I found a list of writing prompts on tumblr a week or so ago. It's a challenge to write 30 letters to different things or people. Day 1 is a letter to an inanimate object that you hate. The reason I chose this particular object is because several hours, even days, after i wet it from my shower, it's still wet and gets my feet and pants soaked. It's annoying and generally puts me in a crappy mood because I then have to change my pants. Not the end of the world, but it's the little things I guess! haha
Anyway, here we go. I doubt I'll keep this up though.
Dear bath mat,
I?m writing to apologize. I don?t often treat you with the respect or dignity you deserve. Oh the things you must have seen from where you lay. I?m very sorry. I get you wet far too often, and you?re stuck like that for hours after I?m completely dry. It?s unfair. You put up with a lot. I?ve left you alone in there with smells, all matted and moist after my shower, with stray hairs that have fallen from my head stuck to you. And yet, there you sit, all loyal and fuzzy, just putting up with it. It would be nice if we were friends, since you?re always there for me, the one warm spot in an otherwise freezing bathroom. Given the way I treat you though, I doubt we could ever be friends. I just hope this letter finds you well and can act as a peace offering. I?ve treated you with hate and disrespect long enough.
Hair is closing. I just recently went to this show and have fallen in love with it, with one song in particular. The philosophy of the show, the heart and soul of it, moves me beyond words every time I see this show, I can't explain how inspired I am after leaving the theater.
Tonight's blog is inspired by the song performed in the first act, called "Easy to Be Hard" in which Sheila's character does something lovely for Berger and goes out of her way to prove her friendship and affection towards him only to be made fun of, brushed off, and ignored. That feeling resonated with me. I've been there and dealt with people who seem heartless, who seem like they don't care, who make fun of you a bit too often or diminish kind deeds you do for them. It seems like getting kicked in the ass becomes something we get used to, and we go back for more.
"How can people have no feelings? How can they ignore their friends? Easy to be proud. Easy to say no." I've asked myself forms of these questions, wondering if I do something wrong by being so open, and giving. If I'm wrong for getting too excited or happy when a friend has a good day. If I'm wrong for dropping what I'm doing for a phone call or a text, or a simple hello.
I can't ever be hard on the inside, I can never be heartless or disinterested. I care with every inch of myself for my People. I care too much, I see that sometimes. People pull away, people ignore, people stop talking to me, and they move on. I don't ever move on. I lose people too easily, and I think it might have to do with my overbearing nature, the fact that I care too much or do too much , it freaks people out. But my intentions are good.
I just don't think a person should be slapped in the face for having good intentions.
I feel like complaining. I feel like being a brat for a few seconds instead of always being freakin positive and funny. I'm always the funny one, I say stupid things in awkward situations, I have nothing else. Because of this, even my closest friend has proven to not know me well at all. I've had friends for like 7 or 8 years, and they barely know anything about me. It's hard. I'm here now, in my 20s, and I don't have anyone really close to me. People get close and then start easing away, pushing themselves out of my life, avoiding me, distancing themselves. That hurts.
I think I'm nice. I do a lot for people. I'm generous with my time and my ear, I'm just generous in general. I think about people, I'm thoughtful, and I'm always there. I do a lot to keep my friends, I do things to prove how much I care for them. I guess that's not good, to prove myself... but I get nothing in return. People forget my birthday, they forget to call or check in, they just do things that prove that they don't care as much about me as I do about them. And it's happened so often, that now as it's happening again, it's seriously scaring me. Am I incapable of holding on to anyone? Or am I one of those freaks who's destined to be a loner. I went to the movies alone today, I hate doing that, but who's gonna go with me? Am I just meant to not get close with anyone? Should I develop a hard shell of an exterior so that it hurts less when people care less? Should I stop being so good, so open and honest? Is developing a wonderful friendship for a short while worth the pain of it deteriorating a few months later?
I always say that I love being alone, I like the privacy and the quiet. But for good? Forever? Every day? That's not healthy. I need people, I miss people. Hanging out with Michelle a few weeks ago felt so good, it was the first time in a while where I felt like someone was excited to see me, like someone cared. It felt nice to get a hug, give one back, and know that there was a person right there who missed me, or who was genuinely happy to have me around. I wish more people felt that way.
Famous People to Invite to Your Dream Dinner Party, Dead or Alive.
Gloria Estefan, Jose Marti, Dr. Seuss, Janis Jopln, Woody Allen
5 Bands/Musicians I?ve been Listening to A lot Lately.
Lately? Shakira, She & Him, Ingrid Michaelson, Erik Hassle, Kings of Leon
5 Things I?m addicted to
My Phone, Coffee, Twitter, Music, Netflix
5 Biggest Celebrity Crushes.
Shakira, Emma Watson, Billie Piper, Alexa Chung, Taylor Swift
5 Songs I Can?t Stop Listening to at the Moment.
Wash Rinse Repeat- Kelly C
Waka Waka- Shakira
Just Stay- Kevin Devine
Peacemaker- Green Day
I really Want You- Plain White Ts
5 Favourite TV Shows
Friends, Grey's Anatomy, 30 Rock, Weeds, The Simpsons
5 Your Dream Future: 1 Job/2 City/3 Car/4 Spouse/5 Pet.
Writing somehow, NYC maybe, i'm not sure, Mini Cooper they're fun looking, Someone hot duh. Bulldog
5 Things that Always Cheer Me Up.
"Friends," catching up with old friends, hugs, broadway, concerts
Top 5 People I Want to Punch in the Face
I'm not a violent person. I don't ever reach that point.
5 Favourite Actors/Actresses.
Mary Louise-Parker, Salma Hayek, Tom Hanks, Susan Sarrandon, Kate Winslet
5 TV Shows You?ve Seen Every Episode of.
Friends, Reba, That 70s Show, Scrubs (even when it got bad), The Nanny
Put Your iPod on Shuffle-What are the First 5 Songs that come up?
Hanging On Too Long- Duffy
Soft- Kings of Leon
What I'd Give- Sugarland (BEST SONG ON THAT CD!!! SEXY!!!!)
How You Survived the War- The Weepies
She Left Me- McFly
LETS DO 5 MORE THIS IS FUN
Moist- Janet Jackson (Yes, it's about her bajingo) "You bout to make the rain cum down." true story.
No Llores- Gloria Estefan <3333333
Mariella- Kate Nash
OK, It's Alright With Me- Eric Hutchinson (SUCH A good CD from start to finish. I'm still bitter I didnt get to watch his set cause i was stuck meeting The Clarkson. She's old news)
Lonely Enough- Little Big Town (They're great songwriters, I really should listen to them more, cause I like this song)
1. What time did you get up this morning? This week, it's been around 9 or 10. Feels nice to wake up when I want but still have the whole day to do nothing. haha
2. How do you like your steak? Not a huge steak fan, but when I get steak, I go for medium well.
3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? How to Train Your Dragon, and it was very fun!!
4. What is your favorite TV show? Friends, Grey's Anatomy, Weeds, 30 Rock
5. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be? NYC, Seattle or London. I have a type, obviously
6. What did you have for breakfast? I started with cranberry-orange oatmeal but it was disgusting. so i chucked it and made maple & brown sugar oatmeal.
7. What is your favorite cuisine? Italian. Love pasta so much.
8. What foods do you dislike? Seafood. Anything with mayonnaise anything with ketchup
9. Favorite Place to Eat? Outback, Fridays, I'm very basic I think haha
10. Favorite dressing? Ranch.
11.What kind of vehicle do you drive? I don't drive
12. What are your favorite clothes? That i own? I'm proud of my sunglasses collection. I also have really great sweaters & tees. My jeans are normal.
13. Where would you visit if you had the chance? England & Australia.
14. Cup 1/2 empty or 1/2 full? Chronically half full. No matter what. I'm painfully optimistic, which is a good thing I think.
15. Where would you want to retire? Wherever I'm living? I think it's strange to retire and move away from everyone & everything.
16. What is your favorite time of day? Night time, when the house is quiet and I'm alone watching TV or on the phone. it's so peaceful
17. Where were you born? Meadowlands Hospital.
18. What are your favorite sports to watch? None thanks. Though I do like the X Games & Extreme sports
20. Person you expect to tag you back first? huh?
22. Bird watcher? I do NOT have the patience for that.
23. Are you a morning person or a night person? Total night owl.
24. Do you have any pets? No.
25. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share? Not really. I'm currently boring.
26. What did you want to be when you were little? An Estefan.
27. What is your best childhood memory? Sitting on my grandpa's bed staring into his little yellow boom box and listening to Gloria Estefan with my grandma.
28. Are you a cat or dog person? DOGS.
29. Are you married? Nope. Marriage doesn't traditionally go well in my family. We'll see. hahaha
30. Always wear your seat belt? Yeah, it's automatic unless I'm in the back
31. Been in a car accident? Only once
32. Any pet peeves? bad grammar, slow walkers.
33. Favorite Pizza Toppings? cheese.
34. Favorite Flower? i don't care.
35. Favorite ice cream? birthday cake or vanilla bean
36. Favorite fast food restaurant? McDonalds?
37. How many times did you fail your driver's test? Can't fail if you haven't taken it!
38. From whom did you get your last email? Ebay
39. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card? Urban Outfitters, Topman, The Apple Store, Macys,
40. Do anything spontaneous lately? Nope. That was last month!
41. Are you currently a student? NOT FOR THE NEXT 4 MONTHS!!!!
42. Broccoli? Yum-O!
43. What was your favorite vacation? Spain or Miami both special.
44. Last person you went out to dinner with? My dad, it was lunch, but it counts
45. What are you listening to right now? A movie I put on so I could finish it and mail it.
46. What is your favorite color? red & gray
47. How many tattoos do you have? None yet.
48. How many are you tagging for this quiz? Uhh...
School's over for the year. After the semester I've had and the level of stress I've experienced, suffice it to say I'm relieved. Relieved beyond explanation. Joy! Happiness! But here I am, in my house, with nothing to do, nowhere to go, and it's hard to be here. Some of you don't know but my grandma lives here now, because my grandfather has passed away. And it's very difficult on all of us. It's strange for me, I haven't spent so long with her since I was maybe 9 or 10. It's weird to have to take care of someone who used to take care of me. Role reversal and growing up is a strange thing, something I wasn't prepared for.
When she got here, it was the night he had died, which gave us a distraction. We were so worried about how she was doing, that we never really had time to sit down and realize how different our lives are now without him. Today my dad got emotional in the car when he drove past their old apartment. He said he had no work to do in the office today and was just sat there in silence and was able to speak to his dad and tell him how much he missed him. My heart broke, we all didn't realize how much losing someone would disrupt the order in our family, and how vital my grandpa was to all of us.
Nevertheless, she' hard to live with. I love her, she's my grandma, but it's difficult. It takes a toll on the three of us, and I don't think there's anything we can do. I just don't want her to become my responsibility now that I'll be home. She's the type who'll get mad if I go out for a day and leave her alone. But i can't put my life on hold either, that would be unfair. I'm not sure what to do.
I guess I do have something to complain about.
I wanted to write a blog about my grandfather the week he died. I couldn't really explain what it felt like, or how it still feels. There are times where I expect the phone to ring and hear him on the other end telling me that Shakira's on TV somewhere, or that he wants my mother to make him some meatballs. It feels unreal sometimes. It's a hard situation to explain. I miss him though. He was the only person who was proud of me for having accomplished nothing. And he loved my sunglasses.
It's late, I have one very small lamp on, but my room's as bright as it ever really gets. It's dark in here, which is hard for me. I bump into things a lot, but more than that, it puts me in a bad mood. I'm one of those people who says they enjoy the creativity found in a cloudy day, but I also crave a bright sunny one. It might be one of those seasonal things that people get, where people feel healthier and more alive drenched in sunlight. I don't know for sure, but I do notice a difference in my demeanor when I'm surrounded by darkness.
It's like a cave down here, I'm a hobbit or a gnome or some sort of weird grumpy creature who despite all normal appearances, does not enjoy invasions of space and property. I don't want it to affect me too much, so I do notice that since living down here I've gone out more, sometimes for a week at a time! and i try not to stay home as much. Which is a great thing, as I was become too hermit-like upstairs. I needed something negative or distracting about my living space that would make me want to go out more and do things.
This cave helps. Going outdoors helps, getting dressed up and being blinded by the sunlight is a really nice feeling that seems to work for me. It decompresses me and de-stresses me. A lot of shit is happening, I need all the positive energy I can get. Luckily I'm feeling great, physically. I'm even less tired now that I'm eating better. There's other crap, frustrating crap. I get mad at people for the worst reasons. Today I got upset because one person was talking far too much and then I got upset because someone else wasn't talking enough. I'm hard to please apparently, or just easily irritable. I'm not asking for people to walk on eggshells for me, but a little understanding helps. I'm not confrontational on purpose, it's just my go-to emotion. I argue, I yell, I say mean things, I think people get tired of me or brush me off more often than they actually do. I lash out and I'm an asshole a lot of the time… It's just how I get when shit gets complicated.
i'm really nervous and scared. i have no possible way of passing this class, and i'm not just saying that. there's no way. nd i'm resigning myself more and more to that idea and it scares me. it's making me edgy and sad. i'm taking out my frustrations on people around me. i take everything people do and say so seriously lately, it has nothing to do with them, it's just my own messy mind. i guess people need to just be patient with me for a bit. it's a bad time. end of the semester always is. but this one sucks more than ever. i'm scared out of my mind. beyond any level of description, i've never really failed a class before. i don't know what happens. i'm freaking out.
What if i was a famous person? Or someone important enough for itunes to ask to do one of those nifty self indulgent playlists in which a notable person assumes that their taste in music is so great that it must be shared. Well, I've always thought about what mine would consist of. Diana Ross's was all Diana Ross songs, which I found extremely funny. As if to say-- what other music is out there? You should only be listening to Endless Love, earthlings. Still I've wondered what mine would say about me. If i'd pick happy songs, sad songs... if I'd only put the indie, folksy or alt stuff I listen to in order to appear cool, or if I'd have the guts to slip in some Gloria music, because let's face it, she's a big part of my music & my life. Would I be able to represent myself properly in 15-20 songs? Or would I try and appear like something that I'm not. Well, I'm gonna try it, and I guess we'll see if i look like a douche or like Rob once it's all over.
1- Gloria Estefan "Mi Tierra" - I did it! She's here! But okay, this was the first song other than the ABCs and Twinkle TWinkle that I learned the words to. I was 3 years old, and I heard it once and was hooked. I asked my dad who was singing, he told me, and I said "Hey dad can we go to Sam Goody?" he asked why... "Because we have to buy all her cassettes."
2-Alanis Morissette "Your House"- She's a creepy crazy stalker and I love it! I love her voice on this song, it kinda feels like she actually did this crazy shit, like she recorded it in his robe, in his room, with his CDs all over the place. Intense, terrifying, but strangely pretty. I hope I never feel this way about a person.
3- The Beatles "Drive My Car"- I could pick a million, but I'm picking this one. Because it's the only Beatles song I ever admitted that I liked to my Dad until recently. He used to play it fot me as a kid and we'd sing along all loud and obnoxious in the living room, because I loved screaming "Beep Beep, Beep Beep Yeahhh!"
4- Ingrid Michaelson "Sort Of"- I'm not sure what she means, the lyrics are all over the place. Is she scared, is she in love? I guess they're the same thing, huh? "I find you stunning, but you are running me down" i love that.
5- Janet Jackson "That's The Way Love Goes"- I wasn't sure what I felt first time I heard this song. I was young. Now I know I was just turned on. This song is sexy as hell, but not gross. It's classy sexy. Her voice, that video, oh boy!
6- Juanes "Sueños"- Political, but in a nice way. It's not about America, or Cuba, but it could be. And that's why it means a lot to me. I'm not a political person, but I would like things to be as peaceful as he does in this song. He's fighting kind of, and this song always gets me riled up.
7-Kate Nash "We Get On"- I love the lyrics to this song. It's so cute, but conversational which is something I love about the way she writes. I love the throwback sound of this song. Also love how it sounds like this actually happened. She's telling a story that most of us can relate to
8- Kelly Clarkson "All I Know"- Like we weren't expecting her to show up. favorite song of her's ever, and I'm not sure why. It's stripped down, she sang it once, it's nothing special, and still i fnd it gorgeous and meaningful. i don't think her writing has ever been as thoughtful or mature as it was on this song. For God's sake, I hope it's not written about Justin!
9- Jason Mraz "Sleeping To Dream"- Gorgeous. Amazing. Who else knows how to write about such a simple sentiment with such perfection and eloquence? No one else can put that silly childish feeling of having a crush on someone and not getting them out of your head like Jason! We've all been there, trying to will ourselves to dream of someone, the person that makes us happiest at the time, just because it feels nice. One of my fave songs ever. ever ever ever
10- Jennifer Lopez "Let's Get Loud"- Before a speech or presentation in class, I put my ipod on, i crank this up, and i get psyched. This song revs me up like no other, and it still makes me happy, makes me dance, and calms me down. Jlo & a cup of coffee are my speech routine!
11- Aretha Franklin "Rocksteady"- Runner up for my get psyched song. What it is what it is!! such a fun song, with a dirty bass that gets you going. They don't make them like this anymore. Picking one aretha song was hard ass work, cause I love her.
12-Michael Jackson "Black or White"- Janet's not the only Jackson on this thing! This song, from the first guitar riff still gets me all goosebumpy. Just the beat in itself makes it a great song that superficially as a kid I loved. Then the lyrics begin to resonate and it becomes all the more powerful. Brilliant songwriting and a wonderful message for anyone whose ever felt oppressed or victimized racially. It just feels good to hear someone put it all out there and stop taking everyone's bullshit, which is what made him such a gifted writer.
13- Ray Lamontagne "Forever My Friend"- his voice breaks your heart. I couldn't tell if this was a happy or sad song at first listen until I read the lyrics just because he always sounds so shattered. I guess that's his thing, but this is a beautiful song.
14- Shakira "Inevitable"- Putting herself out there. These are all the reasons why you shouldn't be with me. There's nothing worthwhile in me other than the fact that I love you. This was back when she was brilliant, now she's a she wolf. I MISS THIS, BE AMAZING AGAIN PLEASE.
15- Sugarland "Small Town Jericho"- I don't know what a life like this is like. My town is small but urban, we don't talk to our neighbors and we don't know people's business. I just think the way this is set up is really pretty, and the way it's written is so perfect. Almost makes me wish I was from the burbs.
OK I could have put a lot more, from each artist. But i tried to use as many of the people whose music has maent a lot to me as i could. There's a million more songs from each that have moved me in one way or another over the years. But doing a second one of these is too much work. I HOPE I DIDNT END UP SOUNDING LIKE A DOUCHE. Thanks Bye.
Spring Break. For some it's a sloppy drunken sloppy series of regrettable beach romps, for others it's a week of sleep. Some people take the opportunity to reconnect with family or friends, this is the option I chose. Farms, trees, Walmart, and awesome company. I took a break from the City this week, something that I didn't know I needed until I was away. At first I thought a week away from school would have been enough, but leaving the environment of NYC completely helped me regain some semblance of sanity and helped me feel better about finishing the rest of the semester.
I'm not a City snob. I'm not one of those people who thinks small towns are quaint and the people who live there are "simple." Because the people I've met from small towns and suburban areas have become people I've grown quite close to over time. I've always said that I would never take back going to Stockton, because the friends I made are still friends I care about. And now I feel like I have "people" upstate, in a town I never knew existed until recently. The air was clean, the food was GOOD, the company was great, and I can't wait to go back. If anything, going there every once in a while will calm me down. My brain wasn't hectic, I was relaxed and I was happy.
Sometimes, the City absorbs you, and pounds on your chest. Going into the City every day stops being fun after a while. Getting off the bus I'm reminded of chores, or things impending, of a series of unfortunate tasks that await me every week. The City's one giant monstrous To Do List that i love and hate. There are times where I can't imagine living anywhere else, and many times where I feel like I'd excel so much more anywhere else in the country. Here's to hoping t hat New York doesn't eat me up by Finals!
I like doing this, writing post its for people that are so nice or important that they can't throw them away. It's an easy space to write how you feel, it's so tiny you can't elaborate too much or get too invested. So I use post its to casually explain my sentiments. I'm only nice on very small pieces of paper. The bigger the paper, the more space I have to screw up and seem weird.
Thanks for reading, kids! You all put up with too much of my bitching :)
These are my grandparents on their wedding day. In the other photo I have of this day, she looks thrilled, and he looks nauseous. She was 32 in this picture and he was 21! Total role reversal for their era and their culture. By her age, she was considered over the hill, totally useless. At his age, he wasn't expected to settle down, he had oats to sew. But here they are, nauseous and thrilled, relieved to have someone, terrified!
He was a box boy at the general store my grandmother worked at. Several sideways glances and long stares later, he mustered up the courage to ask her out. On their first date my grandmother told him "Now, I know you're young and like to have fun, but I don't have time to waste. Do you think we'll get married?" I think she's the person I get my impatience from. But also, how ballsy of her to ask that! So not like the women of that time, or again of her culture. Cuban women STILL don't act like that. Amazing, ballsy. She may be also why I'm the only latin male feminist!
But yeah, they got married because she twisted his arm. My grandfather has always dragged his feet; he never got things done on his own. She's always been the one who pushed. She pushed to move to America, to send dad to private school, she made my grandfather learn English, etc. She's an amazing woman who's been in control of her destiny for the past 60 years at least. And still, she loves my grandfather with all her heart. He makes her sick, he makes her roll her eyes, but she can't be without him.
They have the kind of relationship that's lasted so long that they don't need to be nice to each other anymore. It's the sort of life where they say "well, that's how you are, I get that. I can't effin stand you but I'll probably die right after you do." They're remarkably connected.
This picture is something I've sat and stared at for hours, trying to recreate that day, imagine it in color, in real life. I've put together monologues in my mind of what they said to each other, or what he said under his breath that morning. I've wondered how her nervous stomach was that day, if she yelled at anyone, or if she cried. Thinking about how they met is something I do quite often, because it's a story I've heard bits and pieces of over the years as they remember it. And it freaks me out to see them there, smiling wrinkle free, before the rest of their lives had begun.
I'm poor. growing up, the TKTS line was my mom's best friend. We'd get on this line and see what they had. Now although we didn't always end up going to the best shows (Saturday Night Fever..,) it made for some great memories and was always exciting to not know what we would be going to see that night. These people are waiting on that line and I really hope they had as exciting a night as we used to have!
Looking through my Dad's old records. My dad used to be badass, he had good taste in music and used to buy records all the time, of many different genres. Now his iPod is all Beatles, some other stuff but the majority of it belongs to "The boys" as he calls them. I had no idea dad liked Michael Jackson. I know my mother does, she has some CDs and last night she came in here and danced when I had Thriller on. But I was shocked to see some MJ in with my dad's things. He's a music fan, and over the years he's become less accepting of different genres, and his taste has mellowed significantly. He was never a rock dude, he hated when the Beatles "got loud and weird," but it's good to know that there was a time in his life where he was a fan of good music, despite the genre. Dad used to be pretty cool!
Being able to still see the lights in the city even on the sunniest day of the year. Seriously, the sun hurt even with glasses, but the lights were still ablaze in full force. When I have a bad day or a long day, I take the long way home to see the lights all over the city. Times Square, the theater district, it's all very good. It makes me feel very cheerful in a way I can't really describe. Maybe it's the same reason I sit under the tree around Christmas, the lights just make me feel really at peace.
So there's day 1, I'm giving this a shot. I don't think I did terribly! Day 2's a good one, I can feel it!
1-- Cheech Marin 2-- Ellen Pompeo 3-- Clive Davis 4-- Robert Pattinson
Likelihood of these actually being them, about zero, except Cheech who really looked like the real one. I try and look at everyone as I walk, ever since I saw Jason Castro or Tim Curry on the streets and missed both chances!! You never know who's out there, so I'd hate to have missed an opportunity, even if Clive Davis is a knobhead. I'm never gonna be one of those people who acts cool around celebrities, I was shaking when I met Mary Louise Parker! I couldn't even type after Shakira said hello to me. It's bad, I get so excited and nervous. Only person who never made me nervous was Rosie O'Donnell. She's strangely calming because she basically started to interview me when she saw how nervous I was.
Anyway, gonna try doing a picture post later, not of fake celebrities... although THAT WOULD BE COOL! But no, that would also be invasive, as funny as it would be. I wonder if anyone ever thought I was famous? Someone at Starbucks called me Geraldo once... but I seriously doubt he meant Rivera.
This week, I've decided to start a happy project. Inspired by another blog someone recently shared with me, I'm gonna do some fun happy blogs and stop acting like the sky is falling. But I'm also going to try and post every day. For at least 5, or until something shitty happens. But I have to act like less of a whiney brat, right? So, here we go-- Happy week!!
THING TO DO WITH FRIENDS: Movies, long walks, coffee, theater
REALITY SHOW: I guess Idol
***EITHER/OR***
MOVIE THEATRE/AT HOME: At Home, but I do like going to the movies.
HARRY POTTER/LORD OF THE RINGS: Potter
TELETUBBIES/THE WIGGLES: Teletubbies
TARGET/K-MART: TARGET
OLD METALLICA/NEW METALLICA: No Metallica.
DOGS/CATS: Dogs
TODDLERS/BABIES: Both terrifying. But toddlers cause they have little personalities
FUCK/MAKE LOVE: Either? Now? Please?
***HAVE YOU EVER***
GOTTEN IN A FIGHT: Not a violent one
FALLEN IN YOUR SHOWER: No thank God, big fear of mine!!
PASSED OUT DRUNK: HAHA No. The one time I was drunk I just felt bored and sleepy and thought "if this is it, I'm never doing this again"
COME CLOSE TO DYING: No
HAD DETENTION: Yes, 5 times
TAKEN THE BLAME FOR SOMEONE: Probably. My best friend in grammar school was kind of the kid who got in trouvle a lot for being stupid. So i stuck up for him
SLEPT ALL DAY LONG: Yes, after not sleeping for 2
THROWN UP IN CLASS: No! There was a bir thday where basically the cupcakes were rotten/ laced with poison??? Because EVERYONE threw up, but I was fine
GONE TO CLASS HIGH: Nope, never ever ever
PLAYED TRUTH OR DARE: Yes
PLAYED SPIN THE BOTTLE: Yes
***RANDOM QUESTIONS***
CRIED BECAUSE YOU MISSED SOMEONE: Yes, shit!
WOULD YOU EVER TAKE A CAREER IN LAW ENFORCEMENT: Uh huh, cause I'd be taken seriously!
WHO ARE YOU CLOSEST WITH IN YOUR FAMILY: Mom, Brandi
HAVE SOMEONE YOU CAN TELL ANYTHING TO: Yes, a few people thankfully
HAVE YOU EVER SHOPPED FOR MORE THAN 5 HOURS: Oh yes
FAVORITE THING TO DO WHEN ALONE: Dance around, sing real loud
Looking out my window and adjusting my eyes to the bright snow. It was super quiet outside but there were already kids playing at 9:00 AM. I feel bad sometimes when I act like a grown up and get angry about the snow, because I remember how much I loved it as a kid. Hearing those kids giggle when they?d fall face first into a pile of snow brought back tons of memories, and made me want to still act silly even if at my age it might seem strange.
Your favorite thing to do:
I like having long conversations. I like catching up with people I haven?t spoken to in years. As un-Rob as that sounds. The other day I saw my best friend from 2nd grade, and though we?re not close anymore I thought "How cool to still be connected to someone 13 years later." A few years ago I spent Christmastime with my "group" from grammar school. It was always the 6 of us every day, and every weekend, for about 10 years. We lost touch in high school as new friends were made and school rivalries took over. But seeing them again, we just clicked right back to where we used to be. I love that. As awkward as catching up with some people is, somehow it never felt weird to me to contact them. The first friends you make are the hardest to let go of.
Favorite Memory:
One of my favorite memories is probably my earliest. I think I was 3, and for whatever reason, it?s as vivid as if it were yesterday. First I must mention that my grandparents sleep in separate rooms, and I spent every day of my childhood in their house. So there I am, on my grandfather?s bed, my grandmother in her husband?s fancy rocking chair with the carved pineapples on it. I?m staring into their old little yellow boom box and we?re listening to Gloria Estefan. She?s telling me stories about how the songs remind her of home, of her friends, of when she met my grandfather. By this point, the tape had started to wear out significantly, and the voice was warped. I asked my grandmother why it sounded so weird and she said "well, you?ve listened to it so much, Gloria?s getting tired of singing." I thought about it for a while, finally understood it and giggled. It?s a very simple memory, but to me, it?s one of the nicest.
Where you want to be right now:
I like my room. I don?t feel like I?m missing out on anything staying here for the night. It?s cozy and the lights are warm. I?m in my pajamas and the night is pretty still. I know on a Friday night, some people prefer a thumping bass and a stranger?s tongue on your face, but that?s not my scene. I?m simple. I?m hanging here tonight, talking to a few of my favorite people, and everything feels right. I?m satisfied with my place.
I'm pushy, I'm self centered, I think everything's about me, I try too hard, I get hooked too fast, I lose friends easily, I don't make them easily, I miss too many people, I'm nostalgic over things I haven't even done, and I get hurt quite often.
I'm an imperfect friend, but so is everyone. Sometimes I feel helpless about it, like it's my on fault for clinging to people so fast, but I'm not good at being laid back. When I met CJ we hated each other, and I find that fascinating. The longest friendship of my life had started with one of the biggest rivalries I've ever faced. Maybe that's what's kept it so solid? I knew the bad side of him going in, and I knew that it was going to be a bumpy friendship. I knew we were going to butt heads, and I knew I was going to do things that pissed him off.
I often idealize people. I make them perfect in my head because I like them, and it scares me so much when I discover their bad side. My friends are imperfect, I've realized that so much more often lately, and there's nothing I can do to help. Everyone's got issues that make them all dark and twisty inside, and I can't untangle them or sort them out. My hands are tied. What's worse is my help is unwanted! So my busybody nosy attitude is just seen as me being pushy and obnoxious-- some of my imperfections.
I have to work on taking things less personal. Not everything is about me. Just happens that with some of you, I'm always around, and i receive it. I end up serving as the emotional punching bag and it really realllly sucks! It hurts a lot, kids! I can't explain how shitty it feels to know I can't help, or understand what you're both going through! Everyone's got issues, but I hate keeping mine inside. As much as i t ry not to wear my heart on my sleeve, I've been a much more open person lately. My stress is out there, my dirty laundry's all over the front lawn. Everyone knows when I feel like shit, and I try to explain why, because I don't want my friends to think it's their fault. And I refuse to take out my shitty day on the people I care about. I respect my friends far too much to do that undeservedly to them.
Today on the bus a pretty blonde of about my age sat next to me and smiled as she pulled out her phone and dialed. When the caller answered, all she said was "Hey..... What've you been doing?" I knew straight away that this wasn't a regular phone call, you know... the kind that demands urgency or a point. This was not the kind of phone call that had a conclusion; they had just picked up where they left off and will continue to do so. She was talking to her boyfriend I assume. You can always tell when a person's talking to their boyfriend/girlfriend just by the inflection in their voice and the things they say. She told the most boring stories to him that I'm sure he found enjoyable, and as he began telling her about his stress at work, she listened intently and let him vent. He unloaded for about 20 minutes as she agreed with everything he said. It was lovely to hear. She was 100% in h is corner, had his back. She boosted his confidence and was frustrated by the things and people that frustrated him.
You can't help but be jealous of relationships like that... people who can't wait til their next call from you, whose days are brightened as the phone rings. She was stressed, her hair was a mess, but he made her smile, and he brought a bit of sanity to her messy day.
Their long conversation was punctuated by long silences in which i assume, he wasn't speaking either. But that's the point isn't it? It's nice to know that your person is on the other end of the phone, and it's your job to be there for them when they have a shitty day. Maybe not for advice, or to help, but sometimes I know i need to be reminded that people are in my corner. It's important to know someone has your back.
I?m loud. I?m obnoxious. I?m sarcastic. I?m cocky. I cry easily. I have a bad temper. For the most part, I don?t like people. I?m easy to get along with. I like to fight. I have more enemies than friends. I?ve smoked. I?ve smoked weed. I drink coffee. I clean my room daily.
My Appearance I?m shorter than 5?5. I wear makeup. I wear a piece of jewlery at all times. I wear contacts. I wear glasses. I?ve had braces. I have braces. I change my hair color often. I straighten my hair often. My ears are pierced. I have small feet.
Relationships I?m in a relationship now. I?m single. I?m crushin?. I?ve missed an ex before. I?m always scared of being hurt. An ex has physically abused me at least once. I?ve told someone I loved them when I didn?t. I?ve told someone I didn?t love them when I did. I?ve been in love more than two times. I believe in love at first sight. I believe lust is more important than love.
Friendships I have a best friend. I have at least ten friends. I?ve gotten a phone call in the last 48 hours from a friend. I?ve beaten up a friend. I?ve been in a serious fight with a friend. I can trust at least five people with my life.
Experiences I?ve been on a plane. I?ve been on a train. I?ve left the state/province. Someone close to me has died. I?ve taken a taxi. I?ve taken a city bus. I?ve taken a school bus. I?ve gone bungee jumping. I?ve made a speech. I?ve been in some sort of club. I?ve won an award. I?ve spent 24 hours on the computer straight. I?ve been in a physical fight.
Music I listen to country. I listen to pop. I listen to techno. I listen to rock. I?m one of those people who play songs repeatedly until I hate it. I hate the radio. I download music. I buy CD?s.
Television I spend at least six hours a day watching television. I watch soap operas daily. I?m in love with Days Of Our Lives. I?ve seen and like The OC. I?ve seen and like One Tree Hill. I?ve seen and like America?s Next Top Model. I?ve seen and like Popular. I?ve seen and like House. I?ve seen and like 24. I?ve seen and like CSI. I?ve seen and like Everwood.
Family Life I get along with both of my parents. My biological parents are still together. I have at least one brother. I have at least one sister. I have at least one step brother/sister. I have at least one half brother/sister. I?ve been kicked out of the house. I?ve ran away from my home. I?ve sworn at my parents. I?ve made my parents cry. I?ve lied to my parents. I?ve lied to my parents about where I am. I?ve lied to my parents about what I?m doing. I?ve lied to my parents so I?d be allowed out. I?ve walked out when I?ve been grounded.
Hair I?ve cut my hair in the past year. I?ve dyed my hair in the past year. I?m blonde. I?ve had black. I?ve been red. I?ve been light brown. I?ve been medium brown. I?ve been brown. I?ve had streaks. I?ve had purple/pink. I?ve been blue/green. I?ve gotten my hair thinned. I use conditioner. I?ve used silk therapy. I?ve used hot oil treatments. I?ve curled my hair. I?ve straightened my hair. I?ve ironed my hair. I?ve braided my hair. I?ve had\want dreadlocks.
School I?ve thrown something at a teacher. I?ve yelled at a teacher. I?ve been suspended. I?ve had an in-school suspension. I?ve been sent to the principal?s office. I?ve walked out of class. I?ve skipped an entire day of school. I?ve skipped a whole month of one certain class. I?ve failed a test. I?ve cheated on a test. I?ve helped someone else cheat on a test. I?ve failed Art. I?ve failed P.E. I?ve failed Math. I?ve failed Science. I?ve failed another class. A teacher has called my parents. I?ve been caught skipping. I?ve been on the honor roll. I?ve been on effort honor roll
None of my friends are fine right now. i feel like i'm the most fine, and that makes me feel bad that i can't empathize more with the situations they've found themselves in. I wish i could be a better friend, a better shoulder. Maybe i'm so self centered that I make my own problems bigger than they are, and force them to become the focus of conversation, but i do want to be there for them.
I'm not a good sharer-- of emotions or feelings or of time. I tend to control the conversation and make everything about me, which at times i feel forces people to think they can't talk about their issues with me. some people are just as closed off emotionally as i am, which frustrates me, but i understand it because of how i am. I'm not good at advice and I'm not good at opening up. I don't like being vulnerable and i'm always afraid of giving too much away, i always get hurt if i do. But i'm a good listener, I've been told. And I care too much, that's my curse.
i feel like when some of you say you're fine, because the 2 people i'm concerned about do read this blog. it's more defense mechanism than anything else. Fine. I swear I'm fine. Convince yourself of that, and maybe it'll be true. Everything's weighing on your shoulders, and you're responsible for so much and so unsure of what's next, and it's scary and frustrating. I get that, I'm in that same place. And I know i'm not that fine, but is pretending so much better than putting down your guard and actually speaking with someone who's there too? Nothing about this stage of my life is normal, or stable. Everything's so up in the air and terrifying. I'm 21, i have no discernible skills, no job prospects and no idea about when I'd get to move out. I still get treat ed like i'm in high school, i still get asked to check in, I still get picked up if i hang out with friends. I'm still a kid, despite not feeling like it or wanting to be one. And at this age, I have thoughts about a future, having a life, being independent, not being alone. i don't know. For all of my whining, things could be worse. Things could crash harder, or be more unstable. For all of the fears you both have, things could be harder. And if all else fails, it's comforting to know that someone cares, and is there to listen.
Not good writing, or even creative writing. But still ideas on paper, in notebooks, on looseleaf, wherever. Ideas get written down at times. Lately more-so. I thought school would be more aggravating than it has been. I'm doing fairly well, getting all my work done doing all my reading and writing and still finding time to somewhat sleep and still be a productive 21 year old with a semblance of a life? Nothing exciting, just doing my part to not lose touch with people. Like I said before, it's a concern this year to maintain friendships that have fallen off track previously. So that's going fairly well, I think. It's never easy, but it's good to remind people that I care and that i'm here for them.
I'm trying to blog more too. Not for any duty to the few of you that actually know this blog exists, but for a selfish reason. Writing regularly, even about myself, does help tighten the skills that i felt i was losing. Recently, in the past 2 years, most of my longer pieces of writing, for school, have been in Spanish. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but I felt like I wasn't writing at the same level I used to. So I'm blogging to improve, or at least to remind myself that I like doing this, despite how frustrating the act of writing is most of the time.
But there's a big problem with this... Telling you that I feel like writing doesn't actually mean I will write, or that I'm currently in any process. I'm not even in the right frame of mind. Ambition means nothing if there is no action put forth. But i'm working on it, I swear. The other night I couldn't sleep, even after forcing myself, so I opened a notebook and wrote for a bit. It's nothing special, and i eventually forgot about it. The piece was about h ow I forget people's names after not speaking with them for a few years, and in the act of writing about forgetting someone's name, I remembered it. So there goes that! That was a useless 20 minutes. But at least something was achieved? Even if it ended up being fruitless? I suppose. Who knows?
That's where I am tonight. Silence. Everyone's asleep or busy, so no one's answering my texts! So it's silent in here. So I'm thinking, and nothing's really flowed out of me except for the 3 whiney paragraphs you've just read.
Ideas are brewing, tell me this is a good thing! I haven't been reading enough, which is always what motivated me to write. I just read a really shitty short story, but it got me thinking of many possibilities that have to do with my own stories. Things are spawning and hatching in my brain, and it's a feeling I've missed very much.
I used to write a lot in high school, and i remember the greatest writing week ever was the week I had detention. Detention was a 40 minute period before or after school that was complete silence. I was left with my thoughts! I'd run to my locker and write down all the ideas that had plowed through my imagination during that quiet time. It was a very fruitful and creative week! And the resulting stories, or beginnings of stories, are a few of my favorite pieces to this day. Hey, Readers, don't ask for any of these because you all know I sent them to you back in the day! They're in all your Rob folders, Alona-- you better still have your Rob folder!!! Karrie, please organize your Rob folder, yours is the biggest one I'm sure.
So that's where my headspace is. Rather than taking notes on my readings, I want to abandon them altogether and create readings of my own. My only wish is that 60 years from now, there isn't a sarcastic 21 year old with awkward hair dissecting and evaluating my writing for all that it is not! Because that takes the fun out of reading and is why I've come to loathe higher education!
I've been an asshole for 2 weeks. I get that, and I k now I've neglected people. And I know I've been weird and standoffish, confrontation or contentious. I guess I'm fed up with a lot of things. Living at home is getting harder, I'm getting older and the feeling of permanence and "stuck-titude" that this house gives off is frightening and disheartening. I've been sleeping in the same bedroom since before I could walk. Going to school is getting harder. I've had to explain why I'm not graduating this May to too many people. It sucks very much to see my best friends graduating while I still have no idea when I am able to. This does not mean I'm not proud or excited for them! I love them to death and I'm so glad they get to move on. But honestly, I'm jealous, and it feels bad to be left behind in this chapter, as they go start a new one. I've been a part of them for 8 years, it's scary to do this alone.
My brain doesn't shut off. And I think too hard and too often about some sort of invisible doom that's reaching out to shake things up. Of course, I try to be optimistic, and I am in many ways. I'm a very happy person, sometimes unbearably so. My optimism at times doesn't let me see when I'm in actual trouble or when I should take life more seriously. There are just times, like with everyone, where I fear the wheels are going to fall off the bus. I'm not alone on this, everyone feels this way at times. I just wish I didn't take it out on the people I care about. I know I've been a jerk and I haven't given anyone enough time lately. Sorry readers! Yup, I really am.
Nothing is ever cut and dry, black and white. Things can't just go easily, i suppose. First week of school and everything's messy and complicated. I had to redo my schedule, and take a class that won't do anything for my major, just because I was advised incorrectly about this course during registration. I shouldn't always be the yo-yo that gets bounced around because of other people's mistakes!
I don't know, I guess I'm just upset today. Feels sometimes like people don't know how to talk to me properly, and hurt my feelings without thinking. I wish they'd understand me better, or think before they speak. I'm not sure why I'm writing this. I'm just pissed off with everything that's gone on. I spent my day off yesterday frustrated pissed off and sad, and I'm never sad! I never blog like this, and maybe it's the best way to get my feelings out there, because otherwise how will people know when they mess up?
Last night, 500 Days of Summer rendered me hopeless. As well written as that movie is, the message behind it is a little cynical. The point at the end is that the girl he's so in love with moved on and got married within 500 days of meeting Tom, and there was nothing he could do about it. For all his trying, he was never the most important person in her life. And at the end, he meets Autumn, and the cycle starts again, which leads me to believe that his relationship with Autumn, though new and fresh, won't have a happy ending either. It totally leaves you hopeless! Why should Tom even bother falling for the girl of his dreams if she's never going to love him the way that he wants?
CYNICAL CYNICAL CYNICAL! Not worth getting pissed off anymore I suppose
BOOKS THAT STARTED GOOD OR GOT BAD OR STARTED BAD AND GOT GOOD … THEY JUST WEREN'T FULLY GOOD
1 Memoirs of a Geisha
2 Wicked
3 The Handmaid's Tale
4 Osprey Island
5 The Mambo Kings
And so many more books not even worth mentioning. This had no point other than I felt I needed toi complain once more about the time I've wadted with several crappy books and ten amazing ones. Goodnight!
2010 seems like it'll be interesting. Can't fully explain why, or understand why... But it does feel like it'll be different. I'm a grown up, I suppose, and I do feel less self absorbed than i have been in years past. Maybe that's why I blog less? I have less issues??? Or I've realized that things I considered important or bloggable were really melodramatic and unessential. Either way, I'm growing. This is a good thing as long as I don't lose sight of who I am, yeah?
I don't like when people change, when friends change... I've missed a lot of people last year, and lost contact with a few who used to be part of my daily routine. There were certain people in my life that I never expected to be wondering how they're doing. I always assumed I'd know how their day's been every day. The fact that I have to wonder about once close friends is upsetting. It's a part of growing up I don't like dealing with yet.
I was asked yesterday if I'm the kind of friend I wish I had. And I think, in the way in which I am loyal, I'd like to have a friend like me. Because aside from 2 or 3 of my friends, loyalty is somewhat of a rarity. I do like that I sort of "mate for life" when it comes to friends... But that rarely is reciprocated because people do grow as I have, and distance forces us all to lose touch a bit. It's unrealistic, I suppose. But I do get jealous of people who still have their friend from when they were 4 or 5.
When i was 5, my friend David's mother hated me. She said I called too often and she wasn't a fan of her child talking on the phone. She was a bitch, and I think she was the reason I used that word for the first time. I'm not telling this story for any reason but to remind us all that David Ventura's mom used to be a bitch to an adorable 5 year old Me. Would be nice to know what she's up to haha!
So i guess 2010 for now is about keeping the relationships I have, making them stronger, maybe even forging some new ones. It's a bit hard to make new friends, but I"m just so goddamned charming, I might just be able to do it.
