Caveman, Stress, Assholeiness Etc.0 commentsIt's late, I have one very small lamp on, but my room's as bright as it ever really gets. It's dark in here, which is hard for me. I bump into things a lot, but more than that, it puts me in a bad mood. I'm one of those people who says they enjoy the creativity found in a cloudy day, but I also crave a bright sunny one. It might be one of those seasonal things that people get, where people feel healthier and more alive drenched in sunlight. I don't know for sure, but I do notice a difference in my demeanor when I'm surrounded by darkness. Over the next 2 weeks....0 commentsi'm gonna be a douche bag
i'm gonna have a short temper i'll be extremely sensitive and emotional i'll take everything too seriously i won't mean much of what i say i might say things i regret i'll need to be comforted a lot i'll need to be listened to i'm really nervous and scared. i have no possible way of passing this class, and i'm not just saying that. there's no way. nd i'm resigning myself more and more to that idea and it scares me. it's making me edgy and sad. i'm taking out my frustrations on people around me. i take everything people do and say so seriously lately, it has nothing to do with them, it's just my own messy mind. i guess people need to just be patient with me for a bit. it's a bad time. end of the semester always is. but this one sucks more than ever. i'm scared out of my mind. beyond any level of description, i've never really failed a class before. i don't know what happens. i'm freaking out. Itunes Playlist0 comments
What if i was a famous person? Or someone important enough for itunes to ask to do one of those nifty self indulgent playlists in which a notable person assumes that their taste in music is so great that it must be shared. Well, I've always thought about what mine would consist of. Diana Ross's was all Diana Ross songs, which I found extremely funny. As if to say-- what other music is out there? You should only be listening to Endless Love, earthlings. Still I've wondered what mine would say about me. If i'd pick happy songs, sad songs... if I'd only put the indie, folksy or alt stuff I listen to in order to appear cool, or if I'd have the guts to slip in some Gloria music, because let's face it, she's a big part of my music & my life. Would I be able to represent myself properly in 15-20 songs? Or would I try and appear like something that I'm not. Well, I'm gonna try it, and I guess we'll see if i look like a douche or like Rob once it's all over.
1- Gloria Estefan "Mi Tierra" - I did it! She's here! But okay, this was the first song other than the ABCs and Twinkle TWinkle that I learned the words to. I was 3 years old, and I heard it once and was hooked. I asked my dad who was singing, he told me, and I said "Hey dad can we go to Sam Goody?" he asked why... "Because we have to buy all her cassettes." 2-Alanis Morissette "Your House"- She's a creepy crazy stalker and I love it! I love her voice on this song, it kinda feels like she actually did this crazy shit, like she recorded it in his robe, in his room, with his CDs all over the place. Intense, terrifying, but strangely pretty. I hope I never feel this way about a person. 3- The Beatles "Drive My Car"- I could pick a million, but I'm picking this one. Because it's the only Beatles song I ever admitted that I liked to my Dad until recently. He used to play it fot me as a kid and we'd sing along all loud and obnoxious in the living room, because I loved screaming "Beep Beep, Beep Beep Yeahhh!" 4- Ingrid Michaelson "Sort Of"- I'm not sure what she means, the lyrics are all over the place. Is she scared, is she in love? I guess they're the same thing, huh? "I find you stunning, but you are running me down" i love that. 5- Janet Jackson "That's The Way Love Goes"- I wasn't sure what I felt first time I heard this song. I was young. Now I know I was just turned on. This song is sexy as hell, but not gross. It's classy sexy. Her voice, that video, oh boy! 6- Juanes "SueƱos"- Political, but in a nice way. It's not about America, or Cuba, but it could be. And that's why it means a lot to me. I'm not a political person, but I would like things to be as peaceful as he does in this song. He's fighting kind of, and this song always gets me riled up. 7-Kate Nash "We Get On"- I love the lyrics to this song. It's so cute, but conversational which is something I love about the way she writes. I love the throwback sound of this song. Also love how it sounds like this actually happened. She's telling a story that most of us can relate to 8- Kelly Clarkson "All I Know"- Like we weren't expecting her to show up. favorite song of her's ever, and I'm not sure why. It's stripped down, she sang it once, it's nothing special, and still i fnd it gorgeous and meaningful. i don't think her writing has ever been as thoughtful or mature as it was on this song. For God's sake, I hope it's not written about Justin! 9- Jason Mraz "Sleeping To Dream"- Gorgeous. Amazing. Who else knows how to write about such a simple sentiment with such perfection and eloquence? No one else can put that silly childish feeling of having a crush on someone and not getting them out of your head like Jason! We've all been there, trying to will ourselves to dream of someone, the person that makes us happiest at the time, just because it feels nice. One of my fave songs ever. ever ever ever 10- Jennifer Lopez "Let's Get Loud"- Before a speech or presentation in class, I put my ipod on, i crank this up, and i get psyched. This song revs me up like no other, and it still makes me happy, makes me dance, and calms me down. Jlo & a cup of coffee are my speech routine! 11- Aretha Franklin "Rocksteady"- Runner up for my get psyched song. What it is what it is!! such a fun song, with a dirty bass that gets you going. They don't make them like this anymore. Picking one aretha song was hard ass work, cause I love her. 12-Michael Jackson "Black or White"- Janet's not the only Jackson on this thing! This song, from the first guitar riff still gets me all goosebumpy. Just the beat in itself makes it a great song that superficially as a kid I loved. Then the lyrics begin to resonate and it becomes all the more powerful. Brilliant songwriting and a wonderful message for anyone whose ever felt oppressed or victimized racially. It just feels good to hear someone put it all out there and stop taking everyone's bullshit, which is what made him such a gifted writer. 13- Ray Lamontagne "Forever My Friend"- his voice breaks your heart. I couldn't tell if this was a happy or sad song at first listen until I read the lyrics just because he always sounds so shattered. I guess that's his thing, but this is a beautiful song. 14- Shakira "Inevitable"- Putting herself out there. These are all the reasons why you shouldn't be with me. There's nothing worthwhile in me other than the fact that I love you. This was back when she was brilliant, now she's a she wolf. I MISS THIS, BE AMAZING AGAIN PLEASE. 15- Sugarland "Small Town Jericho"- I don't know what a life like this is like. My town is small but urban, we don't talk to our neighbors and we don't know people's business. I just think the way this is set up is really pretty, and the way it's written is so perfect. Almost makes me wish I was from the burbs. OK I could have put a lot more, from each artist. But i tried to use as many of the people whose music has maent a lot to me as i could. There's a million more songs from each that have moved me in one way or another over the years. But doing a second one of these is too much work. I HOPE I DIDNT END UP SOUNDING LIKE A DOUCHE. Thanks Bye. Sanity Break0 commentsSpring Break. For some it's a sloppy drunken sloppy series of regrettable beach romps, for others it's a week of sleep. Some people take the opportunity to reconnect with family or friends, this is the option I chose. Farms, trees, Walmart, and awesome company. I took a break from the City this week, something that I didn't know I needed until I was away. At first I thought a week away from school would have been enough, but leaving the environment of NYC completely helped me regain some semblance of sanity and helped me feel better about finishing the rest of the semester.
I'm not a City snob. I'm not one of those people who thinks small towns are quaint and the people who live there are "simple." Because the people I've met from small towns and suburban areas have become people I've grown quite close to over time. I've always said that I would never take back going to Stockton, because the friends I made are still friends I care about. And now I feel like I have "people" upstate, in a town I never knew existed until recently. The air was clean, the food was GOOD, the company was great, and I can't wait to go back. If anything, going there every once in a while will calm me down. My brain wasn't hectic, I was relaxed and I was happy. Sometimes, the City absorbs you, and pounds on your chest. Going into the City every day stops being fun after a while. Getting off the bus I'm reminded of chores, or things impending, of a series of unfortunate tasks that await me every week. The City's one giant monstrous To Do List that i love and hate. There are times where I can't imagine living anywhere else, and many times where I feel like I'd excel so much more anywhere else in the country. Here's to hoping t hat New York doesn't eat me up by Finals! When I was a kid I....0 comments
Happy Day 5 :Writing Important Stuff on Post Its2 comments![]() I like doing this, writing post its for people that are so nice or important that they can't throw them away. It's an easy space to write how you feel, it's so tiny you can't elaborate too much or get too invested. So I use post its to casually explain my sentiments. I'm only nice on very small pieces of paper. The bigger the paper, the more space I have to screw up and seem weird. Thanks for reading, kids! You all put up with too much of my bitching :) Happy Day 4: The Oldest Photo In My House0 comments![]() These are my grandparents on their wedding day. In the other photo I have of this day, she looks thrilled, and he looks nauseous. She was 32 in this picture and he was 21! Total role reversal for their era and their culture. By her age, she was considered over the hill, totally useless. At his age, he wasn't expected to settle down, he had oats to sew. But here they are, nauseous and thrilled, relieved to have someone, terrified! He was a box boy at the general store my grandmother worked at. Several sideways glances and long stares later, he mustered up the courage to ask her out. On their first date my grandmother told him "Now, I know you're young and like to have fun, but I don't have time to waste. Do you think we'll get married?" I think she's the person I get my impatience from. But also, how ballsy of her to ask that! So not like the women of that time, or again of her culture. Cuban women STILL don't act like that. Amazing, ballsy. She may be also why I'm the only latin male feminist! But yeah, they got married because she twisted his arm. My grandfather has always dragged his feet; he never got things done on his own. She's always been the one who pushed. She pushed to move to America, to send dad to private school, she made my grandfather learn English, etc. She's an amazing woman who's been in control of her destiny for the past 60 years at least. And still, she loves my grandfather with all her heart. He makes her sick, he makes her roll her eyes, but she can't be without him. They have the kind of relationship that's lasted so long that they don't need to be nice to each other anymore. It's the sort of life where they say "well, that's how you are, I get that. I can't effin stand you but I'll probably die right after you do." They're remarkably connected. This picture is something I've sat and stared at for hours, trying to recreate that day, imagine it in color, in real life. I've put together monologues in my mind of what they said to each other, or what he said under his breath that morning. I've wondered how her nervous stomach was that day, if she yelled at anyone, or if she cried. Thinking about how they met is something I do quite often, because it's a story I've heard bits and pieces of over the years as they remember it. And it freaks me out to see them there, smiling wrinkle free, before the rest of their lives had begun. Theater Fans! Happy Day 30 comments![]() I'm poor. growing up, the TKTS line was my mom's best friend. We'd get on this line and see what they had. Now although we didn't always end up going to the best shows (Saturday Night Fever..,) it made for some great memories and was always exciting to not know what we would be going to see that night. These people are waiting on that line and I really hope they had as exciting a night as we used to have! Things that make me happy #20 comments Looking through my Dad's old records.My dad used to be badass, he had good taste in music and used to buy records all the time, of many different genres. Now his iPod is all Beatles, some other stuff but the majority of it belongs to "The boys" as he calls them. I had no idea dad liked Michael Jackson. I know my mother does, she has some CDs and last night she came in here and danced when I had Thriller on. But I was shocked to see some MJ in with my dad's things. He's a music fan, and over the years he's become less accepting of different genres, and his taste has mellowed significantly. He was never a rock dude, he hated when the Beatles "got loud and weird," but it's good to know that there was a time in his life where he was a fan of good music, despite the genre. Dad used to be pretty cool! ![]()
Things that make me happy Day 1 :)0 commentsBeing able to still see the lights in the city even on the sunniest day of the year. Seriously, the sun hurt even with glasses, but the lights were still ablaze in full force. When I have a bad day or a long day, I take the long way home to see the lights all over the city. Times Square, the theater district, it's all very good. It makes me feel very cheerful in a way I can't really describe. Maybe it's the same reason I sit under the tree around Christmas, the lights just make me feel really at peace. So there's day 1, I'm giving this a shot. I don't think I did terribly! Day 2's a good one, I can feel it! Celebrities I swear were on the street today0 comments
1-- Cheech Marin
2-- Ellen Pompeo 3-- Clive Davis 4-- Robert Pattinson Likelihood of these actually being them, about zero, except Cheech who
Happy Blog!0 commentsThis week, I've decided to start a happy project. Inspired by another blog someone recently shared with me, I'm gonna do some fun happy blogs and stop acting like the sky is falling. But I'm also going to try and post every day. For at least 5, or until something shitty happens. But I have to act like less of a whiney brat, right? So, here we go-- Happy week!!
Late Night Survey0 comments***FAVORITES*** GIRL SCOUT COOKIE: Trefoils & Thanks_a-Lots SPORT TO PLAY: Scrabble? SPORT TO WATCH: The Olympics i guess HOLIDAY: Christmas, My Birthday! THING TO DO WITH FRIENDS: Movies, long walks, coffee, theater REALITY SHOW: I guess Idol ***EITHER/OR*** MOVIE THEATRE/AT HOME: At Home, but I do like going to the movies. HARRY POTTER/LORD OF THE RINGS: Potter TELETUBBIES/THE WIGGLES: Teletubbies TARGET/K-MART: TARGET OLD METALLICA/NEW METALLICA: No Metallica. DOGS/CATS: Dogs TODDLERS/BABIES: Both terrifying. But toddlers cause they have little personalities FUCK/MAKE LOVE: Either? Now? Please? ***HAVE YOU EVER*** GOTTEN IN A FIGHT: Not a violent one FALLEN IN YOUR SHOWER: No thank God, big fear of mine!! PASSED OUT DRUNK: HAHA No. The one time I was drunk I just felt bored and sleepy and thought "if this is it, I'm never doing this again" COME CLOSE TO DYING: No HAD DETENTION: Yes, 5 times TAKEN THE BLAME FOR SOMEONE: Probably. My best friend in grammar school was kind of the kid who got in trouvle a lot for being stupid. So i stuck up for him SLEPT ALL DAY LONG: Yes, after not sleeping for 2 THROWN UP IN CLASS: No! There was a bir thday where basically the cupcakes were rotten/ laced with poison??? Because EVERYONE threw up, but I was fine GONE TO CLASS HIGH: Nope, never ever ever PLAYED TRUTH OR DARE: Yes PLAYED SPIN THE BOTTLE: Yes ***RANDOM QUESTIONS*** CRIED BECAUSE YOU MISSED SOMEONE: Yes, shit! WOULD YOU EVER TAKE A CAREER IN LAW ENFORCEMENT: Uh huh, cause I'd be taken seriously! WHO ARE YOU CLOSEST WITH IN YOUR FAMILY: Mom, Brandi HAVE SOMEONE YOU CAN TELL ANYTHING TO: Yes, a few people thankfully HAVE YOU EVER SHOPPED FOR MORE THAN 5 HOURS: Oh yes FAVORITE THING TO DO WHEN ALONE: Dance around, sing real loud Me, Today0 commentsThe first thing to make you smile today: Looking out my window and adjusting my eyes to the bright snow. It was super quiet outside but there were already kids playing at 9:00 AM. I feel bad sometimes when I act like a grown up and get angry about the snow, because I remember how much I loved it as a kid. Hearing those kids giggle when they?d fall face first into a pile of snow brought back tons of memories, and made me want to still act silly even if at my age it might seem strange. Your favorite thing to do: I like having long conversations. I like catching up with people I haven?t spoken to in years. As un-Rob as that sounds. The other day I saw my best friend from 2nd grade, and though we?re not close anymore I thought "How cool to still be connected to someone 13 years later." A few years ago I spent Christmastime with my "group" from grammar school. It was always the 6 of us every day, and every weekend, for about 10 years. We lost touch in high school as new friends were made and school rivalries took over. But seeing them again, we just clicked right back to where we used to be. I love that. As awkward as catching up with some people is, somehow it never felt weird to me to contact them. The first friends you make are the hardest to let go of. Favorite Memory: One of my favorite memories is probably my earliest. I think I was 3, and for whatever reason, it?s as vivid as if it were yesterday. First I must mention that my grandparents sleep in separate rooms, and I spent every day of my childhood in their house. So there I am, on my grandfather?s bed, my grandmother in her husband?s fancy rocking chair with the carved pineapples on it. I?m staring into their old little yellow boom box and we?re listening to Gloria Estefan. She?s telling me stories about how the songs remind her of home, of her friends, of when she met my grandfather. By this point, the tape had started to wear out significantly, and the voice was warped. I asked my grandmother why it sounded so weird and she said "well, you?ve listened to it so much, Gloria?s getting tired of singing." I thought about it for a while, finally understood it and giggled. It?s a very simple memory, but to me, it?s one of the nicest. Where you want to be right now: I like my room. I don?t feel like I?m missing out on anything staying here for the night. It?s cozy and the lights are warm. I?m in my pajamas and the night is pretty still. I know on a Friday night, some people prefer a thumping bass and a stranger?s tongue on your face, but that?s not my scene. I?m simple. I?m hanging here tonight, talking to a few of my favorite people, and everything feels right. I?m satisfied with my place. 5 at a Time0 commentsFive Things You Are Addicted To -Twitter -My iPod -Coffee -Urban Outfitters -Texting
-Australia -Hawai?i -Cuba -Macchu Pichu
Five Random Things Around You: -My eyes are crooked -I sing in the shower -I have 5 gray hairs -I don?t like to eat out -I often lie about my favorite movie or singer because Gloria Estefan and "Frida" are profoundly embarrassing
-Rabbit -Rabbi -Razor -Roses -Ringo Five Things That Always Cheer You Up -Friends -"Friends" -Music -Cooking -Hugs
-Koala -Kangaroo -Dolphin -Thing 1 (or Thing 2 I?m not picky) -Fraggle -Go meet the Cat in the Hat -Learn to fly -Have a twin that can do shit for me, like on Sister Sister -Work at Central Perk -Go to barnes and noble and move all the books in the fiction section over to the nonfiction section Friendship/Stress/Issues/Helpless0 commentsI'm pushy, I'm self centered, I think everything's about me, I try too hard, I get hooked too fast, I lose friends easily, I don't make them easily, I miss too many people, I'm nostalgic over things I haven't even done, and I get hurt quite often.
I'm an imperfect friend, but so is everyone. Sometimes I feel helpless about it, like it's my on fault for clinging to people so fast, but I'm not good at being laid back. When I met CJ we hated each other, and I find that fascinating. The longest friendship of my life had started with one of the biggest rivalries I've ever faced. Maybe that's what's kept it so solid? I knew the bad side of him going in, and I knew that it was going to be a bumpy friendship. I knew we were going to butt heads, and I knew I was going to do things that pissed him off. I often idealize people. I make them perfect in my head because I like them, and it scares me so much when I discover their bad side. My friends are imperfect, I've realized that so much more often lately, and there's nothing I can do to help. Everyone's got issues that make them all dark and twisty inside, and I can't untangle them or sort them out. My hands are tied. What's worse is my help is unwanted! So my busybody nosy attitude is just seen as me being pushy and obnoxious-- some of my imperfections. I have to work on taking things less personal. Not everything is about me. Just happens that with some of you, I'm always around, and i receive it. I end up serving as the emotional punching bag and it really realllly sucks! It hurts a lot, kids! I can't explain how shitty it feels to know I can't help, or understand what you're both going through! Everyone's got issues, but I hate keeping mine inside. As much as i t ry not to wear my heart on my sleeve, I've been a much more open person lately. My stress is out there, my dirty laundry's all over the front lawn. Everyone knows when I feel like shit, and I try to explain why, because I don't want my friends to think it's their fault. And I refuse to take out my shitty day on the people I care about. I respect my friends far too much to do that undeservedly to them. Eavesdropping0 commentsToday on the bus a pretty blonde of about my age sat next to me and smiled as she pulled out her phone and dialed. When the caller answered, all she said was "Hey..... What've you been doing?" I knew straight away that this wasn't a regular phone call, you know... the kind that demands urgency or a point. This was not the kind of phone call that had a conclusion; they had just picked up where they left off and will continue to do so. She was talking to her boyfriend I assume. You can always tell when a person's talking to their boyfriend/girlfriend just by the inflection in their voice and the things they say. She told the most boring stories to him that I'm sure he found enjoyable, and as he began telling her about his stress at work, she listened intently and let him vent. He unloaded for about 20 minutes as she agreed with everything he said. It was lovely to hear. She was 100% in h is corner, had his back. She boosted his confidence and was frustrated by the things and people that frustrated him. You can't help but be jealous of relationships like that... people who can't wait til their next call from you, whose days are brightened as the phone rings. She was stressed, her hair was a mess, but he made her smile, and he brought a bit of sanity to her messy day. Their long conversation was punctuated by long silences in which i assume, he wasn't speaking either. But that's the point isn't it? It's nice to know that your person is on the other end of the phone, and it's your job to be there for them when they have a shitty day. Maybe not for advice, or to help, but sometimes I know i need to be reminded that people are in my corner. It's important to know someone has your back. Everyone needs a person. The Truth, in Bold0 commentsI?m loud.
I?m obnoxious. I?m sarcastic. I?m cocky. I cry easily. I have a bad temper. For the most part, I don?t like people. I?m easy to get along with. I like to fight. I have more enemies than friends. I?ve smoked. I?ve smoked weed. I drink coffee. I clean my room daily. My Appearance I?m shorter than 5?5. I wear makeup. I wear a piece of jewlery at all times. I wear contacts. I wear glasses. I?ve had braces. I have braces. I change my hair color often. I straighten my hair often. My ears are pierced. I have small feet. Relationships I?m in a relationship now. I?m single. I?m crushin?. I?ve missed an ex before. I?m always scared of being hurt. An ex has physically abused me at least once. I?ve told someone I loved them when I didn?t. I?ve told someone I didn?t love them when I did. I?ve been in love more than two times. I believe in love at first sight. I believe lust is more important than love. Friendships I have a best friend. I have at least ten friends. I?ve gotten a phone call in the last 48 hours from a friend. I?ve beaten up a friend. I?ve been in a serious fight with a friend. I can trust at least five people with my life. Experiences I?ve been on a plane. I?ve been on a train. I?ve left the state/province. Someone close to me has died. I?ve taken a taxi. I?ve taken a city bus. I?ve taken a school bus. I?ve gone bungee jumping. I?ve made a speech. I?ve been in some sort of club. I?ve won an award. I?ve spent 24 hours on the computer straight. I?ve been in a physical fight. Music I listen to country. I listen to pop. I listen to techno. I listen to rock. I?m one of those people who play songs repeatedly until I hate it. I hate the radio. I download music. I buy CD?s. Television I spend at least six hours a day watching television. I watch soap operas daily. I?m in love with Days Of Our Lives. I?ve seen and like The OC. I?ve seen and like One Tree Hill. I?ve seen and like America?s Next Top Model. I?ve seen and like Popular. I?ve seen and like House. I?ve seen and like 24. I?ve seen and like CSI. I?ve seen and like Everwood. Family Life I get along with both of my parents. My biological parents are still together. I have at least one brother. I have at least one sister. I have at least one step brother/sister. I have at least one half brother/sister. I?ve been kicked out of the house. I?ve ran away from my home. I?ve sworn at my parents. I?ve made my parents cry. I?ve lied to my parents. I?ve lied to my parents about where I am. I?ve lied to my parents about what I?m doing. I?ve lied to my parents so I?d be allowed out. I?ve walked out when I?ve been grounded. Hair I?ve cut my hair in the past year. I?ve dyed my hair in the past year. I?m blonde. I?ve had black. I?ve been red. I?ve been light brown. I?ve been medium brown. I?ve been brown. I?ve had streaks. I?ve had purple/pink. I?ve been blue/green. I?ve gotten my hair thinned. I use conditioner. I?ve used silk therapy. I?ve used hot oil treatments. I?ve curled my hair. I?ve straightened my hair. I?ve ironed my hair. I?ve braided my hair. I?ve had\want dreadlocks. School I?ve thrown something at a teacher. I?ve yelled at a teacher. I?ve been suspended. I?ve had an in-school suspension. I?ve been sent to the principal?s office. I?ve walked out of class. I?ve skipped an entire day of school. I?ve skipped a whole month of one certain class. I?ve failed a test. I?ve cheated on a test. I?ve helped someone else cheat on a test. I?ve failed Art. I?ve failed P.E. I?ve failed Math. I?ve failed Science. I?ve failed another class. A teacher has called my parents. I?ve been caught skipping. I?ve been on the honor roll. I?ve been on effort honor roll Fine...0 commentsNone of my friends are fine right now. i feel like i'm the most fine, and that makes me feel bad that i can't empathize more with the situations they've found themselves in. I wish i could be a better friend, a better shoulder. Maybe i'm so self centered that I make my own problems bigger than they are, and force them to become the focus of conversation, but i do want to be there for them.
I'm not a good sharer-- of emotions or feelings or of time. I tend to control the conversation and make everything about me, which at times i feel forces people to think they can't talk about their issues with me. some people are just as closed off emotionally as i am, which frustrates me, but i understand it because of how i am. I'm not good at advice and I'm not good at opening up. I don't like being vulnerable and i'm always afraid of giving too much away, i always get hurt if i do. But i'm a good listener, I've been told. And I care too much, that's my curse. i feel like when some of you say you're fine, because the 2 people i'm concerned about do read this blog. it's more defense mechanism than anything else. Fine. I swear I'm fine. Convince yourself of that, and maybe it'll be true. Everything's weighing on your shoulders, and you're responsible for so much and so unsure of what's next, and it's scary and frustrating. I get that, I'm in that same place. And I know i'm not that fine, but is pretending so much better than putting down your guard and actually speaking with someone who's there too? Nothing about this stage of my life is normal, or stable. Everything's so up in the air and terrifying. I'm 21, i have no discernible skills, no job prospects and no idea about when I'd get to move out. I still get treat ed like i'm in high school, i still get asked to check in, I still get picked up if i hang out with friends. I'm still a kid, despite not feeling like it or wanting to be one. And at this age, I have thoughts about a future, having a life, being independent, not being alone. i don't know. For all of my whining, things could be worse. Things could crash harder, or be more unstable. For all of the fears you both have, things could be harder. And if all else fails, it's comforting to know that someone cares, and is there to listen. Are we all still fine? Silence= Thinking= Writing1 commentsNot good writing, or even creative writing. But still ideas on paper, in notebooks, on looseleaf, wherever. Ideas get written down at times. Lately more-so. I thought school would be more aggravating than it has been. I'm doing fairly well, getting all my work done doing all my reading and writing and still finding time to somewhat sleep and still be a productive 21 year old with a semblance of a life? Nothing exciting, just doing my part to not lose touch with people. Like I said before, it's a concern this year to maintain friendships that have fallen off track previously. So that's going fairly well, I think. It's never easy, but it's good to remind people that I care and that i'm here for them.
I'm trying to blog more too. Not for any duty to the few of you that actually know this blog exists, but for a selfish reason. Writing regularly, even about myself, does help tighten the skills that i felt i was losing. Recently, in the past 2 years, most of my longer pieces of writing, for school, have been in Spanish. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but I felt like I wasn't writing at the same level I used to. So I'm blogging to improve, or at least to remind myself that I like doing this, despite how frustrating the act of writing is most of the time. But there's a big problem with this... Telling you that I feel like writing doesn't actually mean I will write, or that I'm currently in any process. I'm not even in the right frame of mind. Ambition means nothing if there is no action put forth. But i'm working on it, I swear. The other night I couldn't sleep, even after forcing myself, so I opened a notebook and wrote for a bit. It's nothing special, and i eventually forgot about it. The piece was about h ow I forget people's names after not speaking with them for a few years, and in the act of writing about forgetting someone's name, I remembered it. So there goes that! That was a useless 20 minutes. But at least something was achieved? Even if it ended up being fruitless? I suppose. Who knows? That's where I am tonight. Silence. Everyone's asleep or busy, so no one's answering my texts! So it's silent in here. So I'm thinking, and nothing's really flowed out of me except for the 3 whiney paragraphs you've just read.
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