. I am so unsure of every step I make. I can't even explain it. I can't make a deciaion without thinkig it could end up being the worst choice of my life. I think too far ahead and wonder how I'll end up in 5 years if i do this, or that, or or or....
I don't know why I am writing this blog. It's not really clear, it doesn't make too much sense, and doesn't erally come to any conclusion. I won't be changed by the end of this, there wont be any epiphany, no realization or resollution. I'm not that easy. I just want to be SURE of where I should go. I don't want to be confused anymore. And absolutely everything about this process, about this year, this new period of limbo I have put myserlf into, is remarkable FRUSTRATINGLY confusing. There's so much I don't know. It's like standing at the edge of a cliff, being poked with a stick. You have to jump, but to your left is a pile of jagged rocks, to your right a group of hungry crocodiles. You have to jump, but in which direction?

I think its best for me and you
If I sit back and tell the truth
Cause there’s so much that you don’t know yet

I don’t take baths every day
I don't comb my hair on weekdays
I talk too fast and just say nothing

If this is how you wanted
Your life to end up
Thank you very much

Get out my love and stop wasting your time
Before it’s far too late
Every day I’m more imperfect still
You stick around and wait
I have no redeeming quality can’t you see
So now I set you free
Don’t waste your time.

While I’m on this roll I’m on
I might as well continue and
Give you more reasons to leave me

I don’t make my bed every day
Cheat at every game I play
And I never seem to cry

You think you know me so well
Well now here’s your chance
Get out while you can

Get out my love and stop wasting your time
Before it’s far too late
Every day I’m more imperfect still
You stick around and wait
I have no redeeming quality can’t you see
So now I set you free
Don’t waste your time.

When it comes down to you and me
At least you know who I might be
If you ever got stuck with me...

Who are we screaming to?
Why should we waste our breath
When the powers that be, whoever they may be
Don’t notice

Children smile since they don’t know better
Widows cry, ‘cause they’ll never be together
Again

We lie helpless on our backs
Brothers and Sisters go on and attack
We watch our country change
We all fall down

For years and years my eyes were closed
Why bother, since I alone
Can do nothing

For too long I’ve been blinded
So young and simple minded
My eyes are opened
And I hate what I see.

Miro al azul del mar
Siento el azul en mi alma
Mis sentimientos están en negro
Que hace años no te veo

Siento un fuego en mi alma
Anaranjado y Rojo puro
Que me trae fortaleza
Vivir sin ti ha sido duro

Píntame de colores
Mi corazón que esta en blanco
Lléname de cariño
Y tráeme el verde del campo

Siembro unas rosas rosadas
Tan bellas como tu cara
Hermosas como mis recuerdos
Temporales como esta vida

Ese sol amarillo y lindo
Trae claridad y aceptación
Que ya no estas a mi lado
Es una dura resignación

Píntame de colores
Mi corazón que esta en blanco
Lléname de cariño
Y tráeme el verde del campo

He viajado de gris a añil
De pena a plena intuición
De ya no tener que verte
Pa’ tener rojo el corazón

Píntame de colores
Mi corazón que esta en blanco
Lléname de cariño
Y tráeme el verde del campo

Are you ready to lose?
So far you’ve been winning
It all seems like the end
But it’s all beginning

Little catastrophes break your spirit
They try to fix you, you just won’t hear it
Everything’s the end of the world

Welcome to this side of town
Where everybody feels as down as you do
Welcome to this side of town
This is what life’s all about
Sorry that you’ve just figured out
This is where we’re hiding.

You can stay here for now
Right now you’re still lonely
Everything is such a mess
Are you starting to feel?

Little catastrophes break your spirit
They try to fix you, you just won’t hear it
Everything’s the end of the world

Welcome to this side of town
Where everybody feels as down as you do
Welcome to this side of town
This is what life’s all about
Sorry that you’ve just figured out
This is where we’re hiding.

Sorry you’re here
Stay as long as you need
Sorry to say
I’m sure I’ll see you again
And again
This is what life’s all about
Sorry that you’re just figured out…

Welcome to this side of town
Where everybody feels as down as you do
Welcome to this side of town
This is what life’s all about
Sorry that you’ve just figured out
This is where we’re hiding.

I had trouble sleeping
For a whole damn year
I’d just toss and turn
On my plastic mattress

Did you see me
Through the clouds and trees
Did you bother
To watch over me

Do you think as much as I do?
I can’t turn my mind off at night at all
Did you want me out of there too?
It was so cold and I was so alone
Didn’t you know?

Had trouble concentrating
Thinking how I got there
I was just a zombie
Outside my own body

Did you see me
Through the clouds and trees
Did you bother
To watch over me

Do you think as much as I do?
I can’t turn my mind off at night at all
Did you want me out of there too?
It was so cold and I was so alone
Didn’t you know?

Didn’t you know
What I was getting into
Didn’t you know
I could have done better
Didn’t you know
I could have been so different
Now I’m not sure
Anymore

Did you see me
Through the clouds and trees
Did you bother
To watch over me

Do you think as much as I do?
I can’t turn my mind off at night at all
Did you want me out of there too?
It was so cold and I was so alone
Didn’t you know?

this is FICTION. As it is spring. Most of what i write is. I get inspired by titles or words.


This winter’s been so bleak
The sky’s been full of dust
The clouds as black as gravel
The air as cold as ice

This winter’s been so cold
I haven’t seen the sun
Everything’s so stagnant
The earth is brown and dry

This is My December
Nothing here gets better
Thinking up my resolution
Counting down to a solution
This is My December

I’ve been so many places
It all just stays the same
I’ve seen so much destruction
We’re all stranded alone

I’ve promised to myself
To forget who you are
I feel you in the night’s chill
I shiver at your thought

This is My December
Nothing here gets better
Thinking up my resolution
Counting down to a solution
This is My December

Waiting for a new day
5 4 3 2 1
January, relieve me
Absolve me from my sins

This is My December
When nothing gets better
January, absolution
Relieve all of my confusion
Release you from my thoughts
After My December

LITERALLY EVERYTHING HAS GONE RIGHT TODAY!!!!! Things have been so perfect today, and I've been in SUCH a good mood! YAY !

You took for granted all you own
You lie in your bed all alone
Destroyed the past and all you knew
Forgot everyone and all you do is

Sit around
Unmaking all that you’ve built up
Lie around
Avoiding all that you’ve messed up
Settle down
All that you’ve lived for
All that you’ve died for
Is out of your hands

The life that you have no one has
Judas
Your luck runs out, it never lasts
Judas
All that I’ve lost
All that you’ve gained
Forgive you
You know not what you do.

You made me believe every word
You made doubting you so absurd
Destroyed who I was, trusting you
I’m left reborn and all you do is

Come around
Unsettling the world around you
Turn around
Betraying all who trusted you
Settle down
All that you’ve lived for
All that you’ve died for
Is out of your hands

The life that you have no one has
Judas
Your luck runs out, it never lasts
Judas
All that I’ve lost
All that you’ve gained
Forgive you
You know not what you do.

You wrap me around your finger
You betray everyone you’re with
You speak in riddles to bewilder
You turn on everyone you’re with
You betray everyone you’re with

The life that you have no one has
Judas
Your luck runs out, it never lasts
Judas
All that I’ve lost
All that you’ve gained
Forgive you
You know not what you do.

On this perfect day
Nothing can go wrong
Nothing ever harms me
I just move along

On this perfect day
Nothing brings me down
Nothing keeps me thinking
I just move around

Without you
I just move along
Without you

And you’re not here
And it’s okay for now
I’ll get through it somehow
While you’re not here
And it’s okay for now
I’ll keep saying it’s a perfect day
A perfect day

On this perfect day
I see your smile in places
A million peoples faces
All look like one

On this perfect day
The clouds take on your features
The universe, your laughter
I’m staring at the sun

Without you
I’m staring at the sun
Without you

And you’re not here
And it’s okay for now
I’ll get through it somehow
While you’re not here
And it’s okay for now
I’ll keep saying it’s a perfect day
A perfect day

On this perfect day…

How can anyone harbor so much hate? How can humanity power on while being infested, poisoned, consumed by an irrational fear towards one another? How do people still think this way? In the year 2007 it is unreasonable to imagine that people still carry hate within them, and still act out because of this hate in such a cruel, sadistic way.
I have so many questions. So many things I just don't understand about my universe, my people. So much I'm trying to grasp, wrap my brain around and I just can't. Daniellynn was on the front cover of the news paper. The nauseating tragedy at VA Tech had 1/3 of that page. Priorities.
I don't understand my world. I don't understnd how people think. How can a human harm another human? How can inflicting pain make it okay? How are things fixed? Nothing is fixed. The world is broken. The world is in complete disorder. Infernal disorder.
Don Imus. Had he waited a week, he'd still be on the air. However, the fact that he has no filter, no concept of human dignity, right and wrong, bothers me. The fact that he thinks in such an archaic, uneducated way is frightening. I never listened to his show, now i don't have to.
I don't do politics. I'm trying. I don't do news or current events. I'm trying. I've realized that the news gets me angry. The news scares me, it forces me to question. I'm becoming concerned. Concern is important, it means your eyes are opened.
I'm just so confused by this world, by the people in it. By the thoughts they have, and the things they do. By war. By fire. By death. By hate. I'm confused by so much. Why why why

¿A que tierra pertenezco?
¿Al acero o al mar?
¿Al concreto o la arena?
¿Ni sé en que idioma hablar

Vivo en la orilla
Del ingles y el español
Camino sobre el borde
De mi hogar y de mi amor

Como puede ser
Que amo a esa tierra
Ese lugar en que me imagino
Que no existe ya
Como puede ser
Que me siento en esa tierra
Profundamente pertenece
Cuba dentro de mí

I wish I knew you
That I could see you
Know what you’re thinking
And going through

What they’ve been saying
What you’ve been living
The world you’ve been facing
All alone

Living your life on second chances
Getting by on the luck of the draw
Life is not the way you’ve planned it
And you’re ready to move along

The last word that you say to me
Won’t be goodbye
Cause there’s so much left
To explain
The last time that you look at me
Straight in the eye
Look at me with respect
And honesty

I want to believe you
I want to trust you
And know that these mistakes
Are for the best

I want to be sure of
All I’m not sure of
There’s so much more I
Can’t understand

Living your life on second chances
Getting by on the luck of the draw
Life is not the way you’ve planned it
And you’re ready to move along

The last word that you say to me
Won’t be goodbye
Cause there’s so much left
To explain
The last time that you look at me
Straight in the eye
Look at me with respect
And honesty

Open up your media player. Load up all your MP3s. Set it to random. List the first 20 songs that play. No cheating. Bold the one you find the most embarassing (if there is one). Italicize your favourite. Underline your least favourite. Post your list in your journal so others can mock and scorn and laugh.

1 i see your smile gloria estefan
2 the moon kendall payne
3 hips don't lie shakira
4 christmas through your eyes gloria estefan
5 respect Pink
6 la paga juanes
7 let me leave marc broussard
8 die motherfucker die get set go
9 Go hanson
10 night train amos lee
11 everyones a little bit racist ave q
12 last request paolo nutini
13 i remember damien rice
14 great divide hanson
15 love revival REBA
16 el metro cafe tacuba
17 drink the water jack johnson
18 come on come on jet
19 idilio fonseca
20 zero percent jason mraz

Perdona nuestras ofensas,
como también nosotros perdonamos
No nos dejes en la tentación
Tentación
Tentación

In cello et in terra fiat voluntas tua
Gloria Spiritui Sancto

¿Que idioma hablas tú?
Si acaso puedas hablar
¿Eres un héroe?
Quien rescata a todos los demás

Ahora dime porque
Se fajan el perro y el gato
Y también si vas a la mezquita
O a la sinagoga

Y si nuestro destino esta a su merced
Y si el guión lo escribiste tu, donde esta el héroe

Como le va
Con el poder que tienes ya
Eres feliz
O sueles llorar
Te has equivocado
Como todos hemos
Si me perdonas
Yo te perdonare

Dime si eres capaz
De sentir dolor
De pasar con hambre
O si sientes siempre bien.

Mire como mueren la gente
O matan, por tu nombre
Eso te trae orgullo,
O te avergüenza?

Y si nuestro destino esta a su merced
Y si el guión lo escribiste tu, donde esta el héroe

Como le va
Con el poder que tienes ya
Eres feliz
O sueles llorar
Te has equivocado
Como todos hemos ya
Si me perdonas
Yo te perdonare

The roommate thinks we're friends. He speaks to me all the time, he jokes with me. He puts things in my garbage can. Not garbagey things, gross things. Things with ketchup. He put a bottle of ketchup in my fridge. I'm annoyed. Every time I ask him to clean, he puts it off, he ignores. IM GOING INSANE

There was a time
My words were few
All of my thoughts
Focused on the wrong thing

And so there was a burden
Weighed me down each day
So there was so much
I forced myself to say

I don’t think for my own good
I have learned from my mistakes
I could be a better man
If I found a way to let go

In the silence of my soul
The silence of my new home
I couldn’t turn it off
All that I’ve been thinking of
So now I think I’ve learned
From the bridges I have burned
It’s high time
I go back from where I came

Because there was a burden
Tortured me each day
There is still so much
No one’s ever heard me say

I don’t think for my own good
I have learned from my mistakes
I could be a better man
If I found a way to let go

Is every February this stagnant? I just feel ... stuck. I think I'm going to do a lot tomorrow. Apply places, other than Fordham. I need to know that there is an end to this place. It's not even bad anymore, it's just not where I want to be for the next however-many years.

I need a break. I don't even do that much work. I wrote a 10 page play in 2 days. It felt so awesome to worry about writing omething again. I like to feel useful and writing does that to me. I feel like the things I say may eventually be of use, either just to me or to maybe someone. It feels so good to get a good response to the past few things I've written. And now I have a larger audience. It's playwriting, so it's meant to be spoken aloud . So when the readers are reading them and can't get through it because they think it's so funny, I feel useful. I made the creepy girl who cuts herself hyperventilate. I assume she's not used to laughter, I felt accomplished. I think my playwriting is genuinely improving.

I do miss narration though. I miss my descriptions of rooms and skies and eyes. I really miss writing stories. I haven't been inspired, forced, or motivated. I have a story that I started, it's so choppy, but it started out well. I will finish it eventually.

I'm just so tired. I haven't slept enough today, and I'm starting to wind down. I'm sundowning. Last time i blogged before bed, it helped me. I'm awake but my body isn't. it's screaming to get into bed. And i still don't want to. But it's for the best. I think I'll sleep now.

I cannot sleep. I havent been able to for exactly one week. I have stayed up for long periods of time, then slept for short periods. 20 awake 4 asleep or so. This is bad. I have no idea why I cant sleep. For the first time at stockton everythings go well. I enjoy all of my classes, my teachers, i have lunch and dinner buddies and the occasional breakfast buddy. I'm making peace with the fact that I'm here for a lil while. And I feel okay about the rest of the year. I have no concern on my mind. Nothings bothering me psycologically. And yet, I cannot turn my brain off. I toss and turn and think. Thoughts range from day dreams to whats ahead tomorrow to annoying songs that remain stuck. Yet, I'm high strung. And i have absolutely no reason why. Maybe it's my roommate? Maybe its his fan, maybe its his mess. I've thought about the fan and the mess while tossing. I've looked over at him and scowled, his existence bothers haha. I need help, I think, about the sleep. I read that writing down the reasons why you may be sleepless helps. I wish I knew the reason

NO ITS NOT CLEAN CLEAN CLEAN! im going insane. im gonnaq kill him. im gonna throw all this shit away. gross piles of cheap clothing get in my way every day. i kick things, then wash my feet. there are empty sunny delight bottles everywhere in a room with THREE garbage cans. he has a pyramid of rootbeer cans. don't people form can pyramids when they drink actual beer? as a sign to impress others, and to show how much they drank. he has no friends, and as I am the only one who has seen this pyramid, i am not impressed. His books are arranged in a pile near his printer. they topple over once a week. He owns 1 long sleeve t shirt. it's white. its layered under ever short sleeve tee he owns. He has a garbage bag thats full, thats sitting by his bed. Im going to die

I'm not that smart. I act like I am. But I'm not. I'm not that nice. I look like I mighgt be when you meet me, but that doesn't last too long. I'm opinionated, yet introverted. I'm tragically optimistic, I dream big, think big, probably because I'm so short.
I'm stubborn. I make plenty of mistakes. I'm hard to live with, because I'm so particular. I'm impossible with roommates, the 2 I've had. I cannot envision myself living peacefully with anyone who isnt exactly like me. I am incapable of apology, and the few times I've actualy done it, I've regretted it. I get stung, but don't show it. I'm private, I don't show emotion tto other people. They think I'm dead insde, but I'm very much alive.
I'm sarcastic, which is not a good thing. I'm clever, which is a good thing to some. I'm secretly clingy. As much as i hate spending too much time with people, as much as I push people aside and make them feel unimportant, I miss them like crazy when they're gone, or if they ever decide to be. Friends I have, have had or have lost, still man the world to me. And I always wonder whether something went wrong, or whether we've grown apart with age.
I write not because I think I'm good. I write because it's my only release. It's my way of proving my worth, or proving that I do have feelings.

i miss blogging about nothing. lately i've just always blogged when i had a point to make. i read my old posts and they were meaningless, just things that amused or bothered. my day. here i go..

its mother boinking cold. like trapped in a penguin cold. im dying as much as i enjoy the cold. its so cold im getting skin blotches, which happens every year. i shiver when i'm outside. this is so bad. but at least my cold clothes are sexy. i hate the summer because of my scrawny arms. the winter covers them, i look nice in sweaters. im wearing my fav sweater right now. tomorrow im gonna waer my heavy brown hooded cardigan. its very itchy so i need long sleeves under it but it looks really nice and its comfy.

Acceptance is a tough thing to achieve when we do everything in our power to not. It's hard to accept that things change, people change, or that the world is somethimes beyond your control. Sometimes things happen that we just cannot fix. We are a part of a constant evolution, and we'd do whatever we can to stop.

My sister is engaged. I wish I were happy, I really do. For her sake I wish I could accept this. But i can't. I feel uneasy thiinking about a future with him in it. He's never rubbed me the right way and I have a bad feeling about all of this. She seems happy but I just can't. I want to, for her. I cant.

We try to force acceptance, we burry our true feelings way deep down. But do we ever let them go?

This has not been a particularly easy time for you and the ride isn't quite over yet. You may now feel a fresh wave of emotions washing over you, but the danger stems from holding on to the past instead of gracefully flowing into the future. Practice by envisioning a totally new and different scenario without worrying about its practicality. Don't judge your thoughts, however outrageous. Simply thinking about all the possible paths can provide the right opportunity.

I try to ignore horoscopes. They're fake and untrue. THey give false hope. We're all a little superstitious, however much we fight it. We have a quirk, a "thing" that brings comfort and assurance. We don't look for signs, but they happen. Today, while I was writing in my notebook, the AOL horoscope page opened. I didn't click it, nothing was clicked, it just opened. and i read todays and then yesterdays, which i pasted above. It was sort of spot on, which scared me. I've struggled recently with the conflict between past and present. I've tried toi come to terms with what's behind me, while attempting to welcome what's around me. It's something that in time will come to me, I'll stop dwelling. I've already stopped. I'm learning and growing and thinking too big which for now is okay. I'll get there.

Along the way, you lose touch. I've lost touch with several people I've cared about. But today, I met up with some of my best friends from grammar school. We lost touch and somehow everyone picked up where we left off. It was so weird to se eeveryone again, I was nervous that it wouldn't be the same. We are all so much more mature now. It's just so weird. Good weird. It was nice. I had an easier time with them than I ever have with "the others". The first friends you make are always your best. I hope this sticks.

I'm writing this though I should already be well on my way to meet with friends. They want to meet /hang out at Prep. When I read that and felt no excitement or need to go there, I felt relief. It's a relief to be moving forward, to find resolution in where I am and finally stop feeling like there's too much left behind. There's no need for me to ever go to Prep. It's not like SFA which shuts down if i visit, the entire school gets excited. At Prep, no one really gets too thrilled, it's a bigger place, I'm a smaller fish who doesn't fit there much anymore. I'm moving forward. So all this time I felt like I was stuck in the past, not moving while everyone else did, I realize that my friends still haven't moved on. I don't want to go today. It just doesn't feel right being there. That's not my school anymore.
SFA will always be my school. I was there for 8 years. There, I was nurtured and nourished. They fed our minds and souls like a mother does her own children. There are deep rooted connections in SFA that do not exist at Prep. I grew up at SFA, they saw me and continue to see me maturing. They've been there for every moment in my life good and bad. The connection there is different to that of Prep. I loved my high school, but SFA is my home.

I'm kind of stuck between wanting to go back to school and dreading it. Going back means the start of classes again. New teachers, assignments, things to preoccupy myself with. I think I'm okay with all of this. finally. It's something I've combatted for a long time, my hard head. I'm stubborn, I did not give my school a chance. I don't see myself there for any longer than this semester, but after leaving the horibble dorm I've felt better about my place in Stockton. That dorm and those people represented everything bad about that place, maybe about college in general. They were the aimless slackers who really had no motive for graduating. I've sincce met people with purpose, with stories and personalities. They are not lifelong friends, but for now they'll do. Things are getting better and for the next five months, they will stay that way

There's no pont in making resolutions when you live your life so arduously trying to not regret your mistakes. You convince yourself that your past was your destiny and that there's no point in changing yourself now. Any other mistakes will just make you more sure of who you are. So you make resolutions to better yourself, and eventually give up. You loe control of the plan you've set up, it's easier to keep giving into your bad habits. A resolution is a resolve of determination. We are selfishly determined to forget our goals for this year. Our outright refusal to grow and redesign ourselves become resolutions of their own.



I don’t want to embrace this resignation
Confused for loss of control
I don’t want to hold onto
That which must be let go

I don’t want to make this resolution
Forcing a change within me
I don’t want to force away
Something inside that’s always been

A part of who I was
Tortures me this day
I played the part of the coward
A part of me still pays for what I’ve done

Renounce who I was
Take away the power in my name
Resolve what I’ve done
Devalue my thoughts and things I’ve said
Resolution
Resolution
Worthless, I’ll break you in a month.


I don’t want to make this resolution
Because I’ve lost control
I don’t want to sell my soul
Just because I can’t let things go

A part of who I was
Tortures me this day
I played the part of the coward
A part of me still pays for what I’ve done

Renounce who I was
Take away the power in my name
Resolve what I’ve done
Devalue my thoughts and things I’ve said
Resolution
Resolution
Worthless, I’ll break you in a month.

Thoughtless, I’ll forget you in a month.

As we grow, we lose that innocence. Our intuition fails us and we make mistakes. WE make choices every day that shape who we are and will be. As we grow we lose sight of what we were, and the people that were once there. We push those people aside, they simply do not fit in with our new image. They represent the past, the innocence I guess. We are adults now, or we believe we are. Invincible. Infallible. Terribly flawed in denial. We exaggerate, we over react, we under react. We ignore consequence or thought process. Until hopefully it all clicks.
The people who were there for you may still be there, waiting. They may not be. We don't know, we pretend not to care. Adult's wouldn't care, we lie to ourselves. For what? For maturity. For acceptance. For independence. From what the past represents. We repress our pasts, so as to not regress, and loss all the hardheadedness and hardheartedness we have managed to gain on our search for adulthood. We're grown ups... We swear.
It's all very stupid. I've seen it too often. I've lost many whom I've cared for. Many who once cared for me. I've lost them to the idea of adulthood, to the word, to the feeling. They lose sight of who they are and try to do some growing. Why is it that as I grow, I keep looking back while also looking forward. Childhood and adolescence are so ephemeral and fugitive, I feel it's essential to hold onto those who've made these journeys with you. Rather than letting them go and make the journey with new less recognizable people. That journey becomes lonely and empty. Fill that journey towards knowledge and adulthood with your past and your present, the future will transition itself easier that way. That's just how I feel.

I believe that I may be at fault
I believe that I’m the one to blame
Putting myself down at times
At fault for all your pain
I can’t just let it go

I believe that I’m too hard on myself
Beating myself up for what you’ve lost
Looking inside of myself
To see it all go wrong

It’s easier to blame me
And to hate myself at times
It’s easier to be guilty
And that way I won’t hate who you’ve become

I’m to blame, can’t you see
It’s easy do you see
To blame me, and save you
Mistakes are in the past
Long forgotten…

I believed that I could save the world
I believed I was a helpful ear
Gave myself too much credit
Can’t even save myself
My intuition fails me
I can’t save you from yourself
I can’t imagine how you’re doing
And you’re too far gone to be found

And
I’m to blame, can’t you see
It’s better this way
To blame me, and find you
It will never be the same
Long forgotten…

Automatically
I just think of you
Since the day you left
That’s all I can do

Waiting without knowing kills me, I hope you realize
And impatiently I wait to look at your eyes
And every single day I cry deep inside of me
There’s no way to live without you here with me

Though I seem invincible
It’s fatal and essential
That you return
Return to me
Return, Oh
This pain is suffocating
Now I sit here still expecting
For you to you return
You to return
Return
Why do you torture me so?

Inevitably
I am without peace
What’s become of me
Since our final kiss

You say I have no reason to react this way
That you’ve made your choice
And to be out of your way
But I’m not ready to break the ties that bind you to me
Be considerate; I’m suffering can’t you see

Though I seem invincible
It’s fatal and essential
That you return
Return to me
Return, Oh
This pain is suffocating
Now I sit here still expecting
For you to you return
You to return
Return
Why do you torture me so?

Translated from Bebe's "Tu Silencio"

Like jumping off a cliff without a rope
You fall you fall you fall, you fall
Like accidentally getting too close
You shut your eyes to avoid

That the air’s like glass
Ready to crack
And though it’s strange I want you to be mine
That the air’s like glass
Ready to crack
And though it’s strange I want you to be mine

Like a wave that surrenders to a rock
You are crushed and silenced by your words and thoughts

And now I’m not here
And now you’re not here
Our silence is the most eloquent lie.
And now I’m not here
And now you’re not here
Our silence is the most eloquent lie.

My silence lives within yours
And within me lives
A distant piece of you
My silence lives within yours
And within my eyes lives
A fading piece of you
And now that you’re here
And now that I’m here
Hold me so that I may think of you again
And now that you’re here
And now that I’m here
Hold me so that I may think of you again

The air’s like glass
Ready to crack
Though my lips don’t speak
I want you back

Why do I try so hard. I mess up so hard and can't pick up the pieces. it's so frustrating. and i end up losing.


Why try
To be heard
Whisper softly
Go unheard
And try again and again
Endlessly

Keep on
Going unheard
Whisper softly
Apologizing
Trying harder
Uselessly

So I whisper and I scream
Going crazy and it seems
That I am wasting my breath
Tearing at the seams
From a whisper to a scream

Waiting
To be heard
Screaming loudly
Impatiently
Wasting time after time
Till the end

So I whisper and I scream
Going crazy and it seems
That I am wasting my breath
Tearing at the seams
From a whisper to a scream

In this time of reflection on the past year, my family always forces us to say aloud what we're thankful for. It's always the same every year, a family, friends, bonds, togetherness. But we never really think about that until we hold hands in a circle. All throughout the year we are burdened by bills and dates and deadlines and dilemmas. We are under pressure, so much that we refuse to stop and give thanks for what we cannot control. So are we ever truly thankful aside from this one day every year? I think so. The thanks is implied in the kind words we do have time to share. I'm thankful for the bonds I've managed to keep in tact with friends, though far away. Though we have so much going on in our lives , so many changes, so may memories still unknown, we mange to keep in touch. I hope to never wonder how a best friend may be doing. I always want to know how they are. I'm thankful for awareness. Every night I pray to be kept aware that I am blessed despite things that may cause me to feel otherwise. I'm thankful that I have such a strong support system, parents, siblings, cousins, old teachers, friends. People who believe I can do anything when I am in complete doubt of myself and my worth. I'm thankful for so many things I would never know I was had I not written this down. We forget, we take for granted, we ignore our feelings and ourselves until we are forced. I guess subconsciously we all procrastinate, even for good things.

the recent images of fidel castro have Cubans making bets, making plans, cashing in jars of pennys for plane tickets... this seems too goodto be true. i'm so excited to see whats going to happen to my little country. it will be such a tremendous timne, historically. i'm still unsure of the outcome. his death was something we cynically have been awaiting for decades. now that it is near, it's hard to believe. it's something that's always thought about, dreamt about, but now, i'm a little afraid. things could be worse. things could also be better, and make every livinfg cuban, and also those who sadly never witnessed this day, dreams come true. it's a tremendous time, i'm so worried/thrilled/nervous/ecstatic. I can't wait to make my pilgrimage.

Esta la cosa bien difícil para celebrar
No tienen lechón pa’ azar
Ni arbolito de Navidad
Es que esta la cosa bien difícil para festejar
Dicen que el Niñito llora
A ver su gente no gozar

No tienen nada pa’ comprar
Ni tienen con que regalar
No tienen ganas de bailar
Con lo sofocantes que están

Es que esta la cosa bien difícil para celebrar
No tienen de comer esta Navidad
Esta la cosa bien mal para olvidar
Que se han huido llorando
Dejándolo toda al azar

No tienen razón pa’ cantar
Ni tienen con que regalar
No tienen ganas de bailar
Con lo atrapados que están

Aunque esté la cosa bien difícil esta Navidad
Se ponen a hablar, y a nostalgiar
No necesitan regalos, se ponen a soñar
De libertad y alegría
Y un arbolito de Navidad.

I have no words. Which apparently I don't need a blog to prove-- just an essay. I got my first essay back today, and it totally crushed my spirit and my confidence. Writing was the only thing I had, I thought, over some people. I could turn a phrase, and write a killer sentence. I had my own style, my own cadence. I knew how to flow. I I I I I . Repetetive. It's like all the praise I've reciweved about my writing could possibly be false. It's? It what? Vague Pronouns. I'm feeling an overwhelming sense of uselessness, overthinking things. But I'm so goal oriented and so many of my goals have to do with my (in)ability to write. And if I'm not as good as I feel I am, or as others have told me I am, then where now? Maybe I am Stockton material. Maybe I think too much of myself. I may be no better than the changelings. I'm mediocre. I'm an averge writing with an average capacity towards knowledge. When you are constantly being reminded of your talent, or your gift as Walter put it, and meet someone who thinks you're giftless, talentless, "stupid", it's shocking, and shattering. When he gave me back my essay he said "youre not stupid" which hints that he thhought I was. My essays showed glimmrs of promise. My essays for Walter showe d "glimmers of brilliance" fucking brilliance. Where did that all go? Where am I supposed to go? I'm so confused.

Cierras los ojos
Para ignorar
Que esta vida es llena
De llanto y soledad

Estrechas los brazos
Te pones a volar
Fuera de esta vida
Persiguiendo la verdad

Das reino suelto a lo que sientes
Te pones a llorar al no sentir
Buscas otra vida en vez de este
Te pones a llorar al no vivir

Hoy no se encuentra nada
Caminas, caminas, sin parar
Hoy buscas lo perdido
Buscas lo bailado, y lo reído
Y estalla tu corazón
Por lo que no se ha vivido

Pasas por frío
Para poder sentir
Algo de la vida
Algo físico, algo emocional

Te encierres por dentro
No dejas a nadie entrar
Desde el día que te fuiste
Todo se puso a cambiar

Das reino suelto a lo que sientes
Te pones a llorar al no sentir
Buscas otra vida en vez de este
Te pones a llorar al no vivir

Hoy no se encuentra nada
Caminas, caminas, sin parar
Hoy buscas lo perdido
Buscas lo bailado, y lo reído
Y estalla tu corazón
Por lo que no se ha vivido

Hoy te encuentras con nadie
Ignoras, ignoras, y pierdes
Hoy buscas a un amigo
Y los ha perdido todos
Y estalla tu corazón solitario
Por todo lo que has perdido.

Crossroads. Confusion. Uncertainty. I've been worried about this day since May 2006. And November 2 is fast approaching and I remain unprepared. THE OC GREYS ANATOMY THE OC GREYS ANATOMY. I love them both. Openly. McSleepy could laugh if he wishes. He hasnt yet. But he LOLed at Greys the first time we met. Thats when Istopped talking to him. "Youre all invited to bite me"-Phoebe Buffay. It feels weird to have to wait a day to watch the OC, which brought me joy each and every thursday night and happily filled the gaping gaping hole in my heart left when my FRIENDS walked down the hallway of my life forever. The OC was good! and jucier than Friends, thugh not as funny. Greys is better than the OC. But Im not ready to give up on my Summer just yet. And when the season DOES end, I'll feel very very sad. I may cry the tears I couldnt shed for FRIENDS.

I miss quiet.

.... Prefiero despertar. Except for today. Today,for the first time in a long time, I want to sleep. I have been criticizing and mocking sleepers for so long, those who crawl out of bed and thrash around their bedsheets as the sunlight beams onto them. But today, I want to be a sleeper. I want to ignore deadlines and duedates and classes. I want to roll around ymy beechsheetsand rather than mock sleepers for sleeping I want to mock themfor not having such comfortable bedding. I want to do sick things. I want to drink juice and be brought food by old Cubans named Abuelo and Abuela and cough up phleghm into a trashcan that is not shared and watch DVDs and TV Land and and and. Dorms are not soothing. They are not comforting. They are not eas y places to be sick in. It is hard to focus and hard to get rid of a headache when the changelings WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO for no reason. they WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO out of lack of knowing any other word. Tonight, I stare at my bed, my comfortable sheets, my extremely soft furry target blanket, and my puffy comforter. Its taunting me. But the huge amount of postits stuck to my wall with dates and projects laughs at it, because the post its know they are winning. and my bed and i are sad that we cannot be together.

Dear coffee maker. Today, you are my best friend. i want nothing more than to have you give off sweet deep smells as i lay in bed and watch Grey's Anatomy. That day, dear coffee-maker, would be absolutely perfect. What would make it even better is if my bed were the only bed in this room. but i must share. I have to share noise, space, and sweet coffee-smelling air. I'm not good at sharing. i was always yelled at in school for it. But ihave been considerate. I do not play my music while the unnamed is in here. Yet he plays his. This may surprise you, (readers, not coffeemaker, though I still love you boo) but I do not enjoy Eminem, 50 Cent, or all sound same yelly rock music. This is very frustrating, he sucks at sharing as well, and is not considerate. I should stop trying.

As long as I'm here, it won't get any easier to leave. We all had a very bad day. It's hard to talk about, I broke my dad, or he broke me, we broke eachother. not on purpose. but he's the only person who knows what I'm going through, he knows everything and understands everything. It's a lot to handle right now.

Translated from Shakira's "No"

What’s the point in apologizing
Stop insisting to be heard
Your excuses are an outdated waste of breath
Don’t look at me longingly
With hopeless dreams of us
Lethally armed with toxic hurtful words

For the last time, I’m begging to be free
I can still feel you deep inside of me
Killing Me
At your age you proclaim maturity
You should know not to treat others like you have me

How can anyone live with so much poison
I had so much hope for you and me
Hoping we’d never be
Apart
It breaks my heart

How can anyone live with so much poison
You can’t dedicate your life
Ignoring good intentions
Ignoring all the world
Drowning in your poison

I hope you don’t expect me to expect to see you
Coming around soon
I’ve run out of what little patience I had

I drift, deciding back and forth
Searching blindingly
Maybe you’ll be bothered and leave me be

For the last time, I’m begging to be free
I can still feel you deep inside of me
Killing Me
At your age you proclaim maturity
You should know not to treat others like you have me


How can anyone live with so much poison
I had so much hope for you and me
Hoping we’d never be
Apart
It breaks my heart

How can anyone live with so much poison
You can’t dedicate your life
Ignoring good intentions
Ignoring all the world
Drowning in your poison

If I had worked harder, if i had taken things more seriously, if i were smarter and better prepred, i wouldn't be here right now. and for now, i am stuck. stuck amidst a sea of people i do not like. i've tried, believe me. i've extended myself, others have extended theirselves, and i find no one here i click to. mentally, they all lack several dozen iq points. i know i'm not smart, but i definitely do not sound stupid when i speak, i'm definitely capable of coherence in thought and sentence. they however are not. they all have stupid catch phrases like "i hear that". They're attention spans are comparable to that of a flea and the amount of effort is put more into super smash brothers than the impending deadline of a paper. they lack focus, they lack spunk, they lack personality. everything here lacks personality. everything here is just ... here. the people here just exist. they have no plans they have no goals they have o motivation. they are content with their place in the world and have no motivation, drive, or reason to move forwards. it's horrifying here. is this what the college experience is? is this what we work all our lives to arrive to? I doubt it. So for now, I'm stuck at the lopsided college experience, the world of the unmotivated, the land where time stands still. i wish i could talk to my parents, i wish i could tell them what its like here, and be completely honest. but they'd worry, they'd feel bad, and they can't do anything. I've lied, i've tried, i really did try. i really tried to make the best of a bad bad situation. but no one's clicking, nothing's happening. everyone's at the same mental capacity. i regret not doing better, i regret not applying a little out of my reach. i regret a lot of things, but most of all i regret ever agreeing to come here.

Get a sense of where I am
I come to my senses
The path that Im treading
Is winding
Is winding down
Around here
There’s nothing
Around here
There’s no one
There’s nothing

It’s me standing alone
On my own
Summing up the strength
Growing a set
And letting go
Letting go

Try to remember what I dreamt last night
Regain my sight
In the blinding sunlight
It’s clear here
I’m unclear
Where am I going
I’m unclear
What am I doing
What the hell

It’s me standing alone
On my own
Summing up the strength
Growing a set
And letting go
Letting go

That fear that’s often dreaded
Left unsaid
Left to take its toll on
Unsuspecting optimists
Like me
Had taken me over
Had tried to take over
Unsuccessfully

It’s me standing alone
On my own
Summing up the strength
Growing a set
And letting go
Letting go

The Hispanic family is a very complex beautiful thing. It should be studied, it should be envied. Not many are lucky to have what I do, and feel the love and support I feel. Not many feel so much comfort with so many people. I love my family. I cannot think what life is like without them constantly near me. I was talking to Michelle and she said that we're both so close to our families and though I'mn closer time wise, it's going to be hard fr me. Being in SF is hard for her, she thought it would get easier. but when you're raised in such a loving environment, it's hard to be alone. it's hard to be quiet, and be with no one. we're loud, we're fun. Nothing Cuban is ever quiet. And now, it's just me and the quiet. It'll take getting used to. It'll be hard being way, not seeing everybody every week for dinner or on the street. It's going to be hard not hearing everybody downstairs. It doesn't get easier when you're that close. The Latin family is close-knit. It's such a strong unbelieveable bond. Family is so important. It's going to be hard not being here for everthing now.

This is the start of a new end
Everything is just beginning
Everything is at my feet
On my shoulders

I hide away in nothing
Nowhere to be found
I’m not looking for anyone
Nobody’s even around

I’m all alone
The world’s on my back
And all I want to do is turn around
I’m all alone
Just looking back
No one that I know is still around

There’s a million ways
To go from here
To start from here
Where to now

I hide away in nothing
Nowhere to be found
I’m not looking for anyone
Nobody’s even around

I’m all alone
The world’s on my back
And all I want to do is turn around
I’m all alone
Just looking back
No one that I know is still around

I feel very aware of what's happening tomorrow. It's irritating, but it's nice to feel.

Everyone's acting like I'm dying. Like moving two hours away is a prison sentence, which I guess it sometimes can be seen as. I keep getting calls. I keep getting questions. I'm tired ofwriting about this. Tired. But it's frustrating. I'm not dying! HA HA I'm just going to school.

Always waiting for things to fall on me
Let things just happen to me
Never doing the happening
Never finding a reason to
Ever care of doing
Or even care of finding
I’ll be found when the time is right

Meet life halfway
Shake life’s hand
Figure life out
So this is what they’re always talking about

Halfway home, on my way away
From here
Halfway gone a few more days away
From seemingly free
Freedoms not all it’s cracked up to be

Lying in my comfort zone safe, home
Lying here free, and alone
Giving up too soon
Trying to find some good
In growing and
In knowing
No one’s going to care that I’ve grown anymore

Meet life halfway
Shake life’s hand
Figure life out
So this is what they’re always talking about

Halfway home, on my way away
From here
Halfway gone a few more days away
From seemingly free
Freedoms not all it’s cracked up to be

The key to surviving our transitional years, 16, 17, 18 19, is denial. As teenagers, we deny that we're scared, we deny that we want to be the best, we deny that we aren't the best. The worst thing of all, we deny the fact that we are in denial. All the lies, we lie to ourselves so much that after a while the lies start to seem like the truth. We deny so much that we can't seem to see the truth sitting right in front of us. Staring at us. Taunting us. I try to be honest,and I usually am. This is a very transitional time for me, and for about everyone in my life right now. It would be nice to hear others' truths without letting my own pick away at me. I think everyone at this age is fearful inside. "The world of pretend is a cage, not a cocoon. We can only lie to ourselves" And what good will lying do when the truth and the toll it takes on us is visible on our pale worried faces? I'm not that scared of leaving home. I'm close, I can be home quickly if it ever becomes too much. It's just, the idea, the word 'college'is intimidating and daunting. It's the last step. It's it. And if you don't make it, you're screwed. I'm scared of the burden it brings. I'm scared of what it means. And I don't ever deny it. I've been asked are you worried? Are you excited?" and I've answered both because it is both. It's such an exciting thing, it's life-changing, it's life-starting. But it's actual life. Not mommy daddy life. Not "I'll meet you in gym class" life. No more "did Mr Koszyk mention Cuba I nyour class too Rob? "Yeah and he looked at me first to see if I was okay with it" no more childishness. That's frightening. That's exciting. It's tiring to think about. It's tiring denying. We are scared. WE are tired. There's no denying, truth is unchangeable. "Welcome Weeks" across the globe are filled with pale worried kids muttering what the hell to themselves and playing with crappy food. Sooner or later, when we put aside our denial, we'll be able to face the world and be stronger for it. We'll be stronger when we are able to feel things, to experience the world honestly, emotionally. When we put aside our hardheadedness and our seemingly hardheartedness, we'll be able to face the world.

...Just thoughtful. Right now, I dont know what to think about. What lies ahead is so massive, so much to think about, so intimidating. Too much. I'm not dead inside. I just hate talking about thiings like this. College is something we've heard about since chhildren. It's been builtup into this gigantanourmous gateway portal thingy to our unknown futures. That's terrifying. I'm not dead inside. I think about shit like this. I don't like blogging about it. It's horibble to think that I won't be in class with any of the same people anymore. To think that I won't see any of my friends again until winter. Thats a ssucky thought when it's still muggy and hot outside. I'm not good at new places. I'm quiet. And what I loved about high school was for some reason I made ftiends. I don't know how they happened, but they did. And I'm sure they'll happen in college too. But for the first time I'm going there with no one. Absolutely no oe. Myspace and Facebook are my connection to the people I'm... connected... to. Fucking facespace. I hate them, but now I love them. I hope to never have to ask any of my friends "how've you been? What've you been upto?" That would been we've losttouch. That can't ever happen. Not again.

Everything’s changing
As I try to hang on
The world keeps on spinning
And they all move on

What if I held tighter
Would it make any difference
If I were stronger
I could move on

But I’m not ready
I’m still a kid inside
I’m not complicated
And I’ve got nothing to hide
Life’s not as simple
As we’ve been told
But I’m just a kid
Not ready to grow
And let go.

When I was small
I was always told
You’ll know it all
When you get old

But I still know nothing
About this here world
They’re so pulled together
And I’m still a mess

Cause I’m not ready
I’m still a kid inside
I’m not complicated
And I’ve got nothing to hide
Life’s not as simple
As we’ve been told
But I’m just a kid
Not ready to grow
And let go.

Maybe it’ll be easier
When I see that place
Maybe I’ll be stronger
If I grow and finally face
The world
Maybe when I grow
When I finally know
I’ll be okay
Until that day…

I won’t be ready
I’ll still be a kid inside
Still not complicated
Still got nothing to hide
Life’s still not as simple
As we’ve been told
But I’m still a kid
Not ready to grow
And let go.

-------------------RED----------------------
1. Closest red thing to you?:
the sheets on my bed. aren't red sheets sexy

2. Last thing to make you angry?
my dad

3. Do you have a temper?
really mean one

4. Are you a fan of romance?:
no. i hate all that lovey gooey brouhaha

-------------------ORANGE-------------------
1. Closest orange thing to you?:
my Reba DVD

2. Do you like to burn things?:
No. I've burbed food, and that makes me sad.

3. Dress up for Halloween?:
used to. last year i went as seth cohen. because i wore a blue sweater i was in costume, Robert doesnt wear blue. Seth does!

4. Are you usually a warm-hearted person?:
I can be very nice, but some see me as mean spirited. but i secretly care a lot about my friends. secretly

5. Are you usually full of energy?
after a coffee maybe

-------------------YELLOW-------------------
1. Closest yellow thing to you?
a blank VHS cover

2. The happiest time[s] of your life?
eight grade then sophomore junior and senior year. freshmen year was hard.

3.Favorite holiday:
christmas

4. Are you a coward?:
sometimes

5. Do you burn or tan?:
if i stay in the sun just the right amount of time my arms tan. my nose and face always get reddish though, which i think looks cutttttttttte ha ha

-------------------GREEN-------------------
1. Closest green thing to you?:
my post its

2. Do you care about the enviroment?:
yeah, thats the one thing i really love about my school. it's so deserted, it's all trees and clean air. yup thats the one thing ha ha

3. Are you jealous of anyone right now?:
you'd think so,, but nope

4. Are you a lucky person?
life could always be worse

5. Do you always want what you can't have?
i guess? I'm poor, i want rich people clothes? meh. I'm pretty satisfied

6. Do you like being outdoors?:
if it's clowdy. or if it's cld. or if it's just stopped raining. the smell of freshly fallen rain is the most peceful smell ever

7. Are you Irish?:
Thank God no. I can't even imagine how boring that would be. Everyone's friggin Irish.

-------------------BLUE-------------------
1. Closest blue thing to you?
Kelly's t shirt in my picture with her

2. Are you good at calming people down?:
Depends. I am good at rationalizing situations. I was told I give good advice the other day.

3. Do you like the sea?:
it's relaxing. but also gross that fish AND humans piss in it

4. What was the last thing that made you cry?
I'll never tell. I don't cry. Though I did sort of a few days ago.

5. Are you a logical thinker?:
Not at all. I'm sort of good ata planning and reasoning, but I'm way ourtt of the box.

6. Can you sleep easily?:
sadly, no.

---------------------PURPLE-------------------
1. Closest purple thing to you?:
Mom's shirt near the washing machine

2. Like being treated to expensive things?:
No i feel weird being given things. I like to give

3. Do you like mysterious things?:
Read this question, thought Jesus. Yes.

4. Favorite type of chocolate?:
Milk or white

5.re you creative?:
i like to think so.

-------------------PINK-------------------
1. Closest pink thing to you?:
my nipples

2. Do you like sweet things?:
once in a while

3. Like play-fighting?:
not particularly

4. Are you sensitive?:
only by myself

5. Do you like punk music?:
no. my roommate does, that will be exciting.

-------------------WHITE-------------------
1. Closest white thing to you?:
computer paper

2. Would you say you're innocent?:
sure. i dont think i'd do well being naugty. im not hot enough for naughty

3. Always try to keep the peace?:
depends who it involves

4. How do you imagine your wedding?
in montelchino italy. already taken? bah.

5. Do you like to play in the snow?:
ha ha yes.

6. Are you afraid of going to the doctors or dentist?:
yes

-------------------BLACK-------------------
1. Closest black thing to you?:
my hoodie

2. Ever enjoy hurting people?:
emotionally? i used to. i've mellowed. they dont cry (on the outside) anymore

3. Are you sophisticated or silly?:
both, a time and place for everything

4. Would you like to go to space?:
if i didnt have to learn science

5. Do you have a lot of secrets?:
yes. not intentionally, i just don't offer up information to people so easily.

6. What is your favorite color?:
brown red gray green

7. Does the color you wear affect your mood?
brown? shitty mood? he he